Authorisation required

‘Authorisation required’ the screen said. He tried to scan the next item, but it wouldn’t let him.

‘Bloody auto-tills’ thought Johnny. He never used them normally, but there was such a long queue at the manned tills he thought he’d risk it. Never again.

 

He looked around for a member of staff, but they were all busy standing around doing absolutely nothing.

 

“Excuse me,” he said, waving his arms to attract the attention of the nearest one. Eventually he noticed and walked over.

 

“What’s the problem?”

 

“The machine says I need authorisation for these,” he said, holding up the six-pack of teaspoons.

 

“How old are you?”

 

“I’m 15. Why?”

 

“You can’t buy those. You have to be 18.”

 

“They’re spoons. You don’t have to be 18 to buy spoons.”

 

“Yes you do. We’re not allowed to sell knives to children. They’re dangerous.”

 

“They’re not knives, they’re spoons.”

 

“It’s the same thing. They’re cutlery.”

 

“Spoons aren’t knives. That’s ridiculous. What harm could I do with a teaspoon?”

 

The manager was called. Johnny tried to complain, but the manager interrupted him.

 

“You were trying to buy spoons?”

 

“Yes. Just teaspoons. Not knives, not a gun, just spoons.”

 

“And you’re under the legal age.”

 

“There is no legal age. They’re spoons.”

 

“How old are you?”

 

“I’m 15. And I’ve been using spoons for at least 14 of those years.”

 

“Then you’re under age.”

 

“But they’re spoons.”

 

“Cutlery is cutlery, and can only be purchased by adults. I’m afraid if you persist in your attempts to purchase spoons I’m going to have to call the police?”

 

“The Police? What’s Sting got to do with this?”

 

Johnny’s joke was ignored along with his protests. He tried to leave, but found his exit blocked by Sainsbury’s security professionals.

 

The police arrived. They were shocked that a young boy of just 15 years of age was trying to purchase spoons.

 

“They’re only spoons,” he protested for what seemed the thousandth time.

 

“They’re cutlery,” the policeman informed him, “Which is the same category as knives, guns and military hardware. Besides, there’s six of them, what could you possibly need with six teaspoons.”

 

“But they only come in packets of six.”

 

In spite of his protestations, Johnny was arrested for attempting to purchase dangerous hardware underage. 

 

As he was led away he noticed a man at another autotill being informed he needed authorisation to buy a melon. ‘A man buying melons,’ Johnny thought, ‘Clearly this one’s going to be a case for the SAS’.