Leaf Fall

Cherry

By camilla

Sat, 17 Nov 2007
  • 2164 reads
6 comments
 

The remaining leaves on the trees
disappeared overnight
frost sprites harvesting
for a makeover

Then they are scattered over mud
by designers with cocked hips
in a pique because
there is too much to do
"but darling it's fabulous
of course orange is your colour
green is so dull so not you"

But the client is a suburban wind
unimpressed and chilly
as soon as they're gone he
rearranges it all
wanting the red of Virginia Creeper
an outre American Fall

Certificate U
Poem
Everyone In America
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by raysawriter on
Liked the imigery. Good for this time of year. New eyes will often want to change things. I often change my poems on re-reading. In the first stanza I would leave out the first word 'The'. I would also miss out 'the' in the 4th line. I would think about cutting out the final line 'with long crystal nails' (a good line but keep it for another day) I would suggest putting the speaking in stanza 2 in '...'s I think that the last line of the last stanza could be stronger. Feel free to crit mine. It's quite near yours :)) Ray

Ray

Submitted by camilla on
It comes from the inspiration point so the first the is part of it.I will consider the other points but it is just a sort of sketch to get going really.

 

Submitted by tcook on
I'm glad you found some inspiration! I like this a lot but I found the notion of a 'client wind' a clumsy one. Is there another way of putting it?

Submitted by camilla on
stuuck! what else can one call the householder who calls in the designer?? Suggestions gratefully received.

 

Submitted by tcook on
Yea! That's nailed it.

Submitted by Ewan on
I liked the wind as client notion, daring and unexpected and not clumsy at all. Different strokes, I suppose.

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