The Kiss.

The Kiss.

The spring and summer of the year I turned thirteen was to eventually change the course of my life. But on my birthday in late March the year stretched ahead…a wonderful chance to start making all those longed for hopes start to become reality.
I think in sounds and I see in colours; so that daffodil-bright day opened with amazing clarity. It was a yellow day, the bright blooms of Spring opening out with daffodils, narcissus, yellow crocus, celandines and even some creamy primroses. That was before they became illegal to pick, so my breakfast table was adorned in my favourite sunshine colours. I even ate runny yellow egg yolks on crisp brown toast spread with yellow butter straight from the farm.
Outside, the sky was cerulean blue, the grass Verde green and even the few fluffy clouds looked like daubs of paint on a pure Spring canvas. The radio played in the background, songs of the sixties merging, swirling, a rhapsody of sound energising my body and making me feel so alive. Spared chores for my birthday I sat at the table, wondering what I could cram into the whole day. Life on a farm is never-ending toil, the only respite arriving when the harvest is gathered in, not the time of year for having a day off. But it was just seven am and my day was waiting, a shining beacon in a year of endless drudgery. So it seemed that March day, though before the Summer was out I was welcoming the long, dark days of Winter.
My best friend Susie was on the phone before I finished my breakfast, the crispy bacon just swallowed, the rinds fed to the dogs.
‘Mam says to come over in a minute. I said you’d have a lie-in, but she said you wouldn’t lie in bed today.’
I laughed, who wastes a moment of their birthday in sleep? There’s plenty of time for that when the bones starts to wear down and arthritis attacks the body long before its time. My grandparents were already stooped from long years of bending, my Grancha from the pit, my Gran from cooking, cleaning, and bending to pick the clinkers off the railway track when there was nothing left to start a fire.
My other grandparents were long gone, the pit-dust clogging their lungs.
So, glad I was that day, with Ma and Da on their own land, my brothers already hard at work on the fields with the sun-up. My sister Beth at work in the dairy.
I kissed Mam and promised to be back in time for the evening milking. Then there would be high tea instead of supper and early to bed for the Sabbath.

I arrived at Susie’s house out of breath with running. Her house was on the main road, set back a bit by a small garden. Out the back there were twin swings for her and little Robbie. She’d outgrown them long ago, but in the valley you never gave up one small advantage to be traded in the future. Robbie was still young enough at seven to love his swings and the tiny slide. He’d learn soon enough when he got out of the infant school. Let him enjoy himself until then.
‘Carys, come up to the house,’ Susie yelled from the back door.
I was grinning, thinking about a proper birthday card and maybe a pair of stockings from her mother. Sure enough, as soon as I sat down and the air sort of rushed out of the plush sofa like a large fart, I was given several wrapped parcels to open. I squirmed a bit, making the sofa expel more air. Susie giggled, her mam ignored it and went to fetch some fizzy pop. My guesses were right, there was a suspender belt from her and stockings from Susie. A smaller parcel from Robbie contained some Smarties, I think he might have even gave up his own weekly pocket money for that.
I gave them all a big hug, it was good to get something that made me feel I was now a real teenager.
We went up to Susie’s bedroom for a while and tuned into radio Caroline. The music pounded out, the Beatles, The Stones, the Kinks. I was hoping that Donavon would come on singing “Mellow Yellow”, that would have set the seal on my day. To be honest though, I didn’t know much about teenage things. Susie’s parents were different from mine. Her Dad worked in an office and her mother sold cosmetics. We had played at dressing up, but that’s all it was, mere play. We drunk Dandelion and Burdock pop and ate plain crisps with a twist of salt in a blue bag. It was Saturday and we thought of going into the town centre and mooching around the shops. I had about five pounds in birthday money and a few shillings from the egg money, so it was possible to do a bit of shopping if I was very careful. Who wants to be careful on their birthday though?

We stood at the bus-stop, waiting for the No 9 into the town, when a car cruised by with some boys from the high school in the back and Evan Thomas driving the car. Evan was the typical rebel. If ever a part was written in a movie, that would have gone to him. He worked with his Da in the local garage, so driving a car wasn’t really that big a deal. He could even have been testing it out for a customer, that’s how things were back in those days. He acted cool though, his hair slicked back with an Elvis-style quiff.
Susie started giggling which set me off as well. Did we think we were cool as well? I think we did, with our second-hand jeans and our sloppy jumpers, hiding the fact that we didn’t have much up top. One of the boys gave us a wolf-whistle. It might have been Mike Otton, whose father owned the shop where we’d go to hang around, listening to real punters have the latest singles played in the sound booth. We never dared ask ourselves, but enough older kids came in to hear the record before parting with their money. It was easy enough to hear the records playing, though the sound was muted. Mike’s Da never bothered chasing us out. I reckon he was a bit of a pervert, especially in the summer when the girls flashed their legs in the mini-skirts, or showed a hint of breasts in the figure-hugging tops that were all the fashion then.
Our parents lectured us constantly about the “perves” and the “boys that took advantage.”
Did they not think we knew all about the fumbling in the back rows of the cinema or the bare-arsed couples who threw away their used condoms in the woods near to the kiddies’ park? I guess not, or they would have had a fit.
To me it was nature. You don’t live on a farm without seeing the balls hanging on a bull or the outsize penis on the stallion that serviced the mares.
It would come as a surprise to me later on when I learnt that men didn’t mount women as the animals did, or that it lasted longer than a few seconds.

That day though I wasn’t thinking much about anything, except that Evan could have stopped and given us a lift. We had our pennies out ready for the bus which eventually wheezed into the stop like an asthmatic pensioner. We climbed up the stairs to the top and sat with our feet up on the back of the seats in front of us. Susie had a crumpled pack of five woodbines which she’d nicked from her aunty Betty.
I clamped my mouth round the tipless fag as she struck the match and put it to the end of the fag. The first drag made me cough and my head spun a little before I passed it on to her. We passed it back and forth as the bus crawled up the hill on its way into town.
Clattering downstairs in our winter boots we passed Mrs Pritchard who lived just along the lane near the farm. I hoped she hadn’t smelt smoke on me, though I could say it was the being on the top floor of the bus.
It was the rules, see? Smokers and kids went upstairs on a bus. Courting couples sat in the back seat of the cinema and kids sat in the cheapest seats, often hanging over the balcony and throwing sweet wrappers at other kids. Me, I liked to make pipes out of sweet wrappers, I still do. You wrap one end round your finger and twist the rest of the paper as a stem.
So me and Susie weren’t too worried about adults telling on us.
I wanted to go in C & A’s to look at the blouses and skirts. I had my money and wanted to spend it before something silly came over me and it got wasted. Or I might buy a pair of Capri pants and look in the second-hand shops for a tee-shirt. Susie wanted to go into Woolworth’s though. Saturday’s being busy the shop-girls couldn’t keep their eyes on every counter and it was dead easy to pinch make-up, sweets, or jewellery. Those counters were always crowded with the women and girls paid their wages the night before. Fathers were buying sweets for the kids or cheap jewellery to say “sorry” to the wives who had waited up half the night for them to come home from the boozer . Sometimes change fell out of pockets and the older kids could pick up enough for the pictures or a packet of fags.
I didn’t want to go nicking things on my birthday, I wanted to spend my own money, but I gave in as I usually did. Although Susie was my best friend I knew that being a bore could lead to me being shut out, so went along with her.
Half an hour later we sat on a bench by the car park and looked at what we had gathