Antonio Solar: Origins of an empire
By Miguel De La Cruz
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Antonio Solar: Origins of an Empire
Chapter one
It all started at birth, obviously, or I wouldn't be here. Though it really started when my parents were killed by local militia just outside of ciudad juarez.
My mother was unlucky to have been born in spain, and due to the war... My point is: They were branded as traitors and spies.
I just hid as I witnessed their murder, shocked and scared... I saw.... As they burned my parents' bodies. I wandered the city all alone, doing whatever I could for money.
Odd jobs here and there, no one cared that a five year old wandered the streets homeless.... No one. I was among many, whose parents had either gone to war or starved...
I was taken in by a man who taught me to work as an electrician. I was beaten for every small mistake, but in time I learned.
As I earned my share, he took everything else. When he got drunk, plates and tools flew at my direction... Till I moved out at the age of eight, as I struck out on my own.
I worked and worked but could not make ends meet. No one wanted to hire a morro (kid), so I delved deeper in the streets. Till I met my life long friend, Arturo Bautista. He gave me a job as a hitman, it was... Hard, but easy to accomplish.
I became known as the Solar Killer, and my friend as El Toro Bautista. We did small jobs, and charged pretty cheaply. However, it changed till we were both kidnapped.
El Toro was tortured, for info on a previous job. I was dragged in front of Jaime Reyes. He was the leader of the northern cartels, and the most feared man in all of mexico.
"Oye mi'jo. De hoy por adelante, tu y tu compa trabajan pa mi. Si no te parece... Pues es simple... Te mato."
[T: "Listen, boy. From now on, you work for me. If you refuse.... It's simple... I kill you."]
Those were the words that changed my life, my destiny. I worked for him, along with Toro for a year. Till I found out Toro had been stealing Coke and selling them to another cartel at a cheaper price.
That night I made Toro leave town with me, escaping fellow killers. we set up shop in Aguas Calientes, close to the border. We crossed people over it so many times, that dealing with the gringos (White people) became second nature.
It was the calm before the storm, because once again Toro was being stupid. Along with the mojados (Wetbacks), he snuck cocaine and weed. I woke up to the sound of a gun being cocked that morning.
After the struggle I prevailed, it was then I had a choice. Disappear and leave Toro to die.... Or Indulge the idiot and run our own cartel. As you can see now at the age of twenty six, mexico and south africa is mine.
We'll get to that in chapter two. For now fuck off, I have a war to plan.
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Comments
It all started at birth,
It all started at birth, obviously, or I wouldn't be here. [The hook: It all started' uses a colloquial language and ends the sentence with a joking knowingness. Does the story need it? No. Cut that sentence out. 'Though it really started when my parents were killed by local militia just outside of ciudad juarez.' The 'it' is imprecise, what started? eg. My life started... My disillsionment with life started...
Militia may be capitalised. Check a dictionary. The region of Ciudad Jaurez certainly shoud have capitals letters and not lower case as in your story.
My mother was unlucky to have been born in spain, and due to the war... My point is: They were branded as traitors and spies.
Unlucky suggests an element of chance or choice. Use adverbs sparingly. Some writers despiese them and don't use them. I don't think you'll find many adverbs in Hemmingway's writing for example. Unlucky to be born in spain [Spain]. There is ambiguity here whether her lack of luck relates to being born (an existential question) or the region she is born into (Spain). You qualify this with a conjunction (and) relate it to a time which is also ambiguous (Spanish Civil War? First Word War? Second World War? Basque Seperatist War?)
What I'm trying to say is there is the kernel of a good story here, but you are crunchng through word gears far to quickly.
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