The Periodic Table

As most people are aware, the science we now know as chemistry grew out of what was once alchemy, a semi-mystical method of arsing about with various substances. The aim of alchemy was to bring about - by combining these various substances together - what was known as The Philosopher’s Jaffa Cake. This was rumoured to be a magical concoction of a golden sponge topped with a mystical and mysterious orange-flavoured substance, which was coated with a layer of chocolate.

Of course, many of the natural philosophers of the time boldly stated that such a concoction existing somewhere between the natural states of a biscuit or a cake without quite being either, would run counter to what they then regarded as God’s immutable laws of creation. Consequently, most of the experiments undertaken by the alchemists to attempt to create the philosophers Jaffa Cake had to be conducted in secret and the results and methods written in the alchemist’s own code.

Inevitably, not much of any real worth ever came from these early experimentations. However, one experiment intended to create the mystical orange-flavoured substance did result in the invention of marmalade, rightly acclaimed at the time of its invention (or discovery) as being the food of the gods.

Alchemists however, slowly began building up an understanding of the underlying nature of these substances they experimented with. This eventually led to the discovery that some of these materials were fundamental substances, which –consequently - could not be broken down any further into constituent substances – these were later to be known as The Elements. However the precise relationships between these elements and how they became biscuits were not fully understood at the time.

The breakthrough came when Dabbler Mandolinolinolin in a sudden fit of insight in the biscuit aisle of his local supermarket about the obvious connections in the relationship between the digestive and the chocolate digestive enabled him to invent the Periodic Table of Biscuits. It was only then that the true relationships between the various forms of biscuits became apparent and explicit. For example the links between the fruit shortcake and the garibaldi were suddenly abundantly clear, as well as relationships such as the link between the rich tea biscuit and the digestive. Even the even less obvious similarities such as those between the custard cream and the Jammy Dodger, were all suddenly revealed in Mandolinolinolin’s table. Even such oddities as the Bourbon became suddenly comprehensible to the nascent chemists of the time.

The discoveries of how the various forms of biscuit were related to each other came thick and fast after that, including only 50 years later an understanding of how the Transitional biscuits such as the digestive bridged the – what was formerly thought inviolate – gap between the sweet biscuits and the cheese biscuits.

Later it was realised that beyond the naturally occurring biscuits, it was possible to create Synthetic elements and so such things as Hobnobs and other new weird and wonderful creations came about.

It is undeniably true that without Mandolinolinolin’s Periodic Table Of Biscuits, some progress would have been made on understanding the fundamental role that biscuits play in the natural world. However, it is arguable that we would not know as much as we do now about the true nature of biscuits without Dabbler Mandolinolinolin’s great insight.