So The Story Goes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 54)

Continued from Episode 53 - 'Frankie!'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, have been on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  The mission culminated in a chaotic and disastrous funeral, with Frankie Knight handcuffed and in custody, and just about everybody else under suspicion, especially Samantha!

Archibald Thurble stood, hesitantly, in front of the office door and summoned up all his courage.  Never before had his usual task of delivering the Monday morning tea and biscuits seemed so perilous, a situation that was not helped by him being totally exhausted after a very trying weekend.  Archibald took a deep breath, and knocked.

“Come” Intoned a weary voice from beyond the door.

Archibald opened the door, carefully, and peered around before entering the office proper.  As far as he could see, there was no-one else in the room, other than his employer, Josiah Oakshott, hunched over his splendid antique desk.

“Is it alright to come in with your tea and biscuits, Mr. O.?”  Archibald asked, timidly.

“How soon we fall back into the old routine!” Josiah mused, “Yes, Archibald, please do come in”

Archibald placed the tray on the desk, before his employer, and looked around the empty office.

“No erm…no Ms. Knight today then?”

“No, Archibald” Josiah replied, wearily, “No, Ms. Knight today.  Nor, in point of fact, is there any Mrs. Knight today!”

“Mrs. Knight?”  Archibald looked perplexed.

“Yes, that would appear to be the case” Josiah looked up at Archibald, who noted the moistening eyes and the weary expression, “she had never divorced him”

“Who?”

“Our man in the coffin” Josiah took a sip of tea and leaned back in his chair, “one Frankie Knight apparently.  A thug and a bank robber by all accounts” He rubbed his eyes and yawned.  “I do apologise, Archibald.  I am not at my best this morning”

“Were you at the Police Station all weekend, like me?” Archibald dropped into the visitors’ chair, unbidden.

“I was, indeed” Josiah nodded, “I had no idea you had been similarly detained, Archibald.  I am so very sorry”

“Can’t be helped, Mr. O.” Archibald said with more enthusiasm than he actually felt, “they were always going to want some questions answered, after what cracked off on Friday”

“Indeed, Archibald, indeed” Josiah shook his head, “it seems like a lifetime ago, now”

“So how come Ms. Knight was married to this Frankie bloke then, and why didn’t she tell you?”

“I have only gleaned snippets from my conversations with the constabulary” Josiah shrugged, “I believe it was a youthful marriage, I would imagine she had no idea of his chosen profession, at that point, but that is only a guess.  Nevertheless, she remained married to him, which I suppose displays some degree of loyalty”

“But…she got engaged to you!”  Archibald protested.

“Yes, that is correct” Josiah agreed, miserably, “and clearly that should not have happened” He reached into a drawer and produced an antique ring box, “it is a matter that has now been resolved”

“Oh no!” Archibald gulped, “you mean…that’s it?”

“I’m afraid so” Josiah nodded, “I cannot see how it could be any other”

“Well, that’s a real shame!” Archibald looked close to tears himself.

“I concur, Archibald, but there really is no alternative”

“Hang on, isn’t that going to make things a bit…awkward, when she comes back to work?”

“Ah, no, that will not be a problem, certainly not in the short term” Josiah produced a notebook and consulted it, “you see, further to the events of last Friday, the police proceeded to mount searches of the properties associated with those events.  My property and, I would imagine, yours were searched…”

“I know.  I haven’t heard the last of it from me Nan!”  Archibald grumbled, “They found her cannabis stash!”

“Well, fortunately (other than your grandmother) neither of us had anything to hide” Josiah managed a weak smile, “however, this was not entirely the case at Mrs. Knight’s residence.  There they found…” He consulted the notebook, “a considerable quantity of used banknotes and bank bonds, in addition to a number of blank, forged passports, all contained within a steel box buried at the bottom of her garden”

“Strewth!” Archibald looked shocked.

“Strewth indeed!” Josiah nodded, “it would seem, on the face of it, that she was holding the proceeds of a robbery, or robberies, for later recovery by her estranged husband.  The assumption is that, this is why he was making his return to the U.K. via our coffin, to retrieve same”

“Ah!” Archibald looked shifty.

“Yes, I do rather wish you had been considerably more honest with me, Archibald” Josiah frowned, “had you told me that you had been coerced into putting the body back into the coffin, we might have avoided a great deal of this unpleasantness!”,

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, Mr. O.” Archibald looked distinctly embarrassed.

“Would you like to explain that to me, now?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, you see, it was when we were at Santander, Miss Lace wanted me to check the coffin, ‘cause she had got it into her head that the body might have gone walkabout, style of thing…”  Archibald began.

“Hardly surprising, given the course of events!” Josiah commented.

“Yeah, I know that now” Archibald admitted, miserably, “any road, I opened the coffin, while you and her were getting the tickets and stuff, and it was empty!  I nearly had a fit!  Then that Mrs. Hamble turned up out of nowhere and said she’d got a body on her back seat and, stone me, it was only our body!”

“And you didn’t find this odd?”

“Well, yeah, but she said she’d found it in the car park at that Services we stopped at, so I though it must have…fallen out” Archibald was fully aware of how ridiculous that sounded.

“Fallen out?”  Josiah looked at him, quizzically, “Bodies are not, in my experience, in the habit of ‘falling out’ of their coffins”

“No, I know” Archibald gulped, “but you remember how there was a problem with the lid fastening?  Any road, I was at my wits end, ‘cause I knew you’d do your fruit if you found the body was missing!”

“I’m quite sure I would have been perturbed, had I known” Josiah said, pointedly.

“So, you see, I didn’t ask too many questions on account of how I just wanted to get him back into his coffin, before you and Miss Lace came back”

“Had you asked further and more probing questions, Archibald, you might have discovered that Mr. Knight’s body had not, in fact, been found at the car park, but that he had, instead, secreted himself on the back seat of Mr. and Mrs. Hamble’s car.  A situation they discovered when he recovered consciousness, again, and took them hostage!”  Josiah steepled his fingers and looked somewhat smug.

“How did you know that?”

“The Police apprehended Mr. Hamble at a motorway service station.  Apparently, he had been sitting there, nursing a cup of coffee, for some hours, whilst waiting for his wife and Miss Lace to return from fuelling their car, en route from the airport car park.  He has since, according to the D.I. Wood, with whom I spoke, been ‘singing like a canary’”

“How did this Frankie Knight come to be ‘dead’ then, when I picked him up?”  Archibald looked perplexed.

“As we now know, he was not ‘dead’, merely stunned, because Mrs. Hamble hit him with a wheel brace, when he was helping her change a tyre”

“Seems a bit ungrateful” Archibald mused.

“Well, he was holding them hostage and they were in fear for their lives” Josiah said, reasonably.  “Had you confided in me, Archibald, as I would have expected of a long-standing and trusted employee, many of the subsequent issues could have been resolved before we ever left Spain, let alone be allowed to culminate during a high-profile funeral, at which most of the great and the good of the County were present!” He ended the sentence with a yelp.

“Yeah, I can see that now” Archibald nodded, miserably, “but I didn’t have no idea he was still alive”

“No, indeed, Archibald” Josiah pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “nor is there any reason why you should have done”

“So, where’s Miss Lace and Mrs. Hamble got to then?”

“No-one knows!” Josiah leafed through his notebook, “despite a nationwide search and warnings to all ports and airports, there has been no sign of them, or their car.  It rather looks as if they have escaped justice, on this occasion”

“Do you reckon Miss Lace knew about it, then?”

“The police certainly take that view” Josiah nodded, “and the circumstantial evidence would support it.  Mr. Knight was, apparently, being held in custody at the Police Station situated next to the Funeral Parlour in Castiliano de la Ribera, where we collected the body.  The intention being that Detectives Wood and Stone would collect him from there for return to the U.K.  If you recall, Miss Lace was trying to access the Police Station when she happened upon us and she then made a point of having a look at the ‘body’ of, what we thought was, Sir Lewisham.  She must have realised, at that point, who was really in the coffin, and why”

“If the cop…the policemen were going to take him back to the U.K. anyway, why did he go to all this palaver?”

“Because, if he was in custody, he could hardly hope to recover his ill-gotten gains and make good his escape, I would imagine” Josiah shrugged, “Frankly, I have little concern for Mr. Knight’s motives or for his subsequent fate.  Good riddance, is the phrase that comes to mind!”

“What about the real Sir Lewisham?”  Archibald looked puzzled.

