If Satanism was a state religion

'I don't wanna go to black mass.' Lilith moaned to her parents, trying to pull them both back by the hands as they walked forwards, utilising all the might her seven year old body granted her to impede their progress.

Her mother Delilah blew out and tugged at her daughter's wrist in a flustered manner. 'Honestly, Lilith. You say that every Monday.'

'I mean it every Monday.'

Her older brother, Judas, scoffed, before leaning his head above their father's belly to speak to his sister. 'Well I for one, love going to black mass. If I couldn't watch Svengali Blackguard's jowls wobble every week then I don't know what I'd do.' Lillith laughed at this, though his mother was less impressed.

'Stop it, Judas. She's bad enough as it is without you filling her head with your foolishness. Yesterday I caught her using my necronomicon as a door stop.' Both the children giggled at this, making Delilah even more frustrated. Looking to her husband, she saw the man was gazing absently around, not listening to word they were saying. 'Kane, say something to your children. They're taking the devil's name in vain.' she snapped, prompting him out of his thoughts.

'Hm? Sorry love, miles away. New cricket season's coming up don't you know.' he murmured, quickly realising mentioning this was a faux pas due to his wife's expression. After a forced cough he started over. 'Sorry. What have they been doing?'

'They're being little heretics that's what they've been doing.'

'Ah, the usual then.' he said as he looked to both his spawn in as stern a manner as he could muster. 'You do know what happens to blasphemers don't you?' he asked them.

'They start alternative rock bands called Grace of God and get super rich and all the girls love them.' Judas replied before his father covered his mouth, stopping the torrent of pop culture trivia.

'No, they get taken away by the angels in their sleep, and any horrid Christian sect that creates music out of their blasphemy, well, they're in for much worse.'

'How do the angels get in to the house?' asked Lilith with a wry grin.

'Why through the window.' he replied.

'Yes,' Delilah agreed; 'so you'd do well to be a good little girl so they don't get you.'

'But there's bars on my window, they can't get through those.' their daughter replied, swinging her parents hands. Kane and Delilah looked to each other, they hadn't thought of that.

'Well, they're stronger than you'd think.' her father said.

'How strong?' Judas asked, scratching his cheek.

'Strong enough.' Kane replied shortly.

'How do you know? Have you met one?' Lilith questioned, narrowing her eyes on her father.

'Oh look, we've arrived. No more questions for now.' their father said promptly as they sighted the building of worship.

 

Sinner Judas the Ouster's Bedlam was a modest underground temple, with a small surface entrance that fitted neatly on the side of the road next to the Greggs bakery. Coming up to the sable doorway, the Omen family were greeted by Manipulator Ghastly, a consistently sick looking gentleman of the robe whose slimy countenance had the tendency to repel rather than draw in potential additions to the flock.

'Mr. and Mrs. Omen, what a pleasure it is to see you, as it is every week. I do hope the drizzle didn't get you too wet on the way here.' he spoke with a thin smile, shaking their hands with both of his own.

'No no, it was just a mild shower thankfully.' Kane said as he withdrew his hand from the manipulator's clammy fingers, hoping to get past the unctuous individual as soon as possible.

'Well you know the old line; come war or peace, rain or shine, that seat in the bedlam will be mine.' Ghastly replied with chuckle.

'Quite right.' Delilah agreed, thankful that she had decided to wear gloves that day.

The four were about to move on, but before they could free themselves, the manipulator bent down to the level of the children and addressed them.

'And here's my favourite little disciples. Tell me children, what devilish deeds have you done lately?' he asked, crossing his arms.

Judas looked from side to side before centring his vision back onto the waiting creep. 'I uh... I handed my homework in last week.'

'Oh? And what was the homework?'

'Write a fifty word description of the Taj Mahal.'

'Splendid.'

Kane tittered. 'It was nothing to be proud of, manipulator. He wrote It's quite big, and then went on to list the reasons why he didn't want to live in India.'

Ghastly laughed for an awkwardly long period of time before coming to a coughing close. 'Gah, now you see what you've done, you little angel? You've made be ill by laughing at your naughty exploits.' After this, Ghastly cast his gaze onto the boy's little sister. 'What about you, Lillith?'

