Smiley Face

This is where our mums used to take us when we were kids. It's not bad I suppose. I liked when I was younger, climbing frames especially. I liked climbing as high as I could and looking down and everyone being small. They took that big frame away though, said it wasn't safe anymore. Haven't put anything else up either. Skanks. There's just this one now, think it's probably been here for a hundred years.

Do you wanna fag? I'm gonna have one.

Sarah swings her body between a gap in the monkey bars, and takes the fag packet from the front pouch of her school bag. Me and Sarah have been best friends ever since playschool. She's actually two months younger than me, but gets served way more than I do, as she looks about 17 when she's wearing make-up. I always seem to look about ten.

She hands them up to me while she scrabbles back up to our perch on top of the climbing frame. I pull the cellophane wrapper and gold foil from the packet and scrunch them in my hand before throwing the ball into the air. It rises in the wind but then floats down onto the asphalt. The folds of cellophane bloom out and then scuttle with the breeze. It seems kind of sad.

There's not a strong wind, but even so the lighter clicks emptily a couple of times before I manage to get a drag from it. I inhale and pass Sarah the packet. She can't get hers to light at all ' I think the lighter might be running out of fuel ' so I pass mine to her and press the cherry against the end of her fag until its lit.

So is Paul going to come down then?

Yeah, he said he would last night.

Why don't you text him see when he'll be down

He said he was about to run out of credit last night

Fuck sake. The wind just blew my ash back onto my jeans. I rub the ash into the denim weave. I need to repaint my nails, I forgot last night. And now I have scrubby nails that Paul's going to see.

I looked up at the sky, full of big fluffy clouds. When we were little me and my brother used to play at seeing things in the clouds.

Today I can't see a thing.

What you thinking about? Sarah leans over.

Nothing.

Yeah, nothing. Come on, who is it?

No-one. I like Paul, but he never talks to me much since he got friendly with Sarah. I've liked him for ages, but he has to like Sarah. All the guys like her, it's not fair.

Yeah, yeah, you so like Mikey.

I do not. Mikey is one of Paul's friends, and a total loser. He used to write our mate Chantelle notes and post them through her locker.

Whatever you say.

She finishes her cigarette and throws it to the wind, then swings herself through the bars. She's wearing these funky Hooch trousers that I've wanted for ages. She starts rummaging through her school bag until she gets to her make-up bag, buried underneath her uniform.

She sits on one of the climbing bars and applies more eyeliner.

Do you think I should put on some more mascara?

Uh, maybe a bit on the ends. Can I borrow some of that new lip gloss? I stub my cigarette out on the climbing frame. It leaves a big black ash smut on the blue paint.

Yeah in a minute, I'm just going to put some on. She slicks the gloss on and pouts at herself in the mirror. How do I look?

Cool. She does look cool. Paul won't even notice that I'm alive. I take the gloss and mirror that she offers. It's a really great shade, pearly pink with sparkles. Sarah can get her mum or dad to buy her anything.

I smear the gloss carefully over my lips, getting none on my teeth. I think the colour might suit me more than it does her. I think she notices too, she looks a bit pissed when I give her the gloss back. I bet I won't get to borrow it again. Maybe I can persuade my mum to get it for me.

So what do you wanna do when Paul gets here?

I dunno, we could go into town I guess.

Yeah, maybe.

We are both quiet again. I bet Sarah is thinking about whether she and Paul will kiss. I can't think of anything to say, except I wish Paul really wanted to meet me instead of Sarah. I might go home soon and watch TV. It's getting cold here anyway.

A stone smacks into the back of Sarah's shoe, and she yelps.

We both turn around and there is Paul, vaulting over the fence to the playground.

Did you just throw that at me? Sarah is all shrill indigence. If only Paul had thrown that stone at me.

Sorry, didn't mean to hit you. He smiles and is forgiven. Just wanted to startle you, you both looked so quiet.

Can I steal I fag?

Yeah, hang on. Sarah gets down from the frame and starts to rummage through her bag for the packet, and hands him one. She doesn't even ask me although half of them are mine.

He sits down on the floor, cross-legged like we used to in little school, and lights up. So we join him. Obviously. The excuse is that its less windy, but him and Chloe are sitting very close together. She takes her ponytail out while he smokes, and brushes her hair out about her shoulders, despite the wind.

I'm gonna make myself a smiley face, you girls want one?

Maybe. Depends what it is.

Sarah giggles. I think she might be practicing the attracting face from the article on 'How to get your Guy' in Sweet.

I'll show you. He picks up the lighter and holds down the button. The flame shoots up and waves in the breeze.

See, you gotta hold it down til your thumb starts to get hot.

The three of us watch the flame dancing in the wind.

He lets go of the flame and smacks the hot metal end onto the skin on his hand. His eyes close. There's kind of a funny smell.

Look - a smiley face.

He holds out his hand to us. And there it is, freshly burnt into him, the smiley face symbol a crushed red.

Cool.

He reaches out and pushes Sarah's sleeve up. When he presses the metal into her arm she gasps and bites her lip, then smiles. I give him my arm too. It has to hurt, but I want it. I like the way his hands feel on me and how he smiles into my eyes.

It does hurt. It makes me almost dizzy but its like I can feel the air rushing in my lungs and the blood in my heart. It subsides pretty quickly but the pain sings to me for the rest of the day.