Catching the train

Catching the Train

Amanda stood on Platform 4. A cold wet January night. She was wearing her best clothes right down to her underwear. Amanda loved sexy underwear and the black and cream lace bra and knickers she was wearing now were stunning. Under her warm fur coat, the red suit she was wearing was slightly out of character as black was always safe in her mind. Nothing needed to be safe today. She was very nervous about her journey. She knew it would settle once and for all the next stage of her life. With her she only had her ticket, her handbag to hold the vodka hipflasks, oh and she had around her neck the gold crucifix her mother had given to her when she was 21. Amanda was now 42 years old. Even though she was going away she had no baggage she didn’t need it as she had enough baggage in her head. The train was not due for another hour but she arrived early as she wanted to sip the vodka. She knew it would give her the courage she'd need for her journey!

As she stood waiting she started to wonder how on earth she had got to this point in her life and why there was no turning back.

Amanda had never married. She was an attractive women but not in the conventional sense. Her mother once told her it was her personality that brought her face to light. This was true. Today she felt really good both her hair and makeup were just right. To her it mattered.

She thought about her son, John. He was 17 now and had moved in with his father. Amanda didn't mind this although she missed him and felt lonely. John was already 6’2” beautifully built and very athletic. He had joined an Athletics club when he was 13 and she was so proud that he was still a member. It was great that he hadn't started smoking yet. "Thank the Lord".

John was her only child. She would have liked more but the father of her son, Simon, didnt want to know her when it came to sex. Simon had only gone out with Amanda because he thought she had loads of money. Well she did for 5 minutes. Amanda had stupidly shown him her savings account which had £130,000 in it. It was a joint account she was sharing with her then partner, Paul. He had been married and divorced and it was the divorce settlement that had given Paul all this money not to mention the drugs he had sold! Paul was in jail for this and so Amanda had full responsibility for this money. Without thinking it through she gave it up to be with Simon. Which was ironic because that was the only reason Simon had wanted to be with her in the first place? The money! Maybe too that she had a lovely home and Simon still lived with his mum.
She thought about Paul again, he had died when he was only 35 from too many drugs which gave him a massive heart attack. Tragic!

Amanda fell in love with Paul deeply but he would not give up the drugs, even when he was in jail. She had begged him to stop them but he wouldn’t. She had already fought and won him over from his wife but to win him from his drug habit, wasnt to be. Because of this she finished with him. It wasn’t an easy decision but she had had enough of life with drugs. Drugs were not fun they just brought misery.

As Amanda was standing there on Platform 4 she thought, God if there was any time in her life when she should have taken this journey it would have been at that time, before John was born. That was the time when she felt at her lowest. She had lost Paul to drugs. The relationship with Simon was not working. Their sex life was non existence. If it hadn’t been for that holiday in France John would never have been born. Amanda’s sex life was on hold for nearly 6 years after John had been born. Then she thought “but I loved sex”. Masturbation was nearly out of the question! Having been brought up a catholic girl she still felt this was a naughty sin. Any how her self esteem at that point in her life was very low. It was at this point that she had decided to totally devote her life to being the best mother she could to John. Everything else had to wait.

But now standing there on this cold wet platform she thought "How strange but at this very moment in my life I feel at my best and I havent laughed so much or been happier" She was comfortable with herself with her looks even her self esteem was at the best place it had ever been.

If anyone had watched her with her family over the Christmas and New Years celebrations they would have thought that Amanda was a very happy women. She remembers chatting to her sister over a glass of wine telling her that in the New Year she was hoping that she might meet someone get married and live happlier ever after. They had both laughed but deep down this is what Amanda wanted now in her life. Christmas seemed a million miles away standing there on the platform.

Suddenly it seemed very cold and Amanda pulled her coat even closer to her. A fast train just whizzed by at an almighty speed. She looked at her watch. Still 40 minutes to wait. She looked around the platform, it was empty on this side, and there were only two people standing there on the opposite platform, platform 3. It was late, dark and the train she was catching was the last one of the night. This was good. She then heard footsteps coming up the stairs behind her. It was a tall dark haired man about the same age as her. He was dressed well. He pulled his coat close to him as he went and sat in the waiting room. For some reason she hadnt expected anyone else to be waiting so this annoyed her. She took a big swig from her hip flask. She looked over at him, he looked at her then took a newspaper he had under his arm and started to read it. She noticed on the front page as he opened it the headline, “2008 hard times a head”. This reminded her why she was there to catch this train.

In 2005 Amanda went to court to declare bankrupty. Her full time job paid for her mortgage and bills but she had used credit cards for the fun things in life. Eventually though she was unable to pay back her credit cards. She had thought going bankrupt had been her answer. Until yesterday when she got a letter from the Insolvency Group saying that they were going to repossess her home to pay back what equity she had left to her creditors. The big banks would get about £2000 each. Well she thought "Let them have it if it makes them happy!"

Amanda did try to help herself out. She did a lot of pub work. Working full time and working in the evening. But it was never enough. She took a swig of her vodka.

