Boiling Water

   I wrote this around the turn of the century. (Wow. That's the first time I've ever used that phrase in a sentence.) It's the only thing of mine that was published. It was published in a Cajun Cookbook. I was paid twenty five dollars. It was for chairity. I'm rememinded of it because someone asked if I've ever been published. The answer is yes. And here it is.

Boiling Water

    If you're like me, you and your family will get years of pleasure from the following recipe.

   I have been boiling water for a good many years and have always gotten a great deal of satisfaction from the experience.

   I know what you're thinking: "Me? Boil water? No way!"

   But I'm here to tell you that, yes, there is a way. A foolproof and safe way. It's a bit complicated at first. But once you've learned the basics, you'll be amazed that you ever doubted yourself.

   I've managed to whittle the recipe down to ten easy steps (when I first starting boiling water, there were twenty steps). So, welcome to the twenty-first century, and good luck!

       1. Get yourself a pot. If you don't have a pot, go out and buy one. (I can't believe I spent the first thirty years of my life without a pot. I used to get my boiling water at a midtown diner. And if you've ever sat on a rush hour bus with a three-gallon container of boiling water cradled in your lap, you'll know what a hassle that can be. I didn't make many friends on the bus, I can tell you that. But I never had a problem getting a seat, either.)

       2. Once you have the pot, fill it three quarters full with water.
      

       3. This is the step where I give you a little breather. And believe me you're going to need it to get through the next seven steps. Go to your basement and work out with your weights for approximately fifteen minutes. Then hit the treadmill for twenty -- thirty if you're in good shape and don't run the risk of cardiac arrest. After your workout, go to Home Depot and buy a good back brace and a pair of work gloves. Proceed to step four.

       4. Go to your neighbor's house and ask to borrow a kitchen stove (gas or electric, it doesn't matter), because if you're like me you don't have one. Hell, you barely know how to make toast, why on earth would you need a stove? Promise you'll return the stove the following day. Unless your back gives out. Then hire some neighborhood kids to do it.  (I know it's tempting, but please refrain from suing your neighbor in the event that you hurt your back. I know it's painful, but it's really not your neighbor's fault.)

       5. Turn on the stove. If it's electric, simply turn the dial to the high position and place the pot on the burner. If it's a gas stove, turn the dial to the high position and wait for it to ignite. If it doesn't light right away, step back five paces and throw several lighted matches in the direction of the burner. Once the burner ignites - and you haven't set fire to the over-head cabinets - put the pot of water on the burner and relax for a moment. You're doing just fine.

       6. Watch the pot.

       7. Continue watching the pot.

       8. At this juncture in the boiling process, you may find yourself getting bored. It is now time to speed things along. You can start by doing one of two things:

       A.) You can stick your nose about an inch from the surface of the water to give yourself a good sense of any impending boil.

       B.) You can jab a finger in the pot.

       (If you decide on the finger, make sure you have a bucket of iced-water at the ready to alleviate the sudden pain your finger will be enduring. If you do stick your nose in the pot, make sure your ice bucket is large enough to accommodate your head.)

       9. If you've gotten this far -- and you still don't have any boiling water -- you will have realized that boiling water is a complicated matter, and better left to the professional. Turn off your burner and proceed to step number ten.

       10.  Climb into bed with a tall glass of cold milk and a large bag of Oreos. And have a good night. Bon appétit.

Boiling Water Recipe

1 pot
 
Water

   Fill your pot three quarters full with the water. Heat until it bubbles. Heating times vary.

   To paraphrase Albert Einstein, who once said (when asked to give a simplified explanation of relativity), "One hour on a park bench with a pretty girl seems to go by in a matter of minutes. But put your hand on a hot stove for one minute, and it seems like an hour. That's relativity."

   I don't recommend you put your hand on a hot stove, but an hour on a park bench with the one you love isn't such a bad idea. It sure beats watching the pot.