The All-New Perversion Proximity Detector App

There is good news for anyone who no longer wishes to suffer the inconvenience of searching for a nearby orgy. Now there is no more suffering undue frustration whilst wandering around with their tool clutched in their hand (or for more advanced orgyists – with their tool in someone else’s hand). Splodge & Sons (Purveyors of Marital and Sexual aids to the gentry since 1789) have announced that from next month their famous Perversion proximity detector – once a hand-held tool - will be released as a mobile phone app.

The original tool was a must-have for any putative orgy-goer who found themselves in an unfamiliar location without a nearby orgy available to them. Or even for them to discover the whereabouts of the nearest local orgy without garnering any undue attention.

Some of us of more advanced years will – no doubt – recall the original hand-held Perversion proximity detectors. Remembering just how unwieldy they were with their seven aerials, the flexible moistness-sniffer and the rather loud naughtiness meter. Not forgetting, of course, the lewdness warning-lights that often lit up an entire village High Street when detecting someone wearing a snorkel while preparing a watermelon for an intimate encounter.

The wonders of technological innovation and miniaturization have moved on apace in this field. Splodge & Sons produce other similar devices in nearby fields (sometimes literally as with the SheepMate bovine compatibility detector). First Splodge & Sons produced a range of devices that could easily fit first the rucksack, and latterly the pocket or handbag – depending on mode of dress and/or undress.

Now, though, they’ve reduced the whole device to a mere app on one’s mobile phone. The app can detect a village hall orgy night from up to three valleys away. It also introduces you to any interested sheep in the fields between your position and the village hall, if you so desire.

Not only that, in the poor benighted regions of this once-great land which do not have a village hall, the app will give you a pointer towards the nearest local orgy. Up to and including any dalliance taking place on municipal premises, or behind a large hedge.

All in all then this is – I feel – one of the apps, along with the new Android version of SheepMate, which will be very useful to the orgyist. Especially one, who – for whatever reason – finds themselves in a strange place and in need of the familiar comforts of a local orgy. This app enables them to proceed without having to waste most of the evening in fruitless enquiries that leave them bereft of the friendly companionship they desire.

[Books by David Hadley are available here]