"Checkout" Scene Six

“Checkout” The Party (Re-Write)

Scene Six Inside the Twins House Evening

Leanne and Mel, dressed in long evening dresses with plenty of bling have just walked through the open door to what is obviously the twins house because it is lit up like a Christmas tree and loud music is belching out. Suddenly a door is flung open and Maureen and Doreen are stood there in their most outrageous party outfits.

Maureen:
Don’t just stand there gawping. Come in!

Doreen:
Yeah, and wipe your feet. Blimey, you two are a bit dressed up.

Mel:
Well, we thought being invited to a party up on The Mount we needed to be dressed appropriately.

Leanne: (Looking at the twins)
But I see we needn’t have bothered.

Maureen:
Nah. Really posh people don’t dress up. That’s why we haven’t.

Mel:
We thought everyone would be in long dresses.

Doreen:
Yeah,…you look a right pair of plonkers!

Leanne:
Thanks very much.

Maureen:
Take no notice of Dor. You know what she’s like. Every time she opens her mouth in goes her foot.

Doreen:
You cheeky mare…

Maureen:
Oh, just take their coats upstairs I want to get on with showing the kitchen.

Doreen: (Obviously feeling put upon)
Do this, Dor. Do that, Dor.

Maureen:
Anyway, glad you could make it.

Doreen: (Imitating Maureen)
Anyway, glad you could make it.

Leanne:
We wouldn’t miss this for anything.

Mel:
No.

Doreen: (Mellowing slightly)
Aaw that’s so sweet. We didn’t know people cared so much till we said about our kitchen and the party.

Maureen:
Never mind about all that, Dor. Take their coats upstairs.

Doreen:
Why does it have to be me? I did all the food.

Maureen:
Yeah and I did all the drink.

DOREEN takes their coats all the while grumbling to herself.

Doreen EXITS

Maureen:
She did all the food! Anyone think she’d laid out a banquet. All she did was open a couple of packets of Crisps and a few nuts. I did all the donkey work. I fetched in all the crates of beer from the car and six bottles of Vodka and three bottles of Gin and four of Whisky. Oh, and a J20...I hope it’s all right its Orange and Passion Fruit.

Leanne:
Why are we all in the Dining Room when I’m sure everyone is itching to see your new kitchen?

Maureen:
All in good time. We want you in here because of the double doors. When we open them you will get the full effect of the kitchen from a distance. Then we’ll let you go in and take a closer look at the workmanship.

Doreen: (Comes back looking grumpy)
If any more come I’m not taking their coats, Mor, I’ve done enough, what with all the food and having to greet everybody as they arrive. At this rate I’ll be worn out.

Maureen:
No, you’re all right, Dor, Leanne and Mel are the last so now if you’re ready we can throw open the doors.

Doreen: (Brightening up)
Yeah, let’s do it.

Maureen:
Dearly Beloved…

All the guests look mystified.

Maureen:
We are gathered here in the sight of genius to behold the workmanship…

Doreen:
Oh get on with it, Mor. You’re spending too much time with Grayling.

Maureen:
Oh, all right. Ready Dor?

Doreen:
Ready, Mor.

With that the girls throw open the doors to the kitchen and everyone surges forward to get a better view. There is a gasp as everyone who thought the twins would make a complete hash of the kitchen are surprised by how good it looks.

Leanne:
Wow girls! How have you managed to do all this?

Mel:
Did you really make those units yourselves?

Maureen:
We told you we watched Sarah Beeny.

Leanne:
Yes but I never expected they would look as good as this. Even having the different coloured oak seems to work really well but what gave you the idea to have the doors in that sort of gothic style that you see in churches?

Mel:
Yes, and I thought you said you were having black granite worktops?

Maureen:
Yes, originally we were but we got a better price by having black and gold.

Leanne:
I would have thought that would be more expensive?

Maureen:
Yes, but we did a deal. Now everyone go in and take a closer look.

The guests all troop in and start to look more closely at everything.

Mel:
Oh, what’s this? There’s some gold lettering here.

Leanne:
Where? (Pause ) Gone But Not Forgotten?

Mel:
Devoted Wife and Mother?

Leanne:
Dust Thou Art, to Dust Returnest!

Mel:
Here’s a long one (She walks round an island unit)
Behold my friend as you pass by
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, soon you shall be
Give thyself to God and follow me.

Leanne:
Headstones! These worktops are all made from parts of headstones! They are, aren’t they?

Maureen:
That’s how we got them cheap. There’s little mistakes on the lettering.

Doreen:
But we think the gold lettering is a nice touch.

Mel:
Oh, and look there’s brass plates on the doors of the units. Oh, and they’ve got names on them.

Leanne:
Mary O’Dowd 1940 -2010.

Mel:
Michael O’Malley 1938 – 2010.

Leanne:
Breda Flannagan 1935-2010

Mel:
Where did you buy the wood for your units?

Maureen:
From Able and Able, the Funeral Directors on the High Street.

Mel:
They’re all Irish names.

Doreen:
They’d had an influx of Catholics. Do you like them?

Mel:
No, I’m Presbyterian myself. Oh you mean the cupboards.

Leanne:
Oh, what a shame this one’s burnt round the edges.

Maureen:
Yeah, Able and Able made a boo boo.

Doreen:
Yeah, just as the coffin was making its way slowly towards the inferno they noticed the mourners were all gathered by an open grave.

Maureen:
They had to bring the coffin to a skidding halt but it still got singed round the edges. The family complained and said they wanted the coffin changed.

Doreen:
Didn’t half hold things up. There were funeral cars backed right up to the Fiveways roundabout.

Maureen:
There were Mum’s and Dad’s and Beloved Granddad’s as far as the eye could see.

Mel:
We’re not going to find a body laid out behind one of these cupboard doors, are we?

Maureen:
Why do you say that?

Mel:
Because this one says
Step softly a dream lies buried here.

Maureen:
Why don’t you open it and see?

Mel: (Cautiously opens the cupboard door then gasps in surprise)
Oh, it’s lined in pink padded satin just like the inside of a coffin.

Maureen:
A nice touch don’t you think? Class…real class!

Doreen:
Mor, looks like Julian’s brought his nuts where shall I tell him to put them?

Leanne: (Looking round quick)
Julian?

Maureen:
Another one of our neighbours. I didn’t think we had enough nuts but Julian said he had some at home so I asked him if he would fetch them. He only lives the other side of Grayling.

Doreen: (Holding out dish)
Will this dish be big enough?

Maureen:
Depends?

Doreen:
Should be all right.

Maureen: (Calling)
Julian, have you got your nuts?

Leanne:
What did he say?

Maureen: (Grinning)
He said “He tries never to go anywhere without them.”

Leanne:
Is he married?

Doreen:
No, but you can keep your eyes off him because I fancy him and so does Maureen.

Leanne:
What does he do for a living?

Maureen:
He’s a Nuclear Physicist so I think he’s more our type than yours.

Leanne:
Oh, really, what makes you say that?

Maureen:
Because we live on The Mount and you don’t.

Doreen:
Yes, breeding will out!

Leanne:
Yes, I think that too. Tell me, when you buried your mother, what was the inscription you had put on her headstone?

Doreen:
Well, we were going to have… You Were The Wind Beneath Our Wings.

Maureen:
But then remembering the effect the Guinness had on her we changed it to
The Faintest Fart Reminds Us Of Your Loving Heart!

Leanne:
Yes, Doreen, I can see what you mean about breeding will out!

End