A Fathers Advice.

A fathers letter to his son, giving words of wisdom.

Dear Son,

Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. Sorry I can’t be there, but thought I would send this letter and give you some words of advice. It's the same advice my old dad gave me just before my special day with your mum.

The first thing is honesty. You must never be honest with her. Tell her exactly what she wants to hear. She will love you for this.

Let me give you a few examples;

If she’s getting ready and asks you how she looks, you must never say she looks “Nice”.

Women hate “Nice”, nice means ordinary. The word to use is “Stunning”. Now she might think you’re taking the piss. Hold your nerve here son, keep a straight face and repeat the word “Stunning”. Then say the words slowly “Honestly darling. You look absolutely stunning.”  She’ll melt.

If she’s dyed her hair and it has come out orange, remember, you don’t just “like” orange, you absolutely “love” orange! Say something like “Wow, who’d have thought orange could look so good.” Remember at all time to keep a straight face.

Always go out on a Friday night, never stay indoors. It's important that you keep the routine, even if you have nowhere to go, still go out. Even if it means you have to walk the streets for a few hours, go out!  Once you stay indoors on a Friday night, you will never be allowed out again.

If you think you’ll be home by eleven o’clock, tell her that it’s likely to be around midnight. This way when you do eventually get home about half eleven, she will thank you for being early.

Always buy flowers. I repeat, always buy flowers! She will complain about them being too expensive and that you shouldn’t waste your money, but the minute you stop, she’ll never forgive you!

Call her every day, but not at the same time. This is very important, if you always call at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, if you haven’t called by 2.15, she will get annoyed or worried. So always vary the time, but always call.

She will never like your best friend, we don’t know why, but it’s just a fact of life. But she will like your sad, lonely friends, she’ll feel sorry for them, you know the one’s, the one’s that can’t get girlfriends.

You must never, ever, dislike her friends. That’s her job! You must keep quiet when she complains about one of them, just nod in agreement, don’t get dragged into anything, because in a few days they’ll be best friends again and you will be the one that she thinks hates them and then she’ll never forget it!

Your life will now be about hair and nails. It’s an obsession of theirs.  Women are either doing their nails or just about to do them or talking about getting them done. Same with hair, only this is much more complex. They’ll talk for ages about length, colour and style. They’ll even know everything about their hairdresser. Usually a gay man. Even if he’s married they’ll say he’s probably gay and hasn’t come out yet. This is in total contrast to our barbers. We have no idea who he or she is or if they're married or not. They're just people who cut our hair.

 When hair and nails come up just nod and smile, you don’t have to listen, just catch the odd word in case she asks for your opinion. In which case try to remember what she said and then just repeat it back to her word for word.

And finally, when she gets broody and starts talking about kids and you don’t think you’re ready. Get a dog! She’ll love it. It will also help if you’re out late down the pub. She’ll have company so won’t mind so much.

Well son, got to go now, the ward sister is about to turn the lights out. It’s good news by the way. They say I’m lucky. The knife missed my heart by just a few millimetres. Still can’t understand why my fourth wife gets so upset.

Good Luck Son.

Dad.