Coleopterphilianism

In this world there are many paths to enlightenment. Some people are Christian, some Muslim, Hindu or Zoroastrian or whatever; some follow the teachings of Buddha and some believe that ancient writings provide accurate prophecies for the future. And those are just a few of the beliefs by which many people insist life should be led. Indeed, most human cultures have developed a philosophy of their own, either newly-formed or as a variation on what has gone before. As all these philosophies have also suffered schisms of one sort or another, it’s not too far a stretch to say that there are as many ‘guides to life’ as there are animal species on earth. And if we continue the way we are …?

Anyway, it seems to me that if one person believes a thing, it is an opinion; if up to a dozen believe it, it’s probably a conspiracy but if twelve or more subscribe to it, then it becomes a religious faith.

Hitherto, I’ve been content to include myself out, but lately, a new thought has occurred. And right here is the beauty of the thing! Having rejected all other founts of knowledge, all I need is another eleven like-minded souls (four evangelists, six martyred ministers and old uncle Tom Cobley perhaps) so I too can become a prophet and a legend in my own lunchtime.

It’s a matter of record (or is it propaganda) that epiphanies occur in the most unpromising of places; on the road to a city in Asia Minor, in a cave, under a fig or an apple tree or even in a Greek bath-tub. Even so, finding truth in an underground cavern, within sniffing distance of the most polluted river in Europe took quite a leap of faith I don’t admitting.

Nevertheless, I’d challenge anyone to come up with a school of philosophy which contains a greater or deeper fund of wisdom in it than in the following snippets I’m about to reveal. I’ve lived my life according to its precepts, insights and understandings and I’m anxious to recommend them to others.

Now, I’m not usually one to proselytise but I am trying to increase the number of adherents from the current disappointing congregation of two ailing goldfish and a mangy cat. It’s not so much that I’m looking to be a leader here, but rather in the expectation that founding a new faith will prove to be a lucrative proposition.

Those seeking spiritual consolation and meaning seem to require a set of tenets and doctrines to abide by and the trick, I think, is to be as comprehensive as possible in order to attract the punters.

Accordingly, I can give you:-

Onomancy
• That guy with the barrow in the marketplace is probably called Desmond
• Avoid girls called Lil or Nancy – they are likely to go off with a bloke called Dan
• Despite that she’s lovely, don’t take Rita to dinner – it’s not cool to be associated with traffic wardens
• You’ll never speak good French if your teacher is called Michelle
• Should you require drugs, seek out a doctor called Bob
• If you already know the name, look up the bloody number – sheesh, some people eh?

Chromatology
• Impersonating a canary, colour-wise, is desirable should you wish to live under the sea with all your friends
• But if your bird is green, you won’t see me at all
• Should your baby take to wearing black, it’ll only make you blue
• If you think trees are tangerine-coloured and taxis are made of newspaper, they’ll surely take you away

Travel Advice
• Although Mystery Tours might prove magical, they’re only another thing coming to take you away
• Avoid Blackburn – you’re bound to fall into a hole
• As a general rule, roads are long and winding, presumably made so to avoid all the bloody holes
• Some kinds of happiness are measured out in miles
• Wood from Norway makes a good fire
• If you like grass, try California rather than Tuscon, Arizona
• Everyone gets lost in LA when it’s foggy
• Girls from the Ukraine are pugilists and have been known to knock out the unwary
• If you’re nowhere, man, it’s real hard to be here, there and everywhere

Business and Financial Advice
• When you want to trash a rival, donate to them some of your unwanted rubbish
• When even the days of the week suffer a 14.3% devaluation, you know inflation has got out of hand
• Rich men keep their money in a big brown bag
• Given that even the pennies on your eyes are likely to be taxed, it might be worth trying for immortality instead

Notes on Relationships with the Animal Kingdom
• Pilchards fed on semolina are wont to climb national landmarks
• Never ride a horse called Henry – he’s sure to break into a waltz when you least expect it
• Edgar Allen Poe was apprehensive of penguins, and with good reason
• My monkey and I are the only ones who have nothing to hide
• Turkey, especially when served cold, will have you on the run

Things to Consider when Growing Old
• Tomorrow never knows but yesterday comes suddenly
• The mind tends to wander through holes where the rain gets in
• While thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
• And worrying about being fed is a sure sign that one is fast approaching pensionable age

The Rules for Love
• No-one watches if you do it in the road
• Love cannot be bought but if you shake your head vigorously enough, girls will scream
• When you’re sad because she hasn’t turned up at the party, just leave and go for a walk
• But it’s no use sighing; the more you want a girl the worse she’ll treat you
• Carrying photographs of Chinese revolutionaries is unlikely to get you laid
• And when someone tells you that all you need is love, it just proves he’s a loser

Guidelines on Celebrities, Fashion and Clothing
• The Queen keeps her piano in the parlour
• Sir Walter Raleigh was a stupid git
• Getting a haircut can result in decapitation and your head being displayed in the barber’s window
• Wearing polythene can help make you good looking
• Stockings always need mending by Thursday
• Sun-beds are unnecessary – it’s possible to get a tan from standing in the rain
• Life goes on – BRA

Tips on Career Choice
• People who clear up after weddings rarely get to hear the words of the sermon
• Military bands only employ people with at least 20 years’ experience
• Aspiring writers of paperback novels should first consider becoming Daily Mail journalists
• People usually walk out when the drummer sings – Phil Collins will confirm
• If you allow your daughter to associate with men from the motor trade, don’t be surprised if she leaves home
• But never mind - you can imitate everyone you know and anyway, there’s nothing you can do that can’t be done

If you can’t be good, be careful
• Bashing people over the head with a silver hammer is a poor career choice
• An all American, bullet-headed, Saxon mother’s son will only be happy when his weapon is warm
• It’s not a good idea if she’s just 17 – you know what I mean
• So, change the way things are going or you risk crucifixion
• And recite this mantra to yourself every day – if I’m wrong I’m right. I dunno, it might work I suppose

And Finally, some General Wisdom for Everyday Living
• Living is easy with eyes closed
• The best way to establish what is yours is to turn out the light
• One and one and one is three
• When simple agreement is insufficient – say it thrice to be on the safe side
• When in doubt, ask your mother – she should know
• But don’t worry about things unduly – after all, nothing is real

Oh, and by the way, if you’re looking for a designation to give for the religion question on the next census, it’s called Coleopterphilianism.