The Astrologer! (Late I.P.)

The Astrologer! Late I.P.

Arses Mar 21 – Apr 20 – As Mars draws closer to Saturn the ladies born under this sign have much in common with Royalty as they can wave slowly at crowds and wear very nice hats. Males born under this sign don’t fare quite so well as, although they also get to wear very nice hats they are not allowed to gesticulate!

Pissups Apr21 – May 21 - Beware the Idlers of March as they are out to get you. Only drink enough to drown out joy. Too much joy will be the death of you. If not, a bullet to the head will quickly do the job.

Virgins: May 22 – Jun 22 - Might start the day intact but if your charts are accurate then because Penis is in the Ascent at the same time as it is in Mercury you could find yourself up the duff by the end of the day.

Slips Ups: Jun 23 – July 23 - You are all ready in the family way and Penis was no where near Mercury. So what’s your game? Just because Venus is in your sign doesn’t mean you can take advantage and no I don’t believe you mistook Penis for Venus! I’m an Astrologer…I know these things!

Trollops: Jul 24 – Aug 23 - Your financial position improves greatly partly due to a change of position and partly due to the nights drawing in so you are becoming exceptionally attractive to others. However, don’t become complacent; keep your wits about you and your hand on your halfpenny. Beg pardon, didn’t realise that was your tariff. Your chart is telling me that you will be able to find something to spend it on in the pound shop.

Condoms: Aug 24 – Sept 23 - You are being too heavily influenced by Mercury and the blame lies with you for Slips Up’s condition. Your chart indicates a hole in the ozone layer.

Rectum: Sept 24 – Oct 23 - I’ll be glad to see the back of you. But remember you pass wind this way but once. Any more than that and your chart will see to it that you suffer. To break wind and be free from a dungeon of despair and reach the sunlit uplands of a settled stomach all that is necessary is to embrace a full bottle of Liquid Paraffin.

Nuns: Oct 24 – Nov 22 - Your day will come but first Prayers, then Mass then more Prayers, then more Mass, then more Prayers, then even more Prayers. A word of warning, just remember actions have consequences and your chart indicates that you have been moonlighting with Trollops and you’ve been taking Mother Inferior with you.

Priests: Nov 23 – Dec 21 - Play it by the book, you know the book of which I speak? Today, the signs are not good so keep away from Heavenly Bodies especially those that reside in the Convent of the Grateful and spend much of the day doing good works by visiting your Parishioners, especially those that give generously but don’t bother with the sick unless there is a bequest in the offing.

Animals: Dec 22 – Jan 20 - You are too greatly influenced by instinct and bodily functions. Yes, you need to eat and yes you need to procreate but do you need to take the piss in quite such an obvious fashion. There is also a need to stop licking balls and bums just before licking your owner if you are to remain in domestic bliss.

Athletes: Jan 21 – Feb 19 - Males born under this sign are usually well endowed with a generous disposition and are happy to share what they’ve got tucked away with anybody who cares to light their torch. Females born under this sign should start running now.

Jockstrap: Feb 20 – Mar 20 - Keep everything tucked in as anything making an unexpected appearance or any sign of overhang may be misconstrued and bring about a charge of indecent exposure, especially if only a little bit is showing. If the whole lot is on show then that incurs the lesser charge of decent exposure.