Behind the mask

By Beeme

Tue, 25 Aug 2009
  • 2163 reads
13 comments
 

Dance behind the scenes
let the breeze unzip the soul,
when the hands dangle like a tear.
Don't hide your identity
behind a colourful mask,
and reveal your laughter lined
cheeks and wide smile gleefully.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hottotrot/3835883993/

Certificate U
Poem
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by threeleafshamrock on
I actually think, this is very good. I would change the punctuation somewhat - suggest; Dance behind the scenes; let the breeze unzip the soul and the hands dangle like a tear, released from happiness. Hide your identity with a colourful mask and reveal your laughter lined cheeks and wide smile, gleefully. I would swap 'identity' for 'sparkling eyes', suggesting that the mask provides the character of the alter-ego out. BUT...I am the last one to be giving advice on punctuation (or anything else for that matter). Just because, this is how I would do it, doesn't make it right. It's your poem and I think it is good. Ewan may cast an eye on it for you and come up with something completely different (he'd be a safer bet than me) lol. Keep it going; your getting better and better all the time, as I am. As my dad used to say' 'Practice makes perfect! - or better anyway ;) Chris XX

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Chris, I like 'identity' and your idea of an alter ego. I like your puncuation too, like you say other people could offer their advise too, and I'll see what other options there are. Thanks again, 'practise makes perfect' - this is very true! I have seen your poems getting better and better, your IP poem 'wild geese' is beautiful and the imagery perfect :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by threeleafshamrock on
Careful Beeme; I'll start blushing ;)

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much Nathan, glad you enjoyed :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by lenchenelf on
Sweet and pretty atb Lena

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thanks lenchenelf, i'm very pleased you enjoyed. Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by animan on
Yes, I think this has lots of really lovely elements, ideas, and nice phrasing. I wonder, though, about the title - maybe: 'From behind the mask'? Wonderful frst two lines - gems. From this point, although the phrasing is great, I'm slightly wondering what's outer and what's inner in the person. To help with this, if you wish and don't disagree, what about?: line 3: change 'and' to 'when'? not sure about line 4 - does the poem need it? line 5 : add 'Don't' before 'hide? Am I risking over-simplifying the ideas here though? Generally, I like the sparse use of punctuation here and wouldn't change it too much. Well done - a real gem of an idea here.

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you animan for your comment, I really like your phrasing and ideas for changing some words here, it reads better to me. So happy you enjoyed :) Thankyou Julie, glad you enjoyed this so much. I think I might change the title to 'Behind the mask' like suggested :) Nice to hear from you xx Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Cavalcader on
New Beeme Behind is brilliant verse Hide you identity with a colourful mask and reveal your laughter lined cheeks and a wide smile gleefully, Really well put. I told Pinda once title be "Behind The Mask" as asked suggestions! also reminds me wearing last minute a Cat Mask my poem "Green Eyes" by writing group homeless 1st base. and film faciliators like to be called faciliators. as I asked what name they like to be called said facilators, and all we did on huge screen Odeon me for a title once to I said "Behind The Mask" all shown at Ciema our works. Cinema in May 3 years.I believe Pinda got Red Rosey! this is great never know who is behind a mask! julie xx (;- up to you pinda asked me!.

Submitted by pinda on
"and reveal your laughter lined cheeks and wide smile gleefully." True beauty, this poem reveals beauty. Your work defines beauty and love. Now thats a heck of an achievement.

Submitted by pinda on
"and reveal your laughter lined cheeks and wide smile gleefully." True beauty, this poem reveals beauty. Your work defines beauty and love. Now thats a heck of an achievement.

Submitted by pinda on
"and reveal your laughter lined cheeks and wide smile gleefully." True beauty, this poem reveals beauty. Your work defines beauty and love. Now thats a heck of an achievement.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much Pinda! I'm so glad you think my work does so, I'm going to start blushing :) Beeme xx

k.