The Cricklewood Times, Sunday 25th June 2017

You know me. I'm a laid-back, laissez-faire, like-it-really-matters kind of guy. But… Well, come on, a promise made should be a promise kept, no? (Excuse this Spanishism, I've been too long in the land of Quijote and Queso). Today I found out that I didn't make the Top 50 Summer Reads in The Cricklewood Times – I admit I'm not really sure which of those words merits a capital letter. So what? You say, neither did I (You? I'm confused already)! Ah well, thereby hangs a tail/tale.

Tarquin Humble is the literary and cookery correspondent of The Cricklewood Times. Occasionally, he'll write a restaurant review if he's overspent at the local dog track in any given month. Tarquin and I went to the same very minor grammar school just over the Welsh border, many years ago. In fact, he read some early versions of the manuscript of my novel, Giblets Mouse (damn' spellchecker!). On the whole, he was encouraging:

'Scrote, Old Bean' (It should be noted here that we both boarded and therefore first names were most definitely infra-dig, I take some pleasure in the fact that to this day Tarquin will always be “Bumhole” to me, although not in any physical sense you understand). ´Top hole story, is Professor Jedermann the chemistry bod we had in the lower 4^th? I don't remember him being a dwarf. This novel is quite probably the most extraordinary thing I've ever read'.

I replied to his many e-mails begging for money and even requests to meet up for a beer at my expense in The Painted Vole with a courteous "yes, of course"; taking as read a sympathetic review and placement in The Cricklewood Times Sunday Supplement when the opportunity arose after publication.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that this Sunday's CT supplement had omitted to mention Gibbering Grouse! (Damn' again! Stupid Spoilchicken). I fired off a rapid e-mail, I can tell you. What's the Old School Tie for, if not for such things? Anyway, Please Allow Me, The Gibbous House Man's innovatory marketing guru, received a correction to post on Facebook. So all's well that ends well, no?