The Lord Said Go North 1

Pastor Boris stood in front of the group of male conscripts who had come to the big conference room at Piddledon Newtown Community Centre to be trained as church leaders. A large map of mainland Britain appeared on the screen.
"People think I'm mad because I believe there will be hundreds of community houses. Brethren, I would be mad if I believed that. I do not believe there will be hundreds of community houses. I believe there will be millions. One day there will be millions of community houses all over the world. There is a revival coming to this land. A revival and a revolution. For the first time in two thousand years, Biblical Christianity has been unleashed. The Reformation discovered salvation by faith in Jesus Christ. The Anabaptists rediscovered the true meaning of baptism. The Pentecostal movement rediscovered the fullness and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. God only reveals one piece of the jigsaw puzzle at a time. Now the final piece of the jigsaw puzzle has been revealed. Christians living together in community, sharing their possessions, having all things in common. That is the kingdom. The history books will remember this movement. The one million evangelical Christians in Britain will soon see how dull and lifeless their churches are. They will come and join us. The harvest is ripe. The harvest is ripe. Don't pray for your friends and family anymore. Just tell them the gospel. They're ready to listen. The harvest has come. Millions of people all over this country will soon realise how pointless and empty their lives are without Jesus. They will come and join us. Over the next ten years we will plant the first 200 churches. One will be planted in each major city of the UK. Over the next ten years after that, each of those churches will plant 200 churches of their own. When there is a community house in every city suburb and every village of the United Kingdom, we will send missionaries overseas. Help to relieve the poverty of the rest of the world by exporting Biblical Christianity, about the only Biblical Christianity there has ever been, Christians living together and having all things in common." 

Pastor Boris took his laser pointer and pointed at London on the screen. "Who will go to London?"
"I will," said Pastor David. Pastor Boris pointed at Birmingham. 
"Who will go to Birmingham?" And so on until he reached the far north of Scotland. "Who will go to Inverness?"
"I will," said Matthew. "I want to go to Inverness because I've never been on a plane before."
"Did your family leave the rat race?" asked Stanley.
"No. We didn't leave the rat race. We just didn't have any money." Pastor Boris looked horrified. He stared at Matthew.
"You think you would fly to Inverness? I just created a network of national churches. You will get a coach to London, stay in the community house in London overnight, then get a coach to Birmingham, stay there overnight, and so on to Leeds, Newcastle, Glasgow, Aberdeen and finally Inverness."
"Well, then it would take 6 days to get there. It wouldn't be much of a holiday. By the time I get there I'm going to have to start heading back home again."
"You think I am sending you there for a holiday? I'm sending you there to live."

