Actual Resume I've Posted Online

I've noticed that everyone fills out the same resume and it's pretty much just dumb luck or really good interviewing skills that get you a job. Once a person gets the job everyone knows that they are never as good as the resume made you assume they would be. For this reason, and because my generic resume isn't working, I would like to write a 100% honest and open invitation to hire me. Please see as follows a compiled list of my good and bad points.

1. To start I'm shy. Very shy. When you first meet me I will probably smile stupidly and not look you in the face. This makes for terrible interviews but rest assured I will open up. Once I get a feel for the people around me I'm quit funny and can tell office appropriate stories (yeah! My son did.... OMG your boyfriend... also? *laughing ensues).

2. I am actually quit a good listener yet I despise to gossip. I'm not going to lie, if you tell me gossip I will definitely listen. I'm not a robot after all. But, I do not like to be the gossiper. I won't judge you for telling your little tidbits. *more on judgements later* I simply don't find telling tales out of school to be my forte. The whole "did you say? she said you said? I heard that your moms boyfriends sister said you said" scene is not for me. You can jabber away though. I love it. honest

* 3. I honestly do not judge others. My son is mixed, I'm with his father still who has cheated on me in the past, a LOT, and my mother is a lesbian. I have a DUI under my belt and I no longer drink. I smoke and I had my child while still in high school. I'm in no boat to tell you how to do your shit or judge your orientation, race, religion, credence. Whatever. I simply want to have the same respect shown me. If you do NOT respect me that's cool too. Avoidance of me and my area is just fine by me.

4. Which leads me to my loner-ism. I enjoy the company of others very much. However, I am perfectly happy being left alone for long periods of time. I'm pretty fucking cool dear future employee, so if you leave me alone in an office to fend for myself I'll be just fine. Ditto for sticking me in a huge office with a bunch of people in cubicles. I'll probably mind my own business most of the time and be really nice to those who do decide to stop by.

5. I would rather work through my lunch. I'm cool with my little sandwich at my desk.

6. I never bring home to work with me. Stuffs really good on my home front, I have no need for complaint. When things do go wrong, as they will I'm sure, they do for everyone, you will probably never know. I don't talk about others and I don't talk about myself. Drama free! How many of your CURRENT employees can you say that about?

7. I'm smart. I don't have a degree to prove this hence my inability to get a high paying job but I am, very. I had a child at 17 which I stated earlier, leaving going to school a difficult proposition. I did try to do night school but I'm going to be honest with you, I love my son very much and I'm to proud to have asked for welfare at the time. I worked then went to school and saw my son maybe an hour a day. I do not want government help just because I was a young mother and all that stereotypical bullshit. I knew what I was doing, I got pregnant, this is my responsibility.

8. I'm responsible.

9. I need a new job. I really do. I need to make more than I do now ($10.50) and I need to not have to live in a basement apartment owned by a man whom I'm sure is a closet cereal killer. I need to be able to afford more than rent and food. I'm selfish okay? I'm an awesome chick and all... but gooood daaaamn. Can a bitch make enough to at least get something that I don't need to survive once in a while? Yes, I said it. I want spending money sometimes. Which means, if you pay me well I will never want to leave. Which means I'll work my fucking ass off to keep my job. Which means you benefit greatly.

10. For the reason above please don't be shocked if my clothes aren't super cute when I first start. I like to dress up all business like, I really do, but I can not afford to. I haven't had gratuitous "cute clothes" since before I had my child. Once I get my first couple of paychecks though I will be dressed to the 9's (if you pay well as stated above).

11. I really am fucking awesome. I'm one of the guys and have a wicked sick sense of humor so it's difficult to offend me.

12. I cook. Really well. And I bring baked goods into work often. I make an apple coffee cake that is to die for.

13. I've never been fired. I know that your not SUPPOSED to be fired so that's not a big accomplishment. But still, I have a great track record.

14. I'm loyal. I love my job here okay. I love the people I work with and I honestly can say I don't wake up and go "Shit. I don't want to go to work today". However, survival dictates that I can not make it on my current wages. I have asked for a raise and I got 50 cents, which was all they could give me. I work in Waldorf Maryland which is tiny to begin with. The office I work in now is small as well and they are paying me what they can afford.

In short, I have various around the office talents that all employers look for. I can type, I can file, answer phones, all that shit that looks good on a resume. Take the time to mull it over oh' future employee. Anyone and everyone can do a job if they put their mind to it. Can everyone be as awesome to work with as me though?