The MMR vaccine

The Michael McIntyre / Riverdance vaccine was specially designed to protect people from extended exposure to the twin perils of Michael McIntyre and Riverdance, two of the great threats to a civilised society.

However, critics have argued that combining the two, even in a small, controlled dose, is more than any human mind can take and leads inevitably to serious personality disorders in later life.

One parent, Jackie, who gave her son the vaccine, was distraught to find him, a few days later, quoting Michael McIntyre jokes. “It made me feel sick to hear it,” she said, “my own son repeating the humour-free blandishments of Britain’s most enthusiastic annoyance.”

“It stands to reason, doesn’t it,” she continued, “Michael McIntyre and Riverdance are dangerously taste-free, why force them on a small, defenceless child. Kids will end up with inappropriate levels of enthused but banal banter and an uncontrolled desire to dance without reason.”

However, the medics behind the vaccine emphasise that the exposure levels used in the vaccine are very slight and merely allow the body to develop natural protection against dangers to which they would eventually be sure to be exposed, in a society where both Michael McIntyre and Riverdance are endemic.

“Combining them into the same vaccine is more efficient, said Professor Nigel, who leads the MM/R vaccination programme. “Getting children to come back to the vaccination centre for their Riverdance shot after being forced to undergo exposure to Michael McIntyre proved virtually impossible.

“It’s not pleasant for any parent to find their son and daughter enjoying Michael McIntyre or Riverdance, which is why ensuring high take up of the vaccine is so important. Vaccinated children are 40% less likely to become fans of Riverdance and 37% less likely to enjoy Michael McIntyre.”

Michael McIntyre was not available for comment.