The experience of aging: At 26

Dare I say it? You are slowly becoming, as I had feared and you claimed to have known, a figure much to be feared. A giver of advice. A helping hand, an architect of my happiness and in these troublesome years in my troubled life a sight much like that of a modern day prince charming, except as a flawed protagonist that you root for as he strives to make his own mark on the world.

I am comfortable to sit around your fires and take in the incandescent glow. Comfortable, at 26 with the notion that this is all I get of you and I accept it even though before me lays emptiness and behind me lay ruins.

So many of the choices that I make are based on falsehoods and fears, fears like these; that at 26 I begin to question the time I spend on certain things, the cultivation of my life. I begin to feel uneasy at the hazy interpretation of events that led me here. I begin to yearn for the fullness that unity in thought brings. I begin to want to want more for myself.

The foundations are simple. I feel the ages creeping up, I am losing the race with my biology. The sporadic tuggings in my uterus a contradiction to the drunken nights’ results. I find myself wanting to bear children and yet still be a child myself, but not simultaneously. I find myself wanting more than anything to be with someone that is there to share in moments and thoughts like these, intimacy and play all in one.

I cannot bear this, that at 26 I have but loose and unhinged friendships to show for it, erratic moments of truths that are not admitted. I am friends with my suitors! At 26 I feel almost ashamed to speak of it but I would have wanted to be, wanted to have been had already, so I could not see anyone else and be in a state of friendlessness, a need only for your company at common social events and not for the communion of our souls.

I cannot have what we share to be meaningless but if it hinders what I could have without you, how can that be fair. In the end I would have spent the best of me, my best self on someone that sees the best in someone else. Not to reference unrequitedness but simply to state I would then be available always and in want of company that I cannot always have.

My life’s driving forces are the wants that I have elevated to the level f needs for my own happiness and for the first time in a long time I want to be happy again.