Cold Feet

“We are gathered here tonight to join these two people in Holy Matrimony-“
Stephanie stood at the altar sweating uncontrollably in her white satin dress. She glanced sideways.
[Jack had ear hair. Had he always had ear hair?]
He turned and smiled at her. She smiled back.
“-Love is a rare and precious things an it is made all the more special by the proclamation made here today before family and friends to love one another for the rest of their lives-“
[What is that thumping noise?]
Stephanie looked back over her shoulder. Her mother sat weeping into her lace handkerchief.
[It’s an aneurism! My brains gonna explode and we’ll have to buy the dress!]
She could feel Jack looking at her again.
[Is his face changing? Has he always looked like that, all lumpy and hairy?]
The sweat seemed to be pouring from her and she wondered if anyone would notice if she suddenly lifted her arms and fanned her armpits. She took a deep breath and gripped her bouquet tightly to fend off the sudden urge she had to hit the reverend over the head with it.
He was quite attractive for a man of the cloth she noticed.
She smiled at him.
[Oh great I’m not even married yet and I’m already making eyes at another man!]
“-And so we shall now join Stephanie Anne Josephine Moon to Jackson Anthony Lewis Stoop in the sacred ritual of marriage-“
[Stephanie Stoop!]
[Mrs Stephanie Stoop!]
[Mr and Mrs Jack Stoop!]
[Stoop! What a stoopid name hehehe... I will be Mrs Stephanie Stoop! Moon is a funny name but Stephanie Moon sounds a hell of a lot better than Stephanie Stoop]
[uh oh an itch... I’ve got an itch... Smile; think happy thoughts... cool air, a secluded beach... Jensen Ackles... air conditioning... ooh yes air conditioning]
She wondered if her mascara had run for she felt like her face was melting.
[Melting, melting what a horrible world]
She clicked her heels together gently.
[There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home]
The Vicar continued though she had more or less stopped listening until now.
“-if there is anyone here present that knows of any lawful reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold your peace...”
[Forever hold your peace]
[FOREVER]
She glanced across at Jack once more. Could she live with that profile forever?
Forever’s one hell of a long time!
The church was silent but there were alarm bells galore going off within her head. Even the rhythmic thumping of her heart was drowned out by the sound of sirens.
The vicar began to speak again.
“Very Well.” He smiled at them both.
[Don’t be so smug]
“Will you turn to face each other please?” He said smiling even more.
She wanted to kick him.
“Do you Jackson Anthony Lewis Stoop take this Stephanie Anne Josephine Moon to be your lawful wedded wife?”
Now it was Jack who was smiling smugly.
Stephanie frowned without meaning to.
“I do” He said.
“And do you Stephanie Anne Josephine Moon take this Jackson Anthony Lewis Stoop to be your lawful wedded husband?”
[AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!]
Jack leaned forward.
“Steph? Are you okay honey?”
[“Uh Oh Did I scream out loud?”]
“What?”
“What? Did I say that out loud?”
“Yes,” Jack said and he laughed nervously.
She glanced at the vicar and couldn’t help picturing him without his robe. He raised his eyebrows and awaited her answer. She looked back at Jack.
[He had nose hair. Had he always had such prominent nose hair?]
She squinted and watched in horror as the nose hair seemed to grow before her eyes.
[Oh my god that’s disgusting!]
She raised her hand and prodded the end of his nose gently with a gloved finger. Jack smiled broadly. Stephanie almost gagged. His teeth were a strange brown colour, a bit darker than beige but not quite coffee coloured and there was strange bits of vegetation wedge between them and no just small bits, one looked like a whole broccoli floret!
“Steph? What’s wrong?”
He leaned in closer to kiss her and his breath hit her like a dead fish!
[DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!]
The vicar seemed to notice none of this and simply repeated his question.
“Do you Stephanie pooh take this love muffin to be your lawful wedded hubby? Do you promise to love him and honour him, to make him breakfast and iron his shirts? Do you promise to wash his shorts and massage his sweaty feet after a hard day’s work and do you promise to tell him he’s the best and never tell him he’s losing his hair or he’s getting a paunch and keep him feeling young and strong and handsome? Do you promise to never have a ‘headache’ and to always insist he’s better looking that Jensen Ackles and allow him to look at other women without getting all stroppy and moaning and not nag him and not interrupt him when his football is on and not put on any weight—“
[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!]
Stephanie sat bolt upright in her bed, her heart pounding her body covered in sweat the scream still on the tip of her tongue. She panted as if she had just run a marathon and felt all hot and jittery. She took a deep breath and glanced around the room, taking in all the familiarity of it and knowing it had all just been a bad dream. She flopped back down onto her pillow and reaching out lifted the photograph from the bedside table.
Jack smiled out at her.
He was so handsome.
She smiled and touched his face shining with happiness behind the glass and leaned up to put him back. As she lay back down looking at him she couldn’t help but notice something she hadn’t seen before.
[Had he always had such a funny shaped head?]