Look Behind You

So I said to the cat, ‘Bugger this, I can’t see a thing.’ And the cat said, ‘Look, do you want to meet this hedgehog or not? Because I’ve got a full itinerary tonight.’

We got to the end of the garden and there it was, the hedgehog: snout, prickles, the lot.
‘Someone to see you,’ said the cat.

The hedgehog sighed, and the prickles glittered in the dark breeze.

‘Hello,’ I said

There was a faint scratching noise, like small claws being drummed against earth.

‘On your knees,‘ hissed the cat. ‘Show a bit of respect. She’s not a bloody vole.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’ve never met…I’m not quite sure…’
‘I know why you’re here,’ said a rusty saw working an untuned harp. ‘Some fool - ‘ the snout turned towards the cat, ‘ - has told you the myth and you want to see if it’s true.’

In the darkness there were velvet sounds, like tiny feet gathering, miniscule noses snuffling, pinprick eyes peering.
‘I need your help,’ I said. ‘Please.’
Beside me, the cat’s whiskers gave an involuntary twitch, as if of horror.
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Sorry.’ I dug my fumbling, trembling fingers into my pocket and pulled out the packet of bacon rinds and mashed potato. ‘I’ve brought you a - an offering. I mean, I hope you will accept my humble…’
‘Get on with it,’ said the saw.

I told the hedgehog my story. I told her about the hopes dashed, the trust betrayed, the pride torn to tatters and left strewn in the dust. The moon splintered through the bare branches of the plum trees, and the damp, gently squirming earth sucked at my trouser covered knees.

‘And you want my help?’ Each tooth of the saw clawed every string of the harp.
‘Please,’ I whispered.
‘And what exactly do I get in return?’
‘Name your price,’ I breathed.
Beside me, the cat seemed to shrink. There was a snuffling, choking noise from the earth, like a thousand small mouths holding back a laugh.
The harp was a bass pizzicato. ‘Obviously, my price is your soul. I will own you from you this day forward. But I own many souls, some useful, some decorative - ‘ the snout flickered in the direction of the cat, ‘ - and some neither use nor ornament. I can do without another one of those.’
‘I have influence,’ I said.
The saw jagged ferociously against a string. ‘On what?’

A hedgehog is not likely to want a passport or a defence contract, a ticket to a garden party or a child’s drug indiscretion covered up. I was silent.

The cat extended its neck, sinuous and low, towards the snout. I heard nothing but a disturbance of the air, a sigh from deep in the ground.

The snout vibrated in the darkness. ‘Your companion -’ the cat retracted its neck in a sleek, satisfied movement - ‘has spoken for you. I will grant your wish.’
I glanced at the cat. ‘I thought - ‘
‘One wish’ snapped the hedgehog. ‘You’re hardly worth three.’
‘What do you want me to do?’ I said.
‘Amuse.’ The word rent the darkness. ‘Amuse me. What possible service can you render, locked up in your grey towers with your grey mind and your grey schemes? I’ll keep my part of the bargain. Your wish will come true. Your enemy will be forced aside, and leave the way clear for you. Then do what you would do, what you have dreamed of doing. I’ll simply enjoy the show. Until I get a better offer.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Do you think your predecessor didn’t kneel where you are kneeling, and ask what you are asking? Do you think the cat didn’t bring him here, with his bacon rinds and his mashed potato?’
The earth convulsed with laughter.
‘I didn’t know,’ I whispered. ‘I’m not sure…’
‘Do you want it or not?’ roared the hedgehog.

The cat led the way back to the house, tail up, rump swinging.
‘Do you know how long?’ I asked.
‘Before you get it or before you lose it?’ said the cat. ‘No idea either way. She does what she does. The Soviets got what, seventy odd years, Iain Duncan Smith pissed her off after a few months. Not nearly prickly enough. At least you don’t have any worries on that score, Gordon.’

As we reached the door of the house, I looked over my shoulder at the darkness creeping towards me.
‘You’ll get a crick in your neck,’ said the cat. ’Like they all do.’
And the earth rippled with laughter again.