Granny's sayings

Granny's Sayings
by Bruce Beckett

There's a little saying my grandmother had when I was growing up.
"Bruce Beckett," she would declare, looking me straight in the eye, "if
you carry the flame of freedom in your front pocket, the fiery coals of
justice in your side pocket and the blazing torch of truth in your back
pocket, don't take a job in the petrochemical industry."

My gran was always anxious about fire safety. A lot of houses she'd
owned had been burnt down in mysterious circumstances, so her concern
was understandable. Fortunately they'd all been heavily insured.

In fact granny had hundreds of personal proverbs like this, most of
which I can still remember. Many seem less relevant to the modern
world, but all have a certain charm. Here are a few of her better
ones.

"Water is for washing. Vodka is for drinking."
My granny worried about her health a lot. She preferred not to drink
water in case it was contaminated. Vodka, she believed, was not only
thirst-quenching but had strong therapeutic qualities.

"Your best foot is the one they're not shooting at."
I believe this just means you should enjoy each moment as it comes and
not torture yourself with regrets about the past, or apprehension about
the future.

"A girl needs one nose, two eyes and several husbands."
Gran believed that when a woman married she needed to choose a partner who was multi-skilled. He had to be a lawyer, a security guard, a
karate expert, a marksman, a skilled driver, something big in banking
and good at scaling tall buildings. If he was also an Olympic athlete,
so much the better.

"Milk goes sour, bread goes stale, but a knife and gun never let you
down."
Dear old Gran. This was her reflection on the impermanence of life and
the ever present danger that these weapons pose.

"Shoot first, save the questions for the funeral."
Gran was a little impetuous, a characteristic reflected metaphorically
in this saying. She believed in following her instincts. And who am I
to say she was wrong.

"You have to be tough to run a big corporation."
I was never sure how granny earned her money, but she was involved in various enterprises that seemed to generate lots of cash. Sometimes men in dark coats would call late at night with bundles of notes and she would speak gruffly to them.

"Don't shoot. I'm coming out with my hands up."
This is what granny used to shout after she'd drunk a few bottles of
vodka. I guess she watched too many westerns.

"Take that. And that. And that."
Gran was by nature a giver and we often heard her calling this out in her sleep. Her generosity was an inspiration to us all.

"Every girl has her moment of madness."
One of her most frequent utterances. It was her way of justifying untoward actions. She used it a lot at her trial.

Sadly granny is no longer with us. Last month she went on that big journey she always said she'd have to take, and it's left a huge gap in our lives. But who knows. With parole, she could be home in 15 years.