She didn’t hear the train coming in on Platform 3. It was just suddenly there. She heard the doors open and could hear footsteps from people getting off. When the train pulled out Platform 3 was empty. She looked at her watch again, half an hour to go. She looked over at the guy in the waiting room. He too had looked over when the train pulled in but he was now back reading his paper. Well so she thought, he was actually looking at Amanda because he was thinking what an attractive women she was. Amanda took another long swig of her vodka this finished the first hip flask. She was feeling good. Alcohol always made her feel good. As Liza Minnelli said some people drink and feel good some people drink and just feel sleepy when Liza drank she felt WOW and this is how Amanda felt now WOW.

Again she took a sip from her second hip flask. It felt good seeping through her veins. Amanda thought "I'm a lover not a fighter" and holding that thought she looked over at the gentleman in the waiting room. She started to fantasise about him as they were the same age. Maybe he was the one she was going to live happlier ever after with. She saw herself going over to him. She had a packet of cigarettes in her pocket and decided although she had a lighter to ask him if he had a light.
“Have you got a light please”? He looked up from his newspaper. “Madam” he said. For some reason since her 40th birthday people started to call her Madam. She forgave him though because he was obviously American and she adored the American accent. “Madam, if you look to your left you will see that this is a no smoking area” She looked over to her left. Yes there was a big No Smoking sign. “Oh Yes of course” “Where are you going then she asked him” The vodka was making her feel brave. “He looked up at her and said “I am going to London to meet my wife” Well that told her. “Excellent Sir have a lovely time” With that she walked away from him, some fantasy she thought and looking away from him, lit her cigarette. Turning towards him she blew out the smoke and blew him a kiss. He was obviously annoyed but said nothing and carried on reading his paper. He was annoyed; Amanda was only trying to be friendly. Perhaps it was the cigarette perhaps he had given up as a New Years Resolution. Not the brightest thing to do. People were so adverse to smokers now. No smoking anywhere public in side not even in pubs. How ludicrous was this law. When she was working in pubs Amanda always thought and said out loud that this law would never happen. She thought smoking in pubs would be the last place on earth for people to light up, but that option has now gone. Amanda thought that probably in 100 years time smoking cigarettes would be looked at the way chewing tobacco and spitting were, as just a disgusting habit. Oh well what did it matter now; she started to giggle it was like being put before the firing squad. “What is your last wish, Madam”? “Please may I have a cigarette”? She thought this as she was puffing away, looking at the gentleman reading his paper shaking his head.

If she had not rushed off like she always did Amanda would have found out from the man, who was quite nervous about talking to a stranger, that he was infact meeting his wife to settle a nasty divorce they were going through. The man had wished that Amanda had not rushed off so quickly he had wanted to chat more. The opportunity was gone.

Amanda thought the guy was handsome in a quirky way like her really. His dark hair had a sprinkling of grey and he had beautiful blue eyes, her favorite combination. But even though she wanted to meet someone there was no point. Amanda had also worked as an Escort. Subconsciously she knew that a relationship would not work. It would cause too much heart ache. She wasnt ashamed of that way of life though, on the contrary, it had been one of the best times of her life, she had really felt alive. She had been very successful, men liked her. Then she thought how odd that after six years of no sex she had been having an exceptional sex life and getting paid for. Perhaps life had a way of getting you back, who knows!

She pondered on her Escort life. On a good night she would work from 8pm to 3am and bring home £300. Very rarely did Amanda go home with nothing and even if she went home with £50 at least it was something. These nights were filled mostly with just being good company to the guy and drinking wine together and putting the world to rights. But even though she was getting in in the early hours of the morning not once did she miss having a bath or going to her full time work. Only once did she get home at 6am and still she managed to bath before going straight to work without any sleep. "No sleep with money in my purse" she thought "was definitely better than 8 hours sleep with no money in my purse!"
When things got bad with the Escort work she did try working in a pub again and it did help her out for quiet awhile.

She stubbed out her cigarette.

She looked at her watch again. 10 minutes before the last train arrives. She took another swig of her vodka. All that was missing from her life was that one ingredient "fun money"! That last letter definitely was all she needed to make up her mind and her journey.

The last train stopping pulled in on Platform 4. The guy from the waiting room was now on the platform having put his newspaper in the bin. The doors opened and as he went to step on to the train he turned to Amanda, “Aren’t you getting on, this is the last train out of here tonight” “I believe there is one more” Amanda said “No, this is definitely the last one” he said “OK if you say so” With that she lit another cigarette. “Those will kill you you know” “ Is that right” she said. With that the train doors closed, again Amanda blew out the smoke and as the train pulled out blew the guy another kiss. Again he was shaking his head.

Amanda knew there was one more train to come. She started to walk along the platform. She was thinking “God knows how I tried to keep it together”.

She had prayed and prayed to her guardian angels to help her out, prayed and prayed and prayed. But they obviously couldnt hear her. Even though Amanda was quite happy with her life that letter had just drained her, she just didn’t have the energy to carry on any more. She knew John would be alright he had turned into a really strong, intelligent and very likeable young man, forgive me John.

With that thought she

walked down the steps onto the rail line and as she turned, her crucifix caught the light from the very bright lights of the very fast last train which came hurtling towards her, then with a big smile and her arms out stretched the train hit her and she was gone.