There Came a Viking Sitting Astride a Sunbeam

“Will you pick your feet up Arnie Finkle or we won’t be there in time.”
“What at panicking at Wally Wicker, Stanley’s tearooms anna going run out o’tea. They may run short on ‘arf coated chocolate digestives but not tea?”
“I am not panicking, it’s just that the Tin Mission ‘open house coffee morning’ finishes at half eleven?”
“The Tin Mission! We anna walking all the way up theer just for a cup o’ coffee and a chocolate Bourbon are we? Tha must be mad! What’s wrong with Stan's?”
“The Mission happens to be cheaper.”
“Cheaper! how much cheaper?”
“In total we should be saving somewhere in the region of let me see… hmm…. eer…12p.”
“!2 lousy ‘p’. It’ll cost us that in shoe leather!”
“Oh be quiet. Just keep on walking.”

“’Ang on, ‘ang on, ‘ave just noticed tha’s wearing a new shirt and it’s collar attached. Com’on na Wally what’s the O-ccassion? Tha never wears a collar attached.”’
“It’s my holiday shirt.”
“Holiday shirt!? It anna seen much wear then! When did tha last take a holiday?”
“It was eer, eer Jubilee Day! a trip to Southport from the Three Tuns in Cob Lane, June 1977.”
“Well we anna day tripping today.”
“I know we aren't. I just thought it would make a change.”

“Stand still a minute. Let’s ‘ave a look at thee. By gum! a recognizes that pointy collar. It’s a Van Vydella. Now they were a shirt worth saving thee coupons up feer.”
”Yes, well my mother bought it for me from Biss Bossons Gents Outfitters.”
“A know why we’re rushin’ - tha’s got a woman to see! Come on let’s smell thee after shave.”
“Get off me you stupid man. Behave yourself.”
“Wally’s goin’ a courtin’, Wally’s goin’ a courtin’.
“If you will stop being silly for one second I might tell you why I am wearing this quality shirt,.”
“OK, OK, look I’ve got my sensible face on.’
“Sensible face, you haven’t got one. Anyway it’s your fault that I am wearing an attached collar.”
“My fault? Why’s it my fault?”
“Shoddy workmanship!”
“Shoddy workmanship! what shoddy workmanship? It pains me to bring this to tha attention but I haven’t worked since I were ‘grease monkey’ at Upthines Button and Stud Works and that were 50 odd years ago.”
“Exactly! it was an Upthines front collar stud from 50 years ago that let me down this morning. I flipped the little brass cap at the front and it fell off. You just can't rely on anything these days.”
“Tha means to tell me that thas used the same collar stud every day for the last fifty years and theet calling foul play because it’s wore out. Now who’s being silly?”
“Well, it was guaranteed for a lifetime.”
“The problem isn’t with the stud it’s with thee, thas lived t’long.”
“What am I going to do without a front collar stud. I mean starched collars are me. They say everything about my character - my uprightness and my stiff upper lip. I tell you that the attached collar and its consequence, the open neck shirt, have been major contributors to the demise of standards in this country. Now where am I going to get another front stud.”
“Ah a see! That’s why we’re goin’ to th’ Tin Mission. Tha dusna want to be seen in Stanley’s Tearooms wi’out a stiff collar. Tell me, at thee thinkin’ a prayin’ for a new stud while we’re up theer?”
“Oh! Pick your feet up.”
“Am doin’ me best.”
“Sh! -Listen! – Will you stand still!”
“Will tha make the mind up - is it pick the feet up or stand still?”
“Shush! Look! - Can you see what’s coming out of the mist over the other side of’ Jackson’s Hollow. - it’s a Viking and he’s sitting astride a Sunbeam!”

“Theet not wrong! It’ll be Mangoletzi Max - I recognize th’elmet.”
“Who! Mangoletzi Max, the manic motorcycle mechanic?”
“Thas got ‘im - that’s the man and he’s riding his Sunbeam S7. He was an apprentice fitter at Upthines when I was theer. Why dunst tha blame him for thee broken stud?”
“It’s a fair old motorbike he’s riding. I always fancied a S7. They were a fine example of British engineering. No shoddy workman ship there.”
“He’s had that nigh on fifty year. Why dunst tha ask him if it ever breaks down?”
“Don’t be silly. What is he wearing on his head? It looks like a Viking Helmet.”
“Theet not wrong ag’in. Them horns on is ‘elmet is two old steel cone bobbins. Them’s the aerials for his ‘Sat Nav’. Clever lad is Mangi -. made it ‘imself - says he used ‘lode stone’ like th’ owd Viking Navigators.”

“Mornin’ Mangi, at owrait?.”
“Ey up! - Arnie Finkle. Am fine what about thee sen?”
“Am ow rait.
“An what’s matter with th’long faced grammar school lad by thee side?”
“Oh ‘im, he’s gora ‘ave two weeks in bed with a broken collar stud..”
“A can fix that, Arnie! A always carry a couple o’ collar studs in me waistcoat pocket - useful for allsorts, thee knowst An’ if theet ever short a some more a gora box full of Upthines at ‘ome that a bought when th’factory closed down.”
“Theer now Wally what dust tha say to the kind gentleman?”
“I say Stanley’s tomorrow. The teas are on me.”