Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 11

Smithers 11

(At Dover ferry port)

PIGS’ : We can’t go on the boat in the normal way.

MRS. UPSALL : Why not?

PIGS’ : They’ll want to see our passports. We are wanted; we’ll have to smuggle ourselves on.

(They go to loading bay, open crate and get in. The crates are duly put on board the boat)

(Inside the crates)

PIGS’ : Good, we should arrive in Calais in a few hours.

MRS . UPSALL : It is very cramped in here.

ELDER McCRONIE  : Yes, we are very close, Mrs. Upsall.

MRS. UPSALL : Oh, Elder McCronie, you have noticed.

PIGS’ : Cut the crap, you bastards. We need to conserve as much air as possible.

(Three hours later the crates are delivered to Calais loading bay : Mrs. Upsall, Pigs’ Trotters and Elder McCronie get out of crates)

ELDER McCRONIE : Where to now, Pigs’?

PIGS’ : Well, I think the court of human rights and International justice.

ELDER McCRONIE : That’s in Brussels, isn’t it? We should have gone to Ostend.

PIGS’ : Never mind. We’ll just cross the border by train.

(In Rosemary Custard’s prison cell)

ROSEMARY : Oh woe is me. I’ve never been so low.

PRISON GUARD : Shut it Rosemary, I’ve good news, if you give me twenty quid I can give you a Smithers’ cock dildo.

(Rosemary’s eyes light up. She hands over the money)

ROSEMARY : What a whopper. The women of England shall be satisfied at last. Is he the biggest man in the world?

PRISON GUARD : They say he was impotent once, though I certainly can’t imagine it.

ROSEMARY : No dear, neither can I.

(The cell begins to vibrate)

(Susan McCronie comes to visit prison)

PRISON GUARD : You have a visitor, Rosemary.

ROSEMARY : Oh, who is it?

PRISON GUARD : It is Susan McCronie, the daughter of that evil subversive Elder McCronie.

ROSEMARY : Oh, Susan, my sweet petite. How nice of you to come, but to see me so reduced in circumstances.

SUSAN : I see your cock size isn’t reduced.

ROSEMARY : Oh this thing. It’s Smithers’ cock, Susan. You must let your father know, the women of England are being corrupted by a whopper.

SUSAN : I’ll get news out tonight, Rosemary, don’t worry. They have fled and are looking for help abroad.

ROSEMARY : I don’t think I can be strong for too long, Susan.

SUSAN : Don’t fret, Rosemary, they will get you released, I know they will.

(Back at Susan’s house. She is on mobile to her father)

SUSAN : Can you hear me, Dad?

ELDER McCRONIE : Yes, loud and clear.

SUSAN : Where are you?

ELDER McCRONIE : I am in Belgium. We have just arrived in Brussels.

SUSAN : I have news from Rosemary. A cast of Smithers’ cock has been made into a dildo for all the women of England. They are ecstatic.

ELDER McCRONIE : Oh my God, Susan. Such infamy, that is a most dastardly plot to corrupt them all.

SUSAN : I know, Dad. I am worried. They may all end up as bad as Rosemary Custard.

ELDER McCRONIE : But she isn’t really bad, Susan.

SUSAN : No, she’s a lesbian. The women of England have to be straight and evil. Terrible evil dummies to do Smithers’ will.

ELDER McCRONIE : What is his will, Susan?

SUSAN : World domination, Dad.

(Pigs’, Mrs. Upsall and the Elder McCronie step off train at Brussels station)

SVETLANA DRAEHORSE : May I be of service to you, three gentlefolk, English I think.

PIGS’ : Why yes, charmed I am sure. I am Pigs’ Trotters, who are you?

SVETLANA : I am Svetlana Draehorse.

PIGS’ : These are my two accomplices, I mean companions, Mrs. Upsall and Elder McCronie. We seek the International Courts of Justice.

SVETLANA : Oh do you indeed, and what is wrong pray?

PIGS’ : Oh a lot, we are glad to have got here in one piece. We need to save the world from Mad Smithers.

SVETLANA : Why, I am from Russia. What goes on in England?

PIGS ‘ : Oh terrible things. They have a huge cock there. Anything could happen, it belongs to Smithers.

SVETLANA : My God, that sounds very evil. I must help you all I can. Smithers must be mad to have unleashed his cock on the world.

(At the International Courts of Justice)

SVETLANA : Listen everybody, something terrible is happening in England. We must formulate a plan to quell Smithers before it is too late.

JUDGE : What is happening out there?

SVETLANA : There is a terrible cock of injustice. It is huge.

PIGS’ : Yes, your grace, your honour. We must save our friends from the clutches of evil. I have a fine friend Rosemary Custard B.A. persecuted for rampant lesbianism.

JUDGE : Oh no, that is awful. Who is this evil man, what can we do?

PIGS’ : Well, your honour, your grace, we suggest spraying the country with antidote from planes overhead, we have a sample of the antidote here.

ELDER McCRONIE : Yes, this will unlock the hold Smithers has. It will cut the balls off the giant cock he wields in England. The people are brainwashed.

MRS.UPSALL : Yes, give them the antidote and the world will be free.