you cannot understand

If one had not endured it, then one would not understand anything but the dictionary term. One may think that this was merely a sadness at the loss of something or someone so precious. In one part that may be true, the precious part, but that was all that would be near to the reality.

For want of an argument lets say the outsider, looking in, trying to empathise could only observe the outward physical effects. The outsider could not feel the searing pain that seemed to consume the very being you are. It was not a notion of loss but an ever pressing, crushing pressure that slew very abandon.

I can remember now all these years later the paralysing rage of loss and agony. Like the very fibre of my being, the very essence of my mind was lost in a void that seemed to drag on life itself. It was if nothing and nobody else mattered in all the world except the agony itself.

Partly not caring, or ashamed of this outward flow of emotions, not even feeling the well of tears that poured and swelled. Then the next trying with all my will and strength to stem the flurry of tears, but only adding to the growing agony inside.

It was a physical agony, not just a seemingly emotional sense of sadness. It was as if the pain had manifested itself into something tangible that could be presented and treated as such. Nothing mattered only the everlasting throb of my heart, a term again that no-one could easily comprehend until ones heart had actually throbbed.

I could not sleep, eat or work to anything like a normal practise and yet it burned still. My thoughts were not clear, they were invaded hourly at least by the demons of possession. Clouding my vision and feeding at my mind's eye.

Even then when the day of resting the body to the hereafter the pain did not cease. If anything it overflowed into a new realm of sinister misgiving. Yet all the time you cannot give into your emotional demise. Attempting to show the brave face in a public light more to convince the others that they are OK more than yourself. Then they can release some of their uselessness and embarrassment of unknowing the pain.

Grief it seems is all powerful unyielding force of life that exists to realise the loss of such life.

I remember, i understand and I always will....