Celia Acts Up

I

The third grade production of Little Red Riding Hood was in turmoil.

“As the lead,” said Celia, “I think Little Red Riding Hood should avoid the forest all together and find an alternate means of transportation. Like a bus. It’s safer and reasonably cheap.”

“That may be so, Celia," said Mr. Hopper, director of the arts at Cold Spring elementary school, “but the story calls for a forest. And a forest it will be.”

Mr. Hopper mopped his comb-over with a sweaty towel and thought about taking a bus himself.

“And wouldn’t a squirrel make more sense than a wolf? I mean, who’s ever seen a wolf in the forest around here? Not me. That’s for sure.”

”Squirrels don‘t gobble up anyone’s grandma,” said Mr. Hopper. “That‘s a job for a wolf. The wolf stays!”

“And a picnic basket?" said Celia. "Really? I could make a call and grandma would have a pizza - hot and fresh - in twenty minutes.”

“Little Red Riding Hood never had a phone!” said Mr. Hopper. “Never! Never! Never! You’re carrying the basket!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Hopper but this whole thing is bogus," said Celia. “You’d have to be a complete imbecile to think a wolf in a nightie would fool anyone.”

On the bus ride home, Mr. Hopper pondered how many years he had been at the school and how many more years till retirement.

I’m screwed, he thought.

II

The third grade production of Little Red Riding Hood was having its first dress rehearsal.

“Celia,” said Mr. Hopper. “What’s that you’re wearing?”

“I thought it would be more dramatic if Red Riding Hood wore a leather jacket,” said Celia.

“Toughen her up a little. Make the wolf think twice about messing with granny.”

“Off!” said Mr. Hopper. “Cape in! Jacket out!”

“A cape? Really?” said Celia. “It’s not like she’s gonna fly to grandma’s. And besides, leather is more practical in a forest. They’re rugged as all heck. You get tangled in a bramble patch with a cotton cape and you may as well kiss half your body parts goodbye."

Mr. Hopper closed his eyes and saw his past, present and future go down the river and over the falls in a wolf-skin canoe paddled by an eight-year-old in a red leather jacket.

“Celia,” said Mr. Hopper. “Who’s that in the princess outfit?”

“That’s Red Riding Hood’s sidekick Freddie,” said Celia. “Ain’t she a beaut?”

“Sidekick?” said Mr. Hopper. “There is no sidekick! Never was a sidekick! Never will be a sidekick! Never! Never! Never!”

“Then who’s going to cast a spell on the wolf and turn him into a lovely old grandpa for grandma to have?”

On the bus ride home Mr.Hopper scanned the faces of the passengers and wondered if it was just Celia, or did they all hate him too.

III

As the curtain rises on the third act, Little Red Riding Hood - clad in red Converse high-tops and red leather jacket - enters grandma‘s house.

“Hello Grandmother, it’s me, Little Red Riding Hood!”

"Oh, hello dear," said the wolf.

“Oh, Grandmother! What big ears you have!”

“The better to hear you with, my dear.”

“And Grandmother! What big eyes you have!”

“The better to see you with, my dear.”

“And Grandmother! What - holy crow! What a big nose you have! Geez!”

Off stage, Mr. Hooper cringed, and tried to feed Celia her line.

“Big teeth! Celia. Big teeth!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Hopper,” said Celia, “but that wolf is definitely over-nosed. You could hang a porch swing on the darn thing."

“Hey!” cried the wolf. “That’s my real nose you’re talking about!"

Loretta the school lunch lady - a last minute replacement for the role of the wolf - jumped out of grandma’s bed and gave chase.

Later, in the ambulance, and during a lull in his nervous break-down - Mr. Hopper thought about how restful the hospital stay will be compared to his studio apartment with the clanging radiator and the flamingo dancers occupying the floor above.

But mostly he thought about Celia.

“Lovely little girl, really. Means well. A bit rambunctious, perhaps. Needs to have a say in everything. Always looking for attention. A bit of a nerve wrecker, mostly. I wonder how many others she’s destroyed!”

Shhh,” said an ambulance attendant. “We’re almost there.”