Ceremony

Gran had only a month to live;
The little 'un had to be done;
So then I said, "Why not get wed
In a ceremonial three-in-one?"

The doctor promised a nil-by-mouth
So she'd die by the appointed day;
The vicar thought it funny, but it saved lots of money
Compared to the traditional way.

We scoured the town, looking all around,
For a hearse with let-down seats;
Mum had to bake just the one huge cake
To go with the funereal meats.

We only needed one big booze-up:
One white vanload from France;
One trip in suits to Mothercare and Boots
And one spotty DJ for the dance.

The godparents pushed the buggy into church;
I followed in stately style;
The groom and best man then carried Gran
And left her coffin in the aisle.

"Will you take this man as your hubby?
Will you take this gran to the crem?
Will you take this kid to do better than you did?"
"Amen" to all of them!

Hatching, matching, despatching;
One sermon covered the lot.
From the cradle to the grave and the joys that marriage gave
In a twenty-minute slot!

After the confetti and the photos
We clambered round the coffin in the hearse;
(Though, as bride and groom, we got a lot more room
When we made the journey empty in reverse.)

Half an hour at the crematorium
Then a bunfight at a posh hotel.
Wet the baby's head and anoint the nuptial bed
And grieve for poor old Gran a bit as well.