Country Miles And His Flammable Piles (bedtime stories for the child inside)

Country Miles And His Flammable Piles

Hello again boys and girls, lying comfortably? Then we’ll begin.

The story starts, as a flaming pile of ash hits the floor.
That pile of ash was once known as, Doctor Vincent Lee. His name
is of no significance to this tale really, but it’s nice to put a name to
a face. Or, what was a face. A face, a head, a body. He was a man.
That was, until he met Country Miles.

Country Miles was no ordinary dragon. He had something about him
that made him stand out amongst his fellow dragons.
His insides were all topsy-turvy.
Instead of breathing fire through his mouth, like all the other dragons
around him. With him, the fire came from the other end. Not from his
anus, as you might suspect. No! His flames came from the grouping
of piles situated around it.
He would often hear, as he passed by the other animals and creatures
in the village where he lived. ‘That’s ‘im. Arse grapes like a bag of
blood oranges, they say.’ Then they would turn their heads in disgust.

But, this is not a story of hatred and bigotry.
No. This is a story of love. An endless love. A tale of beauty and her
beast.

Lily Mae was born sightless. Unlike her siblings, her sight had not
developed in a natural way. With her eyesight, everything appeared
in miniature.
Which was lucky for Country.
She was the prettiest squirrel, with the most lustrous tail.
She had taken the nursing position after seeing the advertisement in
the local park, pinned to a tree. This was not the usual manner for a
job to be advertised. But, this was no ordinary job.
Nobody dared treat Country’s piles anymore. After the fifteenth and
final victim, all medical staff refused.
That’s why Lily got the job. With no previous experience at all, she
walked into the hospital, then into Country’s life. It could not have
been more fulfilling. They practically threw the position at her.
It was during these bouts of proctal massaging, that their love grew.

While they lay beside the river, the sunlight streaming down upon
their prone bodies, Lily announced. ‘I love you, Country. I love your
masculine features, your statuesque physique, and above all, I love
your raging pods.’
Country was beside himself. ‘I love you, too, Lily Mae. From your
poor eyesight, to your petite ankles, then, back up to your huge rack.
I love it all.
He began to sob.
She knelt beside him. ‘Don’t cry, my dear. You’ll only aggravate it.’
Trying to calm himself. ‘I’m sorry, sweet Lily. But, I can’t help it. I
feel so normal when I’m around you.’
Stroking his face, Lily answered. ‘But you are normal, Country.’
He sat up angrily. ‘What! With these bloody things?’
They both looked down at his piles, as they pulsated like a cluster
of random hearts. The situation was then exacerbated by a gang of
rowdy badgers, as they strutted past, pointing and laughing.
The leader grabbed a bunch of balloons from a passing baby rabbit
and proceeded to tie them around his waste, pushing them between
his legs, walking crab-like towards Lily and Country.
He shouted to his friends. ‘Hi! I’m Country. Don’t come too close,
or I might explode all over you.’
All around, others were laughing.
Spurring him on, he called out. ‘Is that your girlfriend? She must be
brave.’
Laughing harder. ‘She must have asbestos hands, to be rubbing those
crack radishes.’
The surrounding laughter was almost deafening, now.
Lily tried to calm the dragon, but it was no use. They had gone too
far this time.
He rose up, wings unfurled. ‘You dare insult the lady I love?’
The badgers and bystanders, alike, suddenly realised this was no joke.
All fled in different directions, as the mighty beast flew over them,
his arse ablaze.
All around, were fiery figures, rolling on the ground or diving into
the river.
As each pile burst, another jet of fire would rain down on those that
mocked him.
As they ran for the safety of the village, Country landed heavily next
to Lily.
She stroked his face, lovingly. ‘You’ve done it now, my love. They’ll
come looking for revenge, once they calm down and regroup.’
There was a look of longing in his sad expression. ‘I know. But, I’m
not going to just sit here and wait for them. If it’s revenge that they
want. That’s what they’ll get. Only, the vengeance will be mine. Not
theirs.’
No longer listening to her words of protest, he scooped Lily up in his
arms, holding her tighter than he had ever done before. Not wanting
to ever let her go, they soared through the skies, on the their way to
the tiny village.
As the villagers saw the shadow of the beast drawing ever closer, all
ran towards the village church.
Country saw this. As he approached them he roared. ‘Your God will
not save you today, retched creatures of Little Sphincter. Not today.’
From the vestibule and the outlining windows, they watched, as the
dragon came to a halt, mid air, hovering over them with malevolent
intent.
His onslaught was ferocious. The over powering stench emanating
from his blistering buttocks clung to the air, like a mid-summer hog
roast.
Creatures from the surrounding villages heard the commotion, and
came in their droves, to help protect their neighbours.
They fired arrows at the dragon and pelted him with rocks.
Climbing to the top of the church steeple, Country lay Lily down,
once more gazing into her chestnut brown eyes.
With tears in his own eyes, he said. ‘I have to fight, but I will never
let them hurt you.’
Another rock glanced a pile.
Roaring with pain, he turned on its perpetrator, dowsing it with an,
almost molten liquid, spraying forth from the ruptured pod.
The others just stared in awe at the crimson rosebud that grew in
intensity, as the fight continued.
Then.
Like a blinding solar flare, the village was engulfed in a hot, fiery
explosion.
Those that survived wept openly, and watched as the beast from the
skies, fell.
Leaning over the parapet, Lily sobbed. ‘Are you happy now? You
killed the only one I ever loved. What had he ever done to you?’
The crowd below fell silent, at the squirrel’s grief.
Under his breath, a weasel muttered. ‘Apart from torch half of the
community.’
Nobody heard his comment though, as Lily was now at Country’s
side.

Lily left the village that very night. She saw no reason to be there
anymore. It would only remind her of that fateful day.

The next day, the villages celebrated their victory over the beast.
It seemed a waste not to, as they were celebrating anyway, so they
ate him.
Well! He was char-grilled anyway, so why not, they conceded.

All was well.

That was, until.

Billy Bind and his bulbous ballbag swung into town.