Hot Swine Calls

Thank you for calling the national Swine Flu Emergency Pandemic Death, Doom, Gloom and Recovery Hot Line.

Before we proceed to give you the numerical options that you have available, we would just like to give you a few words from our hot line sponsors:

“When death hits your family, and grief prevents you from being able to cope, the people that you need to call are Funeral Express. We deal with all aspects of death with compassion regardless of the cause of death – specialists in contagious body disposal.”

Before proceeding we have to advise you that by calling this number your Human Rights are temporarily suspended. Any information that you give will be recorded and if any action is warranted for the protection of the population at large please know that your personal co-operation was for the good of the government.

Please also note that this hot line only deals with people located in England and Wales specifically excluding the tartan army. If calling from Scotland, please hang up and attempt to get through on the Scottish 24 Hour Medical Hot Line. Although the staff on our line have utterly no medical experience, they have been trained to follow the specific questionnaire screen relating to Swine Flu. While the Scottish line is manned by trained medical staff, they have no specific questions relating to swine flu to ask. Also be aware that this line is exempt from the Race Relations and Discrimination Legislation.

If at any time you miss the numerical keypad options, then press seven to hear these options again.

Please press one if you or any member of your family is showing any of the following symptoms:

• Fever
• Cough
• Runny or stuffy nose
• Sore throat
• Body aches
• Headache
• Chills
• Fatigue or tiredness
• Diarrhea and vomiting

Please press two if you have recently had any contact with or sight of a pig.

Please press three if you are unconscious and think that you may be in need of immediate emergency medical attention. Please however be aware that no ambulance will be dispatched until you are conscious and able to tell us where you are located.

Please Press four if you and your family are fine but you have recently come into contact with any person who has shown any of the following symptoms:

• Fever
• Cough
• Runny or stuffy nose
• Sore throat
• Body aches
• Headache
• Chills
• Fatigue or tiredness
• Diarrhea and vomiting

Please be aware that if you have or are about to press numerals one through to four an automated service will proceed. You will be asked by our computer to record your name, address and any people you have been in contact with in the last forty eight hours. Then a personal message which will be forwarded onto your recorded next of kin.

This hot line service can not be held responsible for any short electrical pulses that may be sent down the phone line which will cause your phone to self destruct with explosive effect. Any objects and people within one hundred meters of any such phones could be burned at temperatures of in excess of one hundred degrees centigrade. Normal human occupation and activities can safely re proceed within one hour of any pulse generation which may or may not happen.

Please press five if you have already died. This shall result in an emergency hearse being dispatched to your location, further the automated recording service will not be operated. We would like to thank you for choosing number five which will help the government meet its CO2 emissions targets by not using so much electrical power to record your messages. Your body will be disposed of in an emergency mass grave.

Please press six if you would like to speak to our sole human operator. There are currently one hundred and ninety five thousand six hundred calls ahead of you in the queue. The government would like to thank you for choosing this option should you press this number, by helping to create a job in this time of economic crisis. Our sole telephone operator is expected to retire in thirty years, but please rest assured that we expect your call to be handled by her trained replacement in three decades.

Finally please press number seven to hear these options again.

Thank you for calling and we shall now start to play some rather nice classical music in a continuous loop for your entertainment until you make your selection. Please also be aware that this phone line does not take requests for specific musical tracks.