Starting Afresh

“It’s OK. It’s not like it’s my brother is it?” said Alfred, trying to find one positive in the situation.

“No, but it is your sister,” replied Dieter.

Alfred sighed. “Look, I’m used to Mildred not turning up on my birthday.” 

“I’m sorry but you’re the priority here. There’s no excuse whatsoever. What on earth is she thinking of? I mean there’s not one zoo out there which justifies missing out on a 70th birthday. Well, not in this country anyway.”

“She’s always been a toerag, and a horrible one at that,” replied Alfred, “Don’t worry about it though. I’ve got loads of people coming round. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I mean I’ll be glad to see each and every one of them, but at the same time it can be stressful having so many people to please at once. It’s so hard being popular at times. You should try it one day and see how it feels.”

“Thanks a bunch,” snapped Dieter before walking away. Dieter wasn’t used to Alfred making rude comments. He was usually a very kind and helpful man. Maybe the nerves of party planning had got to him.

It wasn’t long until the party had started. Dieter, scanned through the guestlist to see how many people he could recognise. “How convenient.  There are no two people here who share the same name,” he thought out loud.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” called out a bloke standing nearby.

“What’s your name then?” asked Dieter.

“Alfred Woodrow,” came the reply.

“Nice to meet you,” said Dieter. “When I saw the name Alfred at the top of the guestlist, I assumed that it was the Alfred I know - Alfred Higgins - putting his name at the top. You know, with it being his birthday. How do you two know each other?”

Alfred Woodrow replied, “We met at a charity event. He’s always giving money away.”

“Glad to hear that you know the same Alfred Higgins that I do. He has always been such a wonderful person.”

“Yeah. Where is he anyway? It’s his own party, and I haven’t even seen him yet. I have to say it’s not what I’m hoping for.”

“He’s been in a bit of a weird mood all day,” said Dieter.

The guests had to wait a few hours until a stony-faced Alfred Higgins finally appeared.

“Alfred!” cried his namesake.

Alfred Higgins ignored the cry and gestured with his right hand, causing the room to fall silent.  He began to address the whole room with a cold tone in his voice, “Not only is today my 70th birthday, but it is also the end of an era. Over the past 70 years, I have helped many people, given away lots of money, and have been an invaluable asset to many lives. My helpful nature is now a fond memory. 70 years of kindness is a long time, and now I wish to move on from that. From this moment onwards, I plan to be rude, uncouth and selfish to anyone who crosses my path. I’d like to end this speech with a final sentiment. Get lost and don’t any of you come back until next year. Same time, same place.”