Under The Pressures From Above

By AthairNaRèir

Fri, 23 Jan 2009
  • 1247 reads
2 comments
 

Under the pressures from above
Trying to make me breath in what’s around me
Trying to make me take in what is wrong for me
Counting how long before I need to stop

My vision is fogging up
My lungs are bursting
I need to breathe
But there are pressures from above
That I need to get over

People floating above me wonder what
I am doing so far below them
Because nothing is leaving my body
The younger ones stare in amazement
As I find my way through the maze of
What blocks my path

My vision is fogging up
My lungs are bursting
I need to breathe
But there are pressures from above
That I need to get over

Almost back where I started
Almost taking in what can kill me
Almost over the boundary of normality into bizarreness
Where I can finally get above
The pressures so far above me

Certificate U
Poem
Poems and songs
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by tcook on
This is a really good idea - but you reveal far too much of it. It should have subtlety and form - and at the moment, I'm afraid, it has neither. Work at it - it's such a good idea that it deserves another turn around the block! Oh - and a common mistake - it's wonder, not wander.

Submitted by tcook on
That's a whole lot better - but the last stanza still jars for me. I think it's the line about getting above normality into bizarreness - both are clumsy words. See if you can find another way of saying what you want to say. Don't worry if it's a little obscure! You don't need to lay meaning on with a trowel - allow the reader some imagination and some intelligence.