Sparrow

Cherry

By Lavenderlooms

Sat, 03 Dec 2016
  • 1189 reads
4 comments
 

 

A tiny baby sparrow,  you stole my heart.

Both of us, brand new, mother and child, you knew what to do,

I had no clue. Sipping sweetly, delicate, vulnerable.

Forgive me if your first years were unpredictable,

I made wrong choices, I was a lost soul.

At a tender age you wiped my tears.

I hate that I kept you there far too long,

I look at you now, and my mind eases, your feathers are changing,

you are strong.

Your resiliance astounds me, we make a team.

I watch you thrive, flourish.

You spread your tiny wings, you are safe now.

Wise beyond your short years,

I burst with pride for my first born egg.

 

Certificate U
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Deliberately Ev... on

This is so sweet and tender and so much emotion in just a few lines. "Sipping sweetly, delicate, vulnerable. Forgive me if your first years were unpredictable," - really struck my heart. I thought about those dear little newborns, so delicate. 

I wonder if line 6 might be a bit long. If I might suggest a change: "At a tender age, you wiped my tears" might be enough perhaps? It's just a suggestion though, poetry is very subjective so when people make suggestions to you, use what you want and discard what you don't. I learned a lot through others critique though. 

You write some very emotionally insightful pieces.

The beat of your heart is the mellifluent rhythm to my soul.

Submitted by Lavenderlooms on

I welcome critique, I love to hear from anyone with any other ideas or if my poems need more work.

Again I wrote this with the little plan I showed you but I did not think too much.

Thanks for your comments, I feel the need to keep trying.

Xx

 

Submitted by seashore on

Another beautiful piece from you Lavenderlooms - yes Accidentally existing has a point, though I didn't notice at first if I'm honest...

Submitted by Lavenderlooms on

thank you - I am going to edit it slightly.