About a year later Frank was sitting at work drinking a cup of coffee. He looked at the date at the bottom of the computer screen. Monday 19th. Oh no. That was the day he was supposed to be giving Matthew and Gary a lift to the bus station. He picked up his mobile phone and called Matthew.
"Hi Matthew. I just got to work. I just looked at the date on the computer screen and I realised what day it was. What time is the coach to London?"
"Half past ten."
"Oh, that's all right. We've got an hour and quarter. I'll be at the farm in half an hour." Frank left his cup of coffee on the desk. He walked briskly down to the car park. In the car park there was a man standing next to a car.
"Can you give me a jump start?" Frank was mechanically inept. He understood exactly how a light bulb worked but had spent many unhappy and expensive hours destroying fluorescent light bulbs and plastic light fittings while actually trying to change one. You might as well ask your grandmother to help you repair a broken down car as ask Frank.
"I've got no jump leads," said Frank, wondering if that would absolve him of the responsibility.
"I've got some jump leads." No escape by that route.
"I've only just bought the car and I don't know how to open the bonnet," said Frank.
"I'll Google it. What kind of car have you got?"
"A Citroën C3." The man held a mobile phone in front of Frank and showed him a video of someone opening the bonnet on a Ciroen C3. Frank brought his car and parked it next to the car that had broken down. He finally found the catch on the Citroën that opened the bonnet.
"I'm not mucking you about, am I?" asked the man.
"Oh no, not at all." The man handed Frank the jump leads. Frank could see that they were much too short. "We both need to move our cars. Get them as close together as they can possibly be." Both men got into their cars and manouvered into a better position. Frank got out of his car again. The lead was still too short.
"I'm not mucking you about, am I?"
"No, not at all," said Frank. "I'm not in a hurry. I've got all day. I'm going to drive as close to your car as I possibly can. You wave at me with your hand when I'm too close." Frank drove his car very close to the other car. The man waved his hand and Frank stopped.  Frank could see where to clip the jump leads on his own car but there was nowhere to clip them on the other car. Frank prayed intensely. Please God, I want this car to start. A little voice said, just hold them by the plastic and press the clips firmly on to those two screws beside the black lead and the red lead. Frank held the clips on to the screws with his hands. "Start it now," Frank said. The man got into the car. Please God! Frank prayed. The car started first time.
"Thank you," said the man. "I'm not mucking you about, am I?"
"Oh no, not at all." The man drove away. Frank got into his car and drove to the farm. Matthew and Gary were waiting there with their suitcases packed.
"What kept you?" asked Matthew.
"I think we're all right," said Gary. "We've still got 25 minutes." They got in the car and drove down to the bus station. As they looked at the notice board to see where the bus was, there was 5 minutes left. A man came up to them with a whole pile of coins in his hand. "I just need another 75p for my bus fare," he said.
"There's plenty of people a few pence short of their bus fare in Dorchester," said Gary. Matthew looked the man straight in the eye.
"I know you, you must be Joe." The man smiled and nodded. "You must be Joe King. You must be joking." Matthew burst out laughing.
"Oh no, please don't do this," the man said, and walked away.
As they arrived at the stand, the bus was already there. They handed the driver their suitcases and got on board. The sun was shining through the window on the other side of the coach. A woman was explaining to her daughter,
"You should sit over there. The sun will be shining on your face if you sit here."
"Wouldn't the bus turn around?" Matthew asked Gary.
"We're travelling to London," said Gary. "I imagine that the bus will turn around a hundred times."

On the London underground Matthew followed Gary to the ticket machine and tried to copy Gary who put his debit card on the sensor on the ticket barrier to make it beep. When Matthew put his debit card on the ticket barrier it would not beep. Panicking, and seeing Gary still in front of him, Matthew decided to stay as close to Gary as possible as Gary went through the turnstile. Soon they were on the opposite side of the ticket barrier.
"What are you doing?" asked Gary. "Are you trying to get on without paying?"
"The card wouldn't work."
"What do you mean, wouldn't work?"
"My card wouldn't beep. It's just used by the community house to buy things on the internet. It was never activated. It can still buy things from Amazon without being activated so we never activated it."
"Knowing that, why didn't you go to the ticket machine, enter the pin number and buy a ticket?"
"I don't know the pin number either."
"Matthew, this is the London Underground. You could get stranded hundreds of miles away from home if you don't have a card that actually works."
"I didn't know that. I haven't been on the London Underground for 30 years. I thought they still had people in little kiosks selling tickets that were two or three pounds."
"Matthew, you won't be able to get off the train. You won't get through the ticket barrier at the other end. What are we going to do?" They got on the tube train and travelled for several miles. They came to a smaller station where there were no ticket barriers and some ticket machines on the platform.
"Matthew, we're going to change trains here and you're going to buy a ticket." They got off the train and Matthew bought a ticket with a handful of pound coins. They got on the next train. The ticket inspector appeared.
"Tickets please." He put Gary's debit card on to a machine to check it and looked at Matthew's ticket. Matthew felt a huge sense of relief that the ticket inspector had not come a few minutes earlier. They reached the station which was just a mile from the community house. Matthew put his ticket into the barrier to open it. Gary looked at his mobile phone.
"Have you got a mobile phone with a map on it?" asked Matthew.
"Yes, I've got a mobile phone with a map on it," said Gary. "Something else that's very useful when you've got to find your way across several different cities in the space of a week. You seem a little bit unprepared."
"One seeks to live simply in community," said Matthew. "I've got an ancient Nokia mobile phone and I pay for things in cash."
"You paid for your ticket in cash and you nearly got booked by the ticket inspector. I just wonder whether living a life of simplicity in community was ever actually meant for the 21st century."
"Don't say that, that's blasphemy. We must live in community, Gary, it's a Biblical command."
"Well, I suppose you just need to have an iPhone and a debit card among your all things in common personal possessions. But those were once luxuries people in community couldn't afford. They had made a vow of poverty. And how can you regard a mobile phone as not actually being your own personal property?"
"We rent mobile phones," said Matthew. "That means you don't own one."

