The Tenants Of Fell End Farm Part Seven

Her face was lined with grief and she was crying.  Gerard noted that she was stood next to her ex husbands grave.  He said, 'I'm sorry, I did not intend to intrude.  I will leave.'  He went to turn.. Jean sobbed, 'No....Don't go.  I need to talk to you....please.'

Gerard turned to face his parishioner, his hands folded before him.  For a minute or so they stood in silence then Jean said, 'He was a better man than I gave him credit for.  She gestured hopelessly at Harold's grave.  'He would have loved all this.  Andy being married, and Lynn, he would have had so. much in common with her, and being a Grandad, He would have loved that.'

The tears were streaming down her face.  Her hand shook as she reached for a handkerchief and blew her nose.  She went on, 'You are right I did let him down.  I came back on occasion to see Andy.  The bad winters took their toll on Harold.  Twenty two was a bad winter but thirty three really hurt him.  Coming home to a cold house, Half raw food and clothing never really dry,  without a woman they are lost.  Everything you ever said about me is true.'  She stood head bowed, weeping silently.

Gerard sensed there was more to come.  He gently took her hand, 'I can see that you are truly contrite.  It will help to talk.   Tell me, you are not from a farming background.  How did you and Harold meet?'

Jean lifted her head and looked at Gerard for the first time, 'I have never told anybody.'

Gerard nodded, 'Then now might be a good time.'

After a pause Jean said, 'No I am not from a farming background.  My father was an inspector on the buses.'  There was another pause.  Jean seemed to be marshalling her thoughts.  'I have never told anybody.' her voice was hushed.

'You may tell me' Gerard said.

Jean spoke, 'I was quite a catch as a young woman, The Belle of the ball and clever.  I was soon running the cocktail lounge at the Chandler Arms.  Mixed with all the right people.  Popular with all.   A wealthy business man let me down.   One of his employees arrived with money for an abortion.  I asked my parents if they would help me with the child.  They told me to have the abortion.  So... there it is..... I have had an abortion.'

In the still mist laden air the only sound, faintly, was of the ongoing festivities at the Laycock Inn. Clearly Sid had taken over the piano and was playing Summer Time.'

Gerard stood aghast, 'You had an abortion!'  He hastily withdrew his hand making no attempt to hide the revulsion he felt.

'Yes, I had an abortion.' Jean was overcome with emotion.' Gerard could see that she was deeply traumatised.  He was an instinctively conservative man but forward thinking for the times.  Instead of the tirade of abuse many church men would have resorted to he said, 'Go on.'

Jean sighed, 'Well I lost my job of course.  Ended up running a bar at an agricultural show.  That's where I met Harold.  Poor lad, he never stood a chance.  It was any port in a storm for me.  At first I tried really hard to be a farmers wife but then I found that I got bouts of depression.  They were really bad.  I used to dread them and I was frightened to tell anybody in case I got certified and locked up in an asylum or sent to prison over the abortion.  After the bouts of depression I got angry-short tempered.  I got funny ideas.  I never got properly dressed for weeks.  Harold didn't understand.  He thought he made me depressed.  He was so disappointed.  He just retreated into his shell.  We hardly spoke.'  In the end I new I had to get away.  I had given it fifteen years.  Andrew was old enough to make a decision, me or his Dad.  So I went.'

'And did your new life take the depressive episodes away?' Gerard asked.

Gwen sighed, 'Yes, in a way.  I was a failure as a farmers wife but good at business.  It was good to be doing something I was successful at but when a woman has an abortion she never ever forgets it Vicar and seeing little Mark born and everybody so happy, it brought it all back.  I am so angry.' Jean was crying.  'Why was it so cruelly, horribly different for my poor innocent baby.  Why?'

'Why indeed,' Gerard replied with feeling.  He noticed Gwen and Daisy walking up the path.  The festivities at the Laycock were coming to an end.

 Jean said, 'Lynn has made such a difference to the farm.  The sun shines brighter.  The fields are greener. My depression hung over us like a pall.  I failed my husband and son and my baby.  I'm so sorry.'  She stood, her eyes cast down dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief.  After a period of silence she asked, 'Are you going to tell the police?'

Gerard shook his head, 'No.  You participated in a heinous crime, the murder of an innocent child but what you have told me stays between the two of us.  You must pray for forgiveness and hope that by the grace of God you may find some solace.  As for the future, you have a son and now a grandson.  You can make a positive contribution to their lives and I am sure you will do so.'  He surveyed Jean, and saw a deeply traumatised woman.  He said, somewhat stiffly, 'My wife is home now.  If you wish I could get the maid to make you a cup of tea.'

Jean, dabbing her eyes, Shook her head, 'No thank you.  I will just stay here quietly for a while, then I will be off.  She went on, 'Thank you for hearing my story.'

The vicar nodded, 'Then I will bid you good afternoon Mrs. Hardman'  He turned and left.  Alone Jean gathered her thoughts.  At last she had told someone.  She felt as if a great load was lifted.  She had never given way and truly grieved before, fearing the consequences.  Now she knew she could find a way to live with past events and construct for herself a less tormented future.  Clarence Gerard walked back to the vicarage with a furrowed brow. So much suffering in the world.  So much sin, political and economic crisis and looming threats of war.  He had some sympathy for the woman he had just left but an abortion was unpardonable and so as one of his parishioners stood a forlorn figure by her ex husbands grave, he heard others in the Laycock Arms. The Landlord was calling, 'Time Gentlemen please,' and with Alf Holdsworth on the piano a now ragged chorus were singing along to the last song.

 'He knows all the songs that the cowboys know,

Cos he heard em all on the radio,

Ragtime cowboy Joe,

Yipee I yo ki Yea.

Hooray!

In a world growing ever more dangerous, threatening and unpredictable, here were his parishioners celebrating new life with joy and apparent unconcern.  What, Gerard wondered, would the future bring for them and for this young family, the new tenants of Fell End Farm.

The End