My Friend Joan

My Friend Joan

My friend Joan is so busy
But always has time for friends.
She is the kindest person I know.
She is the person whose friendship
I most cherish and want to see grow.

Being so kind Joan needs time to unwind
So likes to go on a holiday or three
And although upset I can’t always go
I couldn’t begrudge her… no, not me!

But when Joan and Maureen go without me
I smile and say enjoy yourselves
I’ll still be here when you get back.
Still I admit to being a tiny bit miffed
But I’ve learnt to live with that
Though before too long they’re off again
With hardly time to unpack!

Still I don’t begrudge them, no, not one bit
Although, I’m known to be a lying little shit!
Because I hope it pisses down all week
A hurricane is forecast and the outlook very bleak.

I must admit I’m glad to see that where they’re going
The hotel has a leaky roof and gutters overflowing.
The drains are spewing sewage but it gives me no joy
That their hotel’s been condemned, well, it’s hardly the Savoy!

And Joan, your mattress looks as if it is home to bugs
The crockery is cracked and chipped including your mugs.
You can’t see in the mirror because it is covered in dust
And then the bed collapses because the bloody things bust!

But get a good night’s rest once you can stop itching
Though don’t complain the landlady won’t stand any bitching!
And that disgusting smell, I’m pretty sure it’s only the drains
The Ambulance took away those people still with stomach pains!

But I’ll be sleeping in my own clean little bed
Dreaming you’ve got to go out in order to get fed!
Lashed by the hurricane as it blows a force nine gale
Not just the wind now because it’s starting to hail!

Hail like golf balls has joined forces with the wind
Your landlady, Mrs Arsebum, looked as if she grinned
Knowing in such weather you would struggle to survive
But in her little book rule 113 sub section 18b
Clearly states no guests allowed back before five!

Joan dare not argue when told Maureen must stay in her room
Well, grim faced, Mrs Arsebum, travels everywhere by broom!
Bathing in the morning is done before five when the water is hot
With no deviation from this rule, no…definitely not!

The disabled toilet is on the fifth floor and no there isn’t a lift
The other toilets are out of action so be sure to be swift.
If you need to defecate it must be done in the allotted time.
So be sure to make your exit when you hear the chime!

At night the porter will stand guard outside while you pee
But don’t switch the light on as he prefers not to see.
Given one sheet of paper which must be used on both sides
But if diarrhoea then stay in there till the feeling subsides.

The Hotel has been re-licensed so no imbecile
Can leave the hotel showing symptoms of C-deficile!
Besides the hospital is still full from last week’s guests
But should you need me I leave time for last requests.

Yes, it is cold but you can’t stay in…So Out You Go!
The hurricane is passing but will soon be followed by snow!
Now you are fully aware there is just one more thing to say
Moya has rung and says to tell you to be sure to …Have a Nice Day!