They arrived at the community house.
"Hi Matthew, hi Gary," said a middle aged church elder. "l'm Karl. Did you have a safe journey here?"
"We had a Hell of a journey here," said Matthew.
"We did not have a Hell of a journey," said Gary. "We had a very good journey because God was looking after us."
"He certainly was," said Matthew, smiling. He had never thought of it that way before.
"I'll show you up to your room," said Karl. He led them upstairs to the small bedroom that Matthew and Gary would be sharing. Matthew put his suitcase on his bed, lifted the lid and carefully placed a spectacle case, a Bible and an electric razor on his side of the cupboard that was in between the two beds. "You're just in time for dinner," said Karl, and led them back downstairs again. They sat at the dining table.
"It's time to say grace," said an elderly woman with big square glasses and grey hair in a pony tail.
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub," said Matthew, wondering why no one took any notice. "I was quoting Bart Simpson."
"Who is Bart Simpson?" asked the elderly woman.
"Some of these people haven't watched television for twenty years," said Karl.
"Don't you have an android tablet?" asked Matthew. Now the elderly woman went from looking puzzled to looking completely mystified. Gary tried to save Matthew from any more embarrassment and began to pray.
"Oh Lord, thank you for the food, thank you for bringing us safely here and thank you for whatever is planned for tonight." They all said amen together. The food arrived. It consisted of hot dog sausages cut into circular slices with potatoes and green vegetables in a thick cheesy sauce. When the meal was finished, Karl said, "Tonight we're having our evangelistic film. I hope you've all invited somebody. But first, brothers to the kitchen to do the washing up." The men arrived in the kitchen. 
"Don't you have a dish washer?" asked Matthew.
"This is a traditional community house," said Karl. "The sisters cook the food and the brothers wash the dishes. Housework causes us to have close fellowship."
"And sore hands," said Matthew, as he dried a large tea pot. "My knuckles are aching."

When the dishes were all finished they went into the lounge to watch the film. It was called, "The Donkey That Learned to Be Happy Again."  A donkey stood on the screen next to two horses.
"I am such a useless stupid donkey," it said. "I will never be able to pull a plough like you, and I wish I was a really clever race horse, like you. I am no good for anything. I wish they would play drop the dead donkey. I wish they would send me to the knacker's yard to be made into glue."
"You must never say that," said one of the horses. "You're very good at taking children for pleasure rides along the beach."
"Do you really think that's important?"
"Yes," said the other horse. "I have seen the look on those children's faces. They are so happy. You are the highlight of their whole holiday."
"That makes me feel so much better. I make the children happy when I take them along the beach. That's just as important as pulling a plough or being a race horse."
"What a load of soppy sentimental rubbish," said Matthew.
"Oh no it isn't," said a young woman with long black hair, small round glasses, a black bomber jacket and a brightly coloured polar neck sweater. "Don't you think that film has a very strong Christian message?"
"I want to see a film about the Antichrist coming in a flying saucer and then someone tries to kill him but they can't because he's a robot. That would have a very strong Christian message."

Gary and Matthew retired to their bedroom.
"What do you think of the women here?" asked Matthew, as they both lay down to sleep. "That woman with the black bomber jacket who argued with me when we finished watching the film. She's gorgeous. And the girl with the long black parker and the white cardigan. She's lovely."
"I didn't even notice a girl with a white cardigan and a long black parker."
"I did."
"There's nobody here I find attractive," said Gary.
"I can't imagine looking at a whole mini car full of women without finding one of them very attractive."
"I don't believe you, Matthew."
"I assure you it's true. I remember that song, do you believe in love at first sight? I believe it happens all the time. Well, it happens all the time to me. I'll be standing in the queue at the supermarket. I see one of the women. I think, I love you."
"Matthew, I don't believe what you said at all, you're lying. I know you, Matthew. There's absolutely no way you could look at a whole mini car of women and only find one of them very attractive."
"I'm just a very caring and sensitive man and I like everybody."
"Is that what you call it?"
"Yes, and all these romantic feelings I have towards women are full of brotherly love. There's not one hint of lust."