“His remains were found in a hotel bed, one that had been, coincidentally, occupied by Mrs. Hamble, again in Castiliano de la Ribera. Regrettably, it was the frequency of such coincidences that led the police to believe that we were all part of one vast conspiracy, hence our detention over the weekend”

“So, have we got to go back and get him?”  Archibald looked panic-stricken.

“Sir Lewisham?  No, Archibald, that task has been placed in the hands of Cadwallader and Carruthers by Lady Lewisham” Josiah looked the picture of misery, “quite understandably, she has little or no confidence in our ability to carry out the task, given recent events”

“Oh! Right!  I suppose that’s a bit of a blow?”

“I’m not at all sure that the reputation of Oakshott and Underwood will ever recover” Josiah covered his face with his hands and sighed.

“Cheer up, Mr. O.” Archibald pleaded, “it’ll be a one-day wonder, you mark my words.  People forget!”

Josiah wordlessly pushed that day’s edition of the local newspaper toward him.  It had the banner headline “ARMED STIFF PUTS NOBS IN FEAR’

“Tomorrow’s chip paper!” Archibald said, contemptuously.

“I wish I could believe that to be the case” Josiah groaned.

“It will be, trust me.  Anyway, don’t they reckon there’s no such thing as bad publicity?”

“I’m not at all sure that they had incidences such as this, in mind, when they formulated that particular homily!” Josiah moodily pushed the newspaper to one side.

“I erm, I don’t suppose this is a good time to ask if I can have a couple of days’ holiday?” Archibald squirmed.

“Holiday?” Josiah looked astonished, “You’ve just spent the week in Sp…” He shook his head and removed his spectacles to wipe them, “Forgive me, Archibald, that was intemperate of me.  You were, of course, on duty throughout our recent sojourn and you are entirely justified in wishing to take some of your annual leave.  Do you intend to go away or just rest at home?”

“I was thinking about getting away for a couple of days.  Change of scenery, type of thing”

“Where did you have in mind?” Josiah asked, grateful for a change of subject.

“I was thinking about Bilston”

“Bilston?  Why ever would you wish to go there, oh…didn’t Miss Ryder and her sister move there?  I trust you are not hoping to rekindle your romance with either of them?  If so, I would have to counsel against any such action” Josiah looked concerned.

“Nah, it’s not that.” Archibald grinned and shook his head, “I just thought, seeing as how they both went there, it must have something going for it, so I’d take a look”

“I admire your optimism, Archibald” Josiah smiled, weakly, “Please, do take a couple of days off, with my blessing.  There is no need for these to be deducted from your annual leave.  Consider it ‘time off in lieu’ of all the additional hours spent in our employ, during our recent trip”

“Ta very much, Mr. O.!” Archibald grinned and made his way to the office door, mindful of getting out before he changed his mind, “I’ll see you on Thursday then?”

“If the Good Lord spares us, Archibald” Josiah agreed, mournfully, “if the Good Lord spares us!”

* * * *

 

The only sound was the water in the pool, lapping lazily against the tiles.  The sun was beating down with midday ferocity but, under the parasol, the heat was quite bearable and, with the occasional gentle breeze, rather pleasant.

“Are you enjoying that book?”  The woman in the string bikini, asked.

“Well, it wouldn’t have been my usual thing but…it has its moments” The woman in the sensible bathing suit, replied.

“There wasn’t much choice in the villa.  I don’t think the previous occupant was much of a one for reading”

“Do you know who it was?”

“Nope!”

“Do you care?”

“Nope!  Why worry?”  The string bikini shrugged, “It’s nice here though, isn’t it?”

“How long have we got it for, do you know?”  The sensible bathing suit looked worried.

“Up till our luck runs out, or just before, if we’ve got any sense” The string bikini grinned.

“Lawrence…Lawrence will be worried” The sensible bathing suit said, glumly.

“He’ll be fine!  He’s had more than enough adventure to last him a lifetime.  Whereas you and me…” The string bikini winked, “Fancy a massage?”

Amber felt her mouth go dry and her skin began to tingle.  She swallowed hard.

“If you think it might do some good” she said, with some difficulty.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a sin, if you don’t enjoy it!” Chantelle winked and slid across to her.

THE END