Piddledon Farm 11

That evening, the girls on the farm decided to have a prayer meeting. They gathered in the lounge.
"I want us to pray for husbands," said Hazel.
"Husbands?" asked Maria.
"Marriage is a part of our society," said Hazel. "It is sadly rejected nowadays by many people. It is something God made good. We must eagerly desire husbands."
"We should go to Christian events," said Amanda, "we have to do something as well, it's pointless just sitting at home doing nothing and expecting God to do a miracle." Amanda began to pray. "Oh Lord, help us as we go to Spring Harvest next year to meet the right men, people we will get on with, people who will make friends with us, people we will be able to marry. We long to be married, Lord, long to feel a man's warm embrace, long to hear the patter of tiny feet. Marriage is something that you made for us, Lord. You did not want us to be alone. Amen." Amanda opened her eyes to see Kevin sitting on an armchair beaming at her. Keith was sitting next to him.
"I received a word of knowledge from the Lord," said Kevin. "Go to the lounge, for there are women in there who are praying for husbands. We are the answer to your prayers."
"Kevin is the answer to your prayers," said Keith. "Leave me out of this."
"Kevin," said Amanda, "I don't want to marry you."
"Why not? What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing. You're a very nice person, you just don't excite me."
"Well, you excite me, Amanda. You're one of the most exciting people I know."
"I'm half your age."
"Age doesn't matter when you know the Lord. Anyway, men don't go through the menopause. You can still have children."
"I don't want to marry you, Kevin."
"For someone who is so desperate for a partner, you seem to be awfully fussy about who you wed. There are ten women in this room. I'm sure one of them must find me exciting."
"Perhaps we should consider celibacy," said Rebecca.
"Either that or join one of those dating agencies on the internet," said Hazel.

 

On Sunday morning Steve went to buy a newspaper. It had not stopped raining. The rain was pouring down torrentially, as it had done all weekend. Steve hoped it was Holy Spirit, healing rain, of the kind they had prayed for in the tent, that it was somehow symbolic. By the time he arrived at the paper shop he was drenched. He went into the shop and saw the huge headline, 'Brainwashing Sex Cult' and a picture of Piddledon Farm. He bought the paper and went back to the farm again, pushing the paper into his jacket to prevent it from becoming soggy because the rain was so heavy. At the farm he took out the paper and showed it to Andy.
"Look at this, Andy," he said, "Brain Washing Sex Cult." Andy looked absolutely horrified. Andy took the paper from him and began to read it aloud.
"Tucked away on a farm in the middle of the English countryside, Piddledon farm is a dangerous cult. Pastor Paul welcomes all who are willing to give him their wages and their life savings. No one is allowed to leave. If you make a lifelong vow to stay on the farm you are expected to keep it. The children get up at 4 o' clock in the morning and go into an enclosure of electric lights and barbed wire where they milk the cows. One member of the cult said, 'If you want to brainwash people you have to keep them a long way from their family and friends, deprive them of television, control the music they listen to and the books they read, control what they do every hour of every day, deprive them of food and sleep because tired people don't argue, put prozac in the coffee and ritalin in the soup as this makes them easily controllable.'"
"That's terrible," said Amanda. "Fancy slagging us off in the newspaper like that."
"There's some facts in that report but they're taking those things entirely out of context," said Hazel. She took the newspaper herself and looked at a photograph of the women sitting on the settee with their eyes blacked out so that no one could recognise them. Under the picture was the quote in inverted commas, 'I love them all, they're my little sisters.' It was under the small subheading, 'No Woman is Safe.' She read aloud, "Men at Piddledon Farm ask the women for their mobile phone numbers, pretending that they want everybody's numbers so that members can keep in touch with eachother and pray for eachother. They also ask them for their birthdays, pretending that they need to know everybody's birthdays so the whole church can send them a big birthday card and a cake. They then telephone them a few days before their birthday and ask them out for a meal. Men work their way systematically through all the women in the church looking for someone they can get hitched with."

 

"Kevin!" screamed Andy, snatched the newspaper from Hazel's hands and ran into Kevin's bedroom. Kevin hadn't dressed yet and was still in his pyjamas. "I know immediately that it's you. That's what you were doing yesterday, when the rest of us were in the tent, isn't it? Slagging us off to the newspapers."
"Slagging you off? We were talking to a journalist, we weren't slagging you off." Andy showed Kevin the newspaper. "Oh no. Is that what he wrote? Brainwashing Sex Cult?" Andy had seen something about himself. He read it aloud.
"Self styled evangelist Andy Crowhall is known for his bad temper. He orders people around, don't stand there, don't sit over there, don't say things like that, don't come here at this time of day. He rules the cult with a rod of iron." Kevin looked as if he had spent his entire life savings on a new car and had just seen someone drive over it in a steam roller.
"The journalist bought us a few drinks. We were tipsy. We said a few silly things. We were just being funny. We never thought he would write this."
"Who's we?"
"Keith and me." Kevin's breathing became very noisy. His lungs wheezed and whistled as he tried to breathe in and out. "I need my inhaler. Oh no, where is it? I haven't used it for years." He rummaged around in the drawer for the inhaler and took a double dose. "I'll leave. Just give me my savings back and I'll go, I'll even write to the paper and make them apologise."
"You don't have to leave," said Andy. "I'll explain. I'll tell everybody the journalist got Kevin and Keith drunk and they said a few silly things, and he exaggerated everything they said. That's how the article was written. It wasn't deliberate. They'll understand."

 

Paul stood at the front of the tent in front of the microphone. The rain had not stopped. Everyone was looking rather wet. He had to stand quite close to the microphone to be heard above the sound of the rain pounding on the tent.
"I am so glad we are being persecuted," he said. "I am so glad they write articles like that about us in the newspaper. The church in the New Testament were persecuted because people were jealous. The church in England has never been persecuted. It has never done anything to make people jealous. This weekend, we have made someone jealous. We have actually been close enough to God to inspire envy. That is why there is a big newspaper headline saying, 'Brainwashing Sex Cult.' Turn in your Bibles to first Corinthians chapter 7." Paul waited while people tried to find the chapter in their Bibles. "When I was young people used to tell me I would never be a church minister because I was not married. Indeed, how wrong they were. We are a team. So I say to Andy, if anybody has a problem with their marriage, I will bring them to you, because you're very understanding with people like that. Andy says, Paul, if I have anybody who's an alcoholic I will bring them to you, because you used to work in a mental hospital and you're very understanding with people like that. The Bible says, 'An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife.' I knew many of my friends when they were single, and when they became married they were a lot more difficult to talk to. The husband would talk to me and answer a question on his wife's behalf. I could hardly ever speak to his wife. Then, after they had children it would be quite difficult to talk to them at all, because they would be pre-occupied with the need to look after their young children. Being celibate gives you more time for God and more time to spend with other people. You will have more friends of both sexes, you will love them all as much as eachother, and you will be able to serve God more. Put your hand up if you would like to take this step of celibacy for the first time today." Rebecca put her hand up. Amanda put her hand up. Then Hazel put her hand up. Finally, Kevin put his hand up.