'No.' she said, hiding half of herself behind her mother.

'No?'

'No.' she repeated.

'Are you saying no I haven't done any devilish deeds or no I don't want to talk to you?'

She thought for a moment. 'Yes.'

Ghastly laughed again. 'I fear Mr. Kane, that I still have many years yet before I may win over your daughter's first impressions of me.'

'Mmm, girls don't forget their antichristening too easily.' Kane agreed.

'Goals for the future, now don't let me keep you up, go on in.' he said, gesturing to the door.

Walking down the stairway, Delilah shook her head. 'Why he's a greeter I'll never know.'

'I don't imagine it's a competitive career path.' Kane replied dryly.

 

Once they'd made their way down, the Omens entered the underground section of the bedlam, which consisted of an in-the-round stage set up, surrounded on all sides by corrupted glass windows, lit from the outside by torches on the circular cavern's walls. Having some time to spare before the sermon started, Kane and Delilah went about socialising, while Judas and Lillith observed the statues and paintings for what must have been the thousandth time. While his sister played her PSP on the base of the large gold statuette depicting Satan rising from the earth in order to wreak bloody revenge on God, Judas read the article beneath the painting of the Campaigns.

'The Campaigns were a series of religious conflicts during the Middle Ages, fought between the Satanist Covenant and the Iblīsian Concordat over the city of Kerch in modern Poland.' the boy read in his head. 'Why did Satan have to fall in Poland?' he said aloud; 'why not somewhere cool like New Zealand?'

'Iuno.' Lillith said with a shrug. 'Maybe he was aiming for somewhere nicer but he was too fat.'

Judas smirked. 'So now we have to go to Kerch every five years.'

'Kerch.' she repeated in a high pitched tone for no reason whatsoever.

'Kerch...' he affirmed while looking at his shoes.

At this, Lilith started singing ; 'Kerch, Kerch, Kerch. Never any fun, wish I never had to... Kerch.'

Her abandoned song reminded Judas of a bet they'd had, and he turned to her. 'Hey, did you ever memorise that Grace of God dance?'

'Uh huh.'

'I don't believe it.'

'Did to, watch.' she said, putting her PSP down and doing the moves while murmuring the lyrics of the song.

Hearing the forced laughter of his parents behind him, Judas had an idea. 'Mmm, you'll have to get on the statue base there though, like your on a real stage.'

'And then you'll give me five pounds?'

'Yep.'

With this, she got onto the platform and restarted the dance.

 

'And there was no cake left for the wedding!' Svengali Blackguard said, finishing his amusing story to his gathered flock.

'Oh Svengali, you are too much!' Delilah said as she chuckled away. 'Isn't he, darling?'

'Too much, too much.' Kane swiftly agreed, once again snatched away from his thoughts of cricket.

'Ah that is nothing,' said the bulky man of the robe. 'Why the other day I... huh. Isn't that your daughter, Mrs. Omen?'

Turning to where he was looking, Delilah saw Lillith dancing beneath the crotch of the statue of Satan, while Judas glanced over innocently. Embarrassed beyond measure, Mr. and Mrs. Omen excused themselves and went over to chastise their mischievous children.

 

Later, while the sermon was being conducted, Delilah whispered her disapproval to her children. 'I mean really, the trouble you two put your father and I through. One of these days the svengali is going to exile us from the bedlam, and devil knows what we'll do then.'

'We could go to Sinner Longionous the Slayer's Bedlam.' Judas recommended ;'I'd prefer it actually, all the times I've thought someone was speaking to me when they were talking about the bedlam. Really gets on my nerves.' To this, his mother just tittered, so he carried on. 'Or we could change religion, Burning Satanism isn't too dissimilar from Shining Luciferianism from what I've heard.'

'Do they have go-karts?' Lilith asked.

'No.' he answered.

'Nowhere has go-karts.' she mumbled in a huff.

Delilah sighed. 'I have half a find to leave you two at home on Mondays.'

'Really?!' Lilith exclaimed excitedly, disrupting the entire sermon.