Feels like freedom tonight

By Kahdai

Wed, 14 Apr 2010
  • 1468 reads
9 comments
 

Silver birch leaves could be coins,
as we fly past on this evening sky,
riding through the wind speeding up
higher chasing to catch the sunset.

Wind, we wrap up to be close to you
let you in without biting our skin,
seven suns setting in your helmet
eleven sun sets are in your eyes.

Corners closing up the front tire,
hair out on the back of your neck
looks as though will turn to fire
as I feel we are about to go wild.

My voice soars away as loud as it can,
singing to all in the world around us
heard us for a second, look then gone
it's happy because feels like freedom.

Certificate U
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by Beeme on
Hello Kahdai, I really enjoyed this. You use the most beautiful, intricate imagery. The first stanza was my favourite ( although I loved them all) ;) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Kahdai on
Thanks Beeme, I am still drafting, so any advice would be really appreciated. K xx

"I will make sense with a few reads \^^/ "

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
Really like this Kahdai. You have used some very colourful imagery here:- "Silver birch leaves together like coins, as we fly past on the night sky," Wonderful! And:- 'Hairs on the back of you neck, look as though they turn to fire,' Again, this is highly effective. Keep going with the drafting. You have the makings of an excellent poem here. Tina ;-)xx

 

Submitted by rjnewlyn on
Seems finished to me - there's something wild and free about the language as well as the message. I'd be careful in case it gets polished too much - very wonderful as it is.

 

Submitted by MistakenMagic on
I agree with Rob - don't change this one too much, Kahdai! I love your use of imagery and the poem's wild, carefree air is infectious! Really well done on this one ;) Magic xxx

 

Submitted by Kahdai on
Well I didn't think it all quite makes sense yet, I really glad you all like it anyway! rjnewlyn, I think I do over edit sometimes, same with art, change over & over until it's too dark to see the detail & my language is always a bit wild sided. Any help what could improve it anyone? Thank-you all very much though, it was a wonderful evening ride-out to ghost tunnel & race to get back before dark. Kahdai xxx

"I will make sense with a few reads \^^/ "

Submitted by shoe on
This has a lovely energy, the only suggestion I could make is there may be too many commas, I am certainly no expert, but I think for example, the first lines of the first 3 stanzas could lose their commas as the sentance carries over into the next line, everyone does it differently of course.:~} I love the images and spontaneousness of this poem.

 

Submitted by Kahdai on
Thank-you very much shoe :) K xx

"I will make sense with a few reads \^^/ "

Submitted by Kahdai on
Here's the new version, any changes welcome. Kahdai xxx

"I will make sense with a few reads \^^/ "