A Mothers Leaving

It is hard to leave the family home that you’ve known and loved for so long , but its even harder when a son or daughter has to make that call for their mother to enter another new home for health reasons .

Many children have nowhere else to go except placing their Mother into a facility where people with dementia are cared for .

Finding a suitable home is always difficult and letting go a harder procedure .
Settling down as a new resident in these nursing homes is not easy for mothers especially when every one is a stranger including their own children .

For many dementia is an exit from the place they have known and it seems unfair .
Life can be cruel some would say.

This is the story of Kate and her Mum who had to go through the pains separation after dementia struck .

One beautiful sunny morning Kate dropped in to visit her Mum after dropping her kids at school .

Kate always loved a chat and a cup of tea with her Mum . They shared a lot of things together . After Kate’s husband was killed in the war she had grown very close to her Mother who tried hard to support her only child .
Mrs Lane always asked how Kate was she coping and if there was anything she needed . Being a single Mum Kate was kept busy rasing her three children . She always enjoyed that visit to her Mum who lived near the primary school .
One day Kate noticed a change in her Mothers attitude . It was hard to accept but the normally very tidy home was starting to look more like a rubbish tip .
Kate found milk and butter other food items in strange places like bookcases and clothes drawers .
Some times Mrs Lane would hide things like Kate’s cars keys and then pretend she didn’t know where they were . This was not at all like her normal behaviour and Kate’s had an awful time trying to find where her keys where .In the process Kate would come across other items like cask in tea pots and old photos with scribbles all over them . Sometimes Mum even forgot things like her own name , the day of the week and even the names of her grandchildren .

One morning Kate arrived to find her Mother digging up at the flowers from her garden and throwing them inside a garbage bag and the next day her Mum was out putting plastic flowers in their place .

Kate knew it was time to do something and contacted her doctor .

Kate stayed with her during the day until the doctor came .

Mrs Lane brushed aside the doctors diagnosis as innocently as a simple slip of the mind .

“Dementia ?”
She Said .
“I’ve never heard of it . Now Doctor you better go and see to some other people who are really sick and stop wasting my time. “

The doctor explained to Kate what she had to do and gave her some leaflets and information about dementia .

Each day it was getting worse .
Mrs Lane continued to forget things and soon outbursts of anger arose .

Kate was found it hard to look after her Mum as well as her three children and knew she needed to seek help .

One morning after dropping her kids art school Kate called to see her Mother .

She tried to sit her down for a heart to heart about life and mental illness but in the middle of the conversation her Mum rang the police and told them she had a stranger in her house .
When the police arrived Kate had to explain what was going on .
The police contacted a few organizations in the community who came on board with Kate and her Mum .

After that episode Kate decided to speak with the community health team and immediately she was assisted with an aged care package and funding to help Kate and her Mum .

This syndrome known as Dementia was a stranger to Kate and her Mum but they had to welcome it into their life . It was hard at first because the stranger became an enemy .

They were in shock and refused to believe that this had happened .
Next came acceptance and Mrs Lane and her daughter Kate tried to address living with this disease .
Often Kate stormed in tears and drove around the block a few times before returning .

Then after discovering one day her Mum wasn’t home she panicked . Later that day her Mum was found walking half naked around the village .

It was now time to consider placing her Mother inside a facility that cared for people like her Mother .

After making many exhaustive enquiries she found a suitable place for her Mum . It was a lock down unit section within a facility called Allswell Village .

Kate waited anxiously for a place to become available . Sadly due to need and demand you had to wait until someone died to get in .

One day the phone rang worth news a place was available for her Mum .

That night Kate helped her Mother pack a suitcase .
She spent that last night with her Mum and asked a friend to look after her three kids .

The morning came and so did Mrs Lanes life in her family home .Kate loaded things into her car and drove her Mum to Allswell .

Kate mind was like a sponge soaked with guilt and fear . She wondered what she was going to say when she got there , she didn’t really want to leave her Mum there and had to fight the thoughts of going back home with her .

When Kate and her Mum arrived ast Allswell some staff members where there to greet them .

Kate was now willing to listen to what others had to say and do for her Mum who suffered from Dementia . She tried to explain to her Mum why it had to be this way .

Her Mum was now in the later stages of Dementia and was having delusions and hallucinations .

The staff at Allswell told Kate not to worry and to leave her Mum with them .

They convinced her that she would be well looked after and she could visit anytime she wanted .
There were a list of specialists to assist Mrs Lane and the doctor made visits each day .

Kate knew that this was the only way left to deal with her Mums problem .

As she looked into her Mothers eyes wondering what to say , her Mother smiled and said .

“Go on darling you have to bring your kids to school . Well have some tea later .”

Kate smiled and said goodbye .

During the next few weeks Kate needed a little support and it came from her local doctor who passed on a dementia support group .

Then after a while as things got a little easier Kate would bring her children to visit their grandmother in the nursing home .

Those visits were often spent with Kate making up a little story for her Mum saying she would soon be coming home after they redecorated the house or waiting until the mans behaviour next door was better .

Dusk each evening was when the visits had to finish as Mrs Lane behaviour changed and she often got agitated .

It was something called sundowning and Mrs Lane was always disorientated and uncomfortable . Sometimes she would open the window and call out things like ,

Help I’m a prisoner . Help let me out !

Sometimes Mrs Lane would switch the lights on and off . Not knowing what to do Kate took the kids and left .

Doctors tried to explain to Kate what was happening .

The community health team also gave her information about mental health groups .

Kate was glad to have this network at her disposal .

Relieved to hear that there were ways of dealing with her Mums problem and the guilt she had in putting her Mum in a nursing home things gradually got much better .

Now each visit Mrs Lane seemed to be more withdrawn and unwilling to talk to Kate but with the knowledge of the illness Kate was able to let go now knowing it was the best thing for her .

The day news came about her Mums death Kate brought her Mums belonging home and even though she was she was shot to pieces she knew her Mum had finally gone home to rest .

The nursing staff were very helpful because they understood what it ws like for her and had dealt with these situations many time before .

The nursing home it easy for Kate now to move into a new stage in her own life .

They even offered her work in the nursing home if she ever needed a job .

On Mrs Lane grave flowers often are left on a message that reads

Thank God . At last I am at home .

The End

By Paul McCann