Text Messages From Hell

Arnold was going to the toilet one day and just preparing to sit down when the mobile phone rang in his back pocket. He tried to negotiate pulling it out of his back pocket, pressing the little green answer button, unzipping his trousers, unfastening his belt and sitting down, all at the same time. Plop, the mobile phone went into the toilet. He fished it out and put it on the bathroom windowsill. In the morning Arnold returned. He picked up the mobile phone and tried to turn it on. He was very relieved that it still worked. The mobile phone had just needed a good dry out. It wasn't damaged. He put it in his back pocket where he usually kept it.

Arnold was sitting in the office behind his computer when the mobile phone began to play its little tune and vibrate for just a few seconds. He took it out and looked at the screen. Arnold had been sent a text message. He opened it and read it.
“Why can't you just worship mammon like everybody else does?” How strange. Arnold wondered who would send him a message like that. He replied to it.
“Who is this?” Arnold typed. A few minutes later he received another message from the same number.
“Satan.”

The next day the phone rang again with another text message. Arnold saw that it was from the same caller. He opened it to read,
“Don't you think that you live an extremely dull and boring life?” Half an hour later the office telephone rang. Arnold answered it.
“Hello. It's Frank.”
“Hello Frank. How are you?”
“I'm fine. What time's the church barbecue?”
“It's half past six tonight. Try and come a bit earlier if you can.”
“I'll come between five and six, then.”
“Yes, that would be fine. See you then. Goodbye Frank.” About half an hour later, the mobile phone rang again. Arnold had received another text message. “Don't go to the church barbecue. Go to a night club. You don't know what you're missing.”

Arnold took the battery out of the mobile phone and put it in the drawer. He didn't want any more text messages from this malicious demon that was trying to tempt him back into his old way of life. He went to the shops and saw a bargain bin that was full of new mobile phones for very little money. To Arnold they looked wonderful, much better than the old Nokia he had. He bought a new Motorola for £12.50. Back at home he met Sam.
“My mobile phone's broken,” said Sam. “It has no 0 key. It's no good, unless you can think of a telephone number that doesn't have any zeros in it.”
“Use the memory. Does that not have people's numbers in it?”
“It's no good if I want to add anymore.”
“I'm having problems with my mobile phone. I dropped it in the toilet, and now it's possessed by the devil.”
“Possessed by the devil?”
“I get these strange text messages telling me I should worship mammon and go to a nightclub because I don't know what I'm missing. I texted back and asked, 'Who is this?' I received a reply, 'Satan.' But the Lord provided me with this new Motorola for £12.50.”
“I've never heard such rubbish,” said Sam. “How can a mobile phone be possessed by demons? Give me your old mobile phone.” Arnold opened the drawer. Sam picked up the battery and put it back into the mobile phone. He turned it on. There was a voice message. Sam listened to it. It was a computerised voice saying, “Did you really think that you could get rid of me so easily, just by taking the battery out of the mobile phone? I'm back.”

That Friday night Sam was taking part in the church barbecue. They were serving hamburgers on the street outside a pub. The mobile phone buzzed and played it's little tune. Sam took it out of his pocket and read the text message.
“Go in that pub and get yourself a woman.” Sam walked up to a man who was just passing by and said,
“Come and have a free burger.” The man ignored him. Sam tried a man and a woman who were walking by.
“We're giving away free burgers,” he said.
“No thank you,” said the woman. Sam walked up to another man.
“Would you like a free burger?”
“Oh yes, that would be nice.” Sam led the man to the barbecue and someone gave him a burger. “Are you Christians?” the man asked.
“Yes. We're the Jesus Army. We're here to make friends with people, form a few bridges with the local community.”
“I believe in Jesus. I wasn't brought up that way but I bought an old Bible in a second hand book shop. I read it. I got about as far as the ten commandments. Then I went to the cathedral and attended a service.”
“Do you know Jesus in a personal way?” asked Sam.
“I suppose I do. He's always there, isn't he?”
“Do you ever pray?”
“I pray sometimes. When my mother was ill I went into the cathedral to pray. You don't need to pray in a cathedral. I sometimes feel close to God when I'm walking in the country.”
“You'll have to come along some time. What's your name?”
“Kelly,” said the man. Sam gave him a card which could be torn into two pieces.
“I put my name and address on one half of the card and give it to you,” said Sam. “You put your name and address on the other half of the card and give it to me.” Sam took out a pen. They both wrote down their details and the man took his half of the card and walked away. The mobile phone rang and Sam picked it up to read another strange text message.
“He won't ever come back and you won't ever see him again. I have his soul.”

