"Checkout"

This posting is a bit of an experiment as I have taken four characters from six episodes of “Checkout” a comedy drama series I wrote some time ago. If it seems to work then I will continue posting scenes with just these four characters.

Scene 1 SupermarketTeashop Morning

The Teashop is empty apart from two elderly spinster sisters, Olive and Gwen, sitting at one table, drinking tea and two, amply proportioned, young girls, Leanne and Mel, sitting at another table close by. Leanne is about to get married and is flicking through a Brides magazine. Mel is her prospective Bridesmaid.

Gwen:
Olive, dear, I think I’ve just seen that man.

Olive:
What man?

Gwen:
The man whose car you just pranged… as we were getting parked!

Olive:
Couldn’t be helped. Couldn’t see what I was doing…not since I lost my wing mirror when I hit that wall yesterday.

Gwen:
Oh, I know, dear. Just the same, perhaps it would be better if we came back later. We don’t want another scene like last week.

Olive:
Now then Gwen, that wasn’t my fault.

Gwen:
Quite right.

Olive:
Planting a tree there! I would never have scraped that car – And that’s all it was…a scrape, I don’t accept for one minute that it needed a new wing!

Gwen:
Oh, I agree, dear.

Olive:
And what about the damage to my car eh? It had only just been serviced…running beautifully it was.

Gwen:
I agree, dear. It was running beautifully and you were driving it so well. You had even found where fourth was and that’s always been a bit elusive.

Olive:
Yes, well there you are then.

Gwen:
I still think we should come back later that man looked very angry.

Olive:
It wouldn’t have happened at all if we could have got in our usual bay.

Gwen:
What…the Disabled?

Olive:
Of course, the Disabled, but they purposely don’t leave any of them bays for able bodied people like us.

Gwen:
Sign of the times, dear. Self! Self! Self!

Olive:
You can’t tell me some of them couldn’t walk a few steps.

Gwen:
They move fast enough to get to the Reduced Basket.

Olive:
I know, one of them tackled me with her white stick when oats were on offer.

Gwen:
I know the person you mean, the one with the Guide dog.

Olive:
They say owners become like their dogs. I think she’s developed a nose for when something’s on special!

Gwen:
Well, I don’t like to speak ill of anybody but I do think she’s got the look of the Labrador about her.

Olive:
And that yellow fluorescent waistcoat and white stick are just fashion accessories. She only wears the waistcoat because the dog’s got one.

Gwen:
Anyway, I still think we should be going, look at the time…if we don’t hurry we’ll be late for church.

Olive:
If we are we’ll just have to park on double yellows.

Gwen:
You’ve still got Aunty May’s old blue Badge then?

Olive:
Yes. Wouldn’t part with that it’s all we’ve got to remember her by.

Gwen:
Oh, Olive, I really think we should be going. I’ve just seen that man again and I recognise him.

Olive:
Who the man whose car I just scraped?

Gwen:
No, not that one, the blue one. The one whose front bumper you caved in.

Olive:
Cars today... not made to last. Everything’s disposable nowadays!

Gwen:
All the same…I recognise the man.

Olive:
Who is it then?

Gwen:
The Vicar!

Olive:
Oh, maybe we should give Church a miss this week.

Gwen:
Yes, I think you’re right, though I don’t like to miss it.

Olive
One week won’t hurt. Different if we were sinners but we’re not, are we?

Leanne:
Well, I know I’m not.

Mel:
What about Garry…

Leanne:
No, he’s not either.

Mel:
Not nervous at all?

Leanne:
No, can’t wait.

Mel:
How long’s it been?

Leanne:
Six years.

Mel:
What made you decide?

Olive:
Well, I had no choice. The lights went red.

Gwen:
Yes, but I never expected him to do that.

Olive:
No, me neither.

Gwen:
He seemed so settled.

Olive:
To do a bolt like that. I wasn’t even properly stopped.

Gwen:
And not to see us back to the centre. I know you’ve passed your test but even so.

Olive:
Perhaps I should stop having lessons. Maybe I’m getting too advanced for them.

Gwen:
Well…yes. There’s not many people think like you. Once they get their licence they don’t give a damn. But then, you’ve always been a perfectionist.

Olive:
Yes, you’re right. Still, I might think about it.

Mel:
No...you won’t?

Leanne:
No!

Mel:
Why not?

Leanne:
Her…a Bridesmaid? No way!

Mel:
No, I can’t say as I blame you. (Pause) You gonna have something to eat?

Leanne:
No I’m not hungry. I’ve got no appetite these days.

Mel:
Probably all the excitement.

Leanne:
Yeah. I’ll just have a skinny latte.

Mel: (Getting up)
Okay. You sure you don’t want something to eat?

Leanne:
I told you I’m not hungry.

Mel:
Well, if you’re sure…

Leanne:
Hang on…are they still doing all day breakfasts?

Mel:
Yeah, that’s why they’re called all day breakfasts!

Leanne:
I suppose I might be able to manage one of them…if you ask for a small one!

Mel:
I’m not sure they do small ones.

Leanne:
I suppose I’ll have to have their usual then…oh, and ask for an extra sausage…and a plate of them thick cut chips. Oh, and a yogurt, but make sure it’s low fat. Don’t forget I’ve got a fitting for my dress next week.

MEL GOES TO THE COUNTER TO ORDER THE FOOD. LEANNE MEANWHILE IS STUDYING A BRIDES MAGAZINE. MEL COMES BACK WITH TWO COFFEES AND TWO YOGURTS. ONE IS FULL FAT.

Leanne:
You’re never going to eat that?

Mel:
Why, it’s only a yogurt. I’m not having a breakfast.

Leanne:
I should think not. Don’t forget you’ve got a fitting next week too.

Mel:
I haven’t forgotten. Anyway, I lost two pounds last week and I was Slimmer of the Week!

Leanne:
Well, I don’t know how you managed that. You’re always stuffing your face. (Pause) Go and see what’s happened to my breakfast.

Mel:(TURNING)
She’s just bringing it over.

Leanne:
I don’t know how I’m going to get it down me. I’ve got no appetite. I’m not like you always troughing!

Mel:
Blinking cheek! I’m not always troughing.

Leanne:
Go on, admit it. You’ve always liked your grub!

Mel:
I wouldn’t have been Slimmer of the Week…

Leanne:
I’m not criticising. I’ve no room to talk.

Mel:
Why, because of that breakfast?

Leanne:
No. I’ve got to have something to keep me going. No, I was talking about Garry’s sister. Now she is a trougher!

Mel:
Yeah, she is.

Leanne:
And she’s always going on about being a Bridesmaid.

Mel:
She isn’t?

Leanne:
She is. Keeps all on about it. Every time I go round there it’s Bridesmaid Revisited!

Mel:
Are you going to have her?

Leanne:
Am I ‘eck as like!

Mel:
What does Garry say?

Leanne:
I don’t care what Garry says. It’s my day!

Mel:
Yeah, but surely Garry can…

Leanne:(INTERRUPTING)
Look, you’re putting me off my breakfast. I’ve got little enough appetite without you putting me off.

Mel:
Oh, I’m sorry. Still, you don’t seem to have done too bad. You’ve eaten all that black pudding and two slices of fried bread as well as your extra sausage and that plate of chips.

Leanne:
Yeah, but I didn’t enjoy it. I’ve had to force it down. And I can’t manage this yogurt.

Mel:
No.

Leanne:
No.

Mel:
Oh that’s a pity.

Leanne:
Yeah, I can’t get on with these… Go and get me a full fat Strawberry one!

End of Scene