SAUSAGE DOG

- - - Mrs.Tilley sat in the unduly quiet waiting room at the Vet's, anxiously hoping to be called in sooner than next. She tried to give the impression of being as small as possible, but with the bloated monster on her lap, that proved pretty difficult. She was a happy, bouncy woman most of the time, with a cute little sausage-dog to match - you know what they say about owners and their pets. Well, today was a blot on the copybook.

- - - It must have been about three days ago that the greedy dog had gorged himself on a whole tin of baked beans she had left out for Hubby's tea, and now the consequences were fast becoming manifest!

- - - Unduly loud farts ripped the polite fabric of an already tense atmosphere - one after another: such cringeing embarrassment for Mrs.Tilley. "Why are there no dogs here beside mine?" she thought, "I need some barking to drown this out. Nothing but rabbits today. And a mouse."

- - - The posh copper nameplate glinted as the clinical white door opened to reveal a smiling Vet. "Ah, Mrs.Tilley - and what can we do for Billy today?" he asked as she struggled in with her patient.

- - - They installed the ballooning dog on the slippery top of the vet's examining table, at which point there came a loud yelp and matching fart at the same time, as the freshly disinfected metal chilled the overstretched stomach of the animal, causing distress. There was no way that dog could stand up - all it could do was paddle uselessly with skittering paws, a fat sausage on a plate with long brown ears swinging round like limp leather propellers.

- - - When Mrs.Tilley had finished explaining the causes of Billy's condition, about how the dog had been attracted to the small pork sausages in the beans, and had eaten the lot in hopes of finding more, the Vet nodded in agreement as he prodded Billy's stomach, saying: "Ah, well, there's definitely an obstruction here caused by a bolus which has compacted in the gut. This has led to a rather severe build-up of gas in the intestines which cannot escape......so -" He fumbled with a tube and some whitish bubbly liquid in a large gauge syringe - "An enema should do the trick; very quick-acting, this, so we'll have the poor little fellow as right as rain in no time."

- - - The dog was transferred to the floor and they waited, and waited......
Then the farting came in full throttle again, a little whimper here and there, and then - "Looks like we have lift-off!" quipped the Vet.

- - - A noise like a trombone full of porridge ensued, which triggered an anguished, pleading howl from the wretched creature, until the bolus was finally dislodged, whereupon it shot out like a billiard ball, splatting the wall somewhere under the sink plumbing, making a nice little pancake for the cleaners. The sheer ballistic force of this expulsion caused the poor animal to spin on the bloated cushion of its stomach at the same time as it skidded, jet-propelled across the effluent-primed lino.

- - - Never will they ever forget the expression of abject terror on that little dog's face as it water-planed into the table leg, almost stoving its cranium in the process. Such was the unexpected suddenness of effects brought on by the super-efficient enema.

- - - Relief! Almost tangible relief all round; then the no-nonsense conclusion as the vet's nurse bustled round with a mop bucket and disinfectant. After a sedating tablet, a pat on the head and some medicine for Billy, the Vet ushered dog and owner out of the surgery and through the waiting room which by now seemed to have filled up with bemused people with cats.

- - - Out into the arclight sun and the applause of a blue sky Mrs. Tilley felt she had done her duty well for Billy, and when she arrived home she saw her neighbour Sally still lying almost never-moved since lunch time, bronzing herself on her garden sunbed.
- - - "Oh, hello, Mrs.T, did you have a good day, then?"
- - - "You've no idea what a time I've had - no idea at all!", Mrs.Tilley replied. She shut the door quietly and then put Billy in his basket. She muttered to herself: "These people. Huh! No conception whatsoever about other folks' lives."