Several weeks later Sam was sitting in the house practicing his guitar. The mobile phone rang. Sam took it out of his back pocket. He read the text message.
“Give me your soul and I will make you a world famous rock star.” Sam was puzzled. Was this somebody winding him up? If it was, the person who was doing the winding up seemed to know an awful lot. He knew that Kelly at the barbecue wasn't going to come back, and he hadn't come back. He knew that Sam was playing the guitar. Maybe if the prankster was sitting in the house, he'd have heard that. But how did he know that Sam wanted to be a world famous rock star? Sam wrote his own songs and played them on the guitar, longing one day to have a hit record and be on Top of the Pops. But he was sure that nobody new. He looked at the text message again. Maybe it was the devil.

Sam went into the office to speak to Arnold and Stanley.
“I'm in a terrible dilemma,” he said, holding the mobile phone in his hand. “The devil's just sent me a text message.”
“The devil's done what?” asked Stanley.
“My old mobile phone,” said Arnold. “I dropped it in the toilet. It picks up messages from Satan.”
“Are you sure?” asked Stanley.
“I believe in the supernatural,” said Arnold. “My mother was a spiritualist medium. After she died, the cursor kept moving around on my computer all by itself. I didn't think much of it. I didn't believe in God at the time, I just thought, oh, there you are Mum.” Sam looked terrified.
“I'm in a real dilemma about giving my soul to the devil. If I gave my soul to the devil, I wouldn't be able to write songs about Jesus or love songs about the women in the community house anymore. I'd have to write evil songs like 666 The Number of the Beast or Children of the Grave. Mind you, it would make millions of pounds for our Jesus Centre.”
“You can't give your soul to the devil just so we can build our Jesus Centre,” said Arnold.
“No, no, I can't, I mustn't. At first I just thought it was somebody winding me up, but now I think it must be real. The messages said that the man I had a really good conversation with at the church barbecue wouldn't come back, and he hasn't been back for weeks. And now, when I was playing the guitar, they told me that if I gave my soul to the devil I would be a world famous rock star. I've always had this secret ambition to be a world famous rock star, have a hit record, be on Top of the Pops.”
“Top of the Pops isn't around anymore,” said Arnold.
“Okay, MTV or whatever they have instead. But the thing is, I've never told anyone. And how did they know that that man wouldn't return after the church barbecue? And then there was this message with a computerised voice.”

“Like this one?” asked Stanley. Stanley was sitting in front of the computer in the office. He played a recording through the loudspeakers. The electronic voice said,
“Did you really think that you could get rid of me so easily, just by taking the battery out of the mobile phone? I'm back.”
“Yes, exactly like that one,” said Sam, now looking a lot less frightened. “How did they do that?”
“There's a program called Narrator,” said Stanley, “for blind people.” Sam stood behind him while Stanley opened a text file and turned Narrator on.
“Readable text. Did you really think that you could get rid of me so easily, just by taking the battery out of the mobile phone? I'm back.”
“It's got all the words written in there,” said Stanley.
“Just one thing,” said Arnold, “how would you get rid of the words readable text?”
“Record it on some other piece of software,” said Stanley. “Then it becomes easy to edit out the first five seconds. Just play it back and hold your mobile phone in front of the computer.”
“I wonder who did it?” asked Sam. At that moment Alex walked into the office. He was holding an old fashioned mobile phone that was about twice the size of a modern mobile phone.
“Alex, is that your usual mobile phone?” asked Arnold.
“No,” said Alex, “it's an old one my mother had years ago.”
“So if you texted someone with that,” said Arnold, “they wouldn't know it was you.”
“Did you do it, Alex?” asked Sam. “Did you send all those messages to the mobile phone and pretend to be Satan?”
“It was only a joke,” said Alex.
“If you did it, how did you know that Kelly at the church barbecue wouldn't come back?” asked Sam.
“There was an eighty per cent chance.”
“How did you know I've always wanted to be a world famous rock star?”
“You play heavy metal on that battered old acoustic. Actually, you're not too bad, but don't give up your day job.”
“But how did you know I wanted to become famous?”
“I saw your note book with all the songs written in it. Anybody who writes songs and plays the guitar thinks that they're brilliant and ought to have a hit record. I saw the one you wrote about my wife.” Sam went bright red. “No need to feel embarrassed, it was really beautiful.”