Z: 3/6/03

Work Diary, 3/6/03

Yesterday I was in the restroom washing my hands when I looked into the
mirror and saw that I'd forgotten to wear a belt. My hair was sticking
up in back like I'd just woken up, and there was a dark patch under my
chin I missed with the razor. I am a complete failure as a gay man. My
shirt had dog hair on it and the tops of my shoes were covered in mud
splotches. My undershirt was frayed; I don't watch "Six Feet Under" or
"Trading Spaces"?

?rayon gives me a rash;

?I am a loner;

?I think politically incorrect gay jokes are hilarious;

?I truly do believe New York is a great place to visit, but I wouldn't
want to live there;

?discussions about Armani's new collection, circuit parties, and/or
Madonna make me want to run screaming from the room;

?I view Barbara Streisand as a sociopathic control freak who has cold
rabbit eyes;

?I think anything with the name "Versace" attached to it is best
avoided;

?musicals embarrass me;

?I believe corduroy pants should remain in fashion from the moment you
buy them until your relatives are deciding which pair to bury you
in;

?I will eat out of a saucepan;

?I consider massage as relaxing as a boric acid enema;

?I get confused very, very easily in the techno section of the music
store;

?I have the decorating sense of a brain-damaged Martha Stewart;

?in the mornings I wear a brown plaid robe and two-dollar slippers I
bought at Payless;

?the chances of me ever using steroids are right up there with me
writing, directing, and starring in my own smash Broadway hit;

?I would rather eat raw snails - shells and all - than wear a thong in
public;

?I actually bought my dog as a pet, not as a date-magnet;

?I haven't further ruined the already peeling paint on my car with a
rainbow flag sticker;

?I have no tattoos or piercings;

?I'm looking forward to going bald;

?my fortieth birthday seems more like a goal to me than a death
sentence;

?if I went to Paris, it's highly unlikely I would sit around in a
coffee shop talking about it;

?I believe all-gay cruise ships are a form of punishment, not a
vacation;

?I couldn't care less if anti-gay factions get used to me or not;

?the Gay Olympics seriously make me question the sanity of the
participants;

?I haven't vacuumed or dusted my house for two months;

?I believe country-western clothing on gay men is just another form of
drag;

?I do not shudder dramatically at the mere mention of female
anatomy;

?I'm not a registered Democrat;

?I would rather scientists not discover a gay gene;

?I don't think driving an SUV while wearing a baseball cap makes me
more masculine;

?gay novels bore me;

?I wish advertisers were still ignoring the gay market;

?I do not believe every man has a bit of bisexuality in him;

?I have no desire to publicly out movie stars in order to feel better
about myself;

?I refuse to believe in a stagnant gay "culture";

?I believe the clothes, car, cologne, and shoes detract from the man,
not make him;

?I wish straight men would quit co-opting sensitivity so I could tell
everyone apart again;

?I believe Liza Minelli is proof that Judy Garland is not one to
emulate;

?I think caviar tastes exactly like what it is;

?I wish Calvin Klein and his billboards would just go away;

?I think mimosas are a waste of perfectly good booze;

?I am me first, and gay?maybe third or fourth?

Bad queen! No croissant!