How To Be a Writer

What to write? What to write? How about, “The Mothership is approaching!” said Qualaxia. “Hurry! Round up the Conservatives!”

Nah. How about, Upon hearing, “Open up! It’s the police!” Vernon frantically stuffed as many of the sheep as he could into the bedroom closet. But he knew his days of running The Hillbilly Whore House were over.

I don’t think so. Let’s see? I know! How about How To Be a Proper Writer in Ten Easy Steps?

1. Sharpen pencil.

2. Open notebook.

3. Write The on the upper left hand corner of the page.

4. Get up and put on a pot of coffee.

5. Decide nothing goes better with coffee than a chocolate frosted donut. (I’ve heard that Ernest Hemingway never traveled without a box of those frosted beauties.)

6. Get a napkin to blot coffee stains from the page you are writing on. (Don’t throw that page away. When you’re a famous author it will be displayed in a window case at your home, which after your death will be turned into a museum. People will see it and get inspired. “Look,” they will say, “He sure did like his coffee.”

7. Get back to work on that first sentence. You’ll want to follow The with some sort of action. For instance, The walks into a barroom. Or, The was indecisive. The spread her creamy white thighs . . . wait, no, that’s not right. Let’s go on to number eight.

8. Make mental note. No Sambuca in your coffee when writing.

9. By now the glare of the blank white page will have given you a headache. Time to put away your writing tools. Start by un-sharpening your pencil. Wait. That can’t be right, either. Am I that drunk?

10. Yes. I guess I am that drunk. Neatly store away your writing tools. Then polish off that bottle of Sambuca before going to bed.

Congratulations! You’ve made it through your first day as a writer!

Feels good, don’t it?