Nursery non-rhymes

Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
And she said, 'I would offer you some, but I don’t think you'll like it, it's a bit bland.'

The owl and the pussy cat went to sea,
In a beautiful pea-green boat.
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Which they gambled away in a late night poker session.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the Kings horses and all the King’s men,
Had to explain to Humpty that it was all his own fault for not carrying out a proper risk assessment.

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how, the run, see how they run.
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who cut of their tail's with a carving knife,
Have you ever seen such a thing in your life,
As this blatant contravention of the Animal Cruelty Prevention Act (1996)?

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie,
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said 'I’ve changed my mind – can I have the profiteroles instead?'

Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady upon a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
She would cause a considerable inconvenience at airport security.

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pieman 'Let me taste your ware'
Said the pieman to Simple Simon 'Show me first your penny'
Said Simple Simon to the pieman 'Blimey, that’s a bargain! How much for a skinny latte?'

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the dish wondered what on earth was his role in this context.

Seesaw Margery Daw
Johnny shall have a new master
He shall earn but a penny a day
Which I think you’ll find is less than minimum wage.

Pat a cake, Pat a cake, baker's man
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Pat it and prick it and mark it with a 'B',
And put it in the oven for 20-25 mins at 180C (Gas mark 4).

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jump over
Ten hurdles along 110 metres in less than 12.87 seconds and you’ll be a record holder.