C: 10/21/02

Work Diary, 10/21/02

Today I'm training a new employee named Gary. I like him. He's very
talkative and eager, and a veritable fount of new material.

For instance, in the past two hours, I have learned the following about
Gary: His wife has multiple sclerosis; he had testicular cancer (they
caught it just in time, right before it "exploded and invaded" his
entire lymph system); he owns 2,300 CDs, has been a dee-jay, and is a
"fanatic about music"; he ran a production company, which apparently
included magic shows; he has met many famous magicians in Las Vegas; he
knows how to pick locks; he is 29; he has been married twice (his first
wife was his high school sweetheart and "became a total bitch"); he was
fired from his last job at an investment firm for pointing out the
unethical practices of fellow employees; his father was an insurance
agent who introduced Gary to the world of insurance at the age of four;
he likes cold weather better than hot weather; he believes he has the
body of an old man; he likes cake; he is considering adoption now that
he has learned our company offers financial assistance for it; he has
two college degrees; he originally went to college for engineering, but
was told by a professor on the first day to "get out there and learn
more about people"; if that didn't work out, the professor would get
him a scholarship to return to the engineering school; his mother is
extremely intelligent and well-read but smokes; he likes Mexican food;
he has been drunk in Texas; he grew up in Pueblo; he wants to become a
corporate lawyer for an insurance company; his wife is a paralegal; he
likes John Waters films; he hated the "Harry Potter" movie but thought
"Lord of the Rings" was great; potato salad is one of his biggest
weaknesses; he believes "customers should be treated like kings"; he
drives fast; he lives in a condo; his air conditioner erupted in flames
this past summer; he owns four pairs of slacks; he has allergies; he
feels the media will get us all killed by announcing the location of
our armed forces at each given opportunity; he is not a morning person;
he has good upper body strength; he hates doing squats at the gym; he's
been called a "cold fish" by more than one person in his life; he had
the third highest grade-point-average in high school; he has blond
hair, very pale skin, and is somewhat prone to plumpness.

A walking, talking novella, that one. When, you might ask, did we
actually get around to any training? When, indeed. Already he has
announced to anyone who will listen that he is monotesticular, which
may or may not be a good way to make new friends. On the other hand,
it's not every day that one gets the opportunity to study a living J.
Alfred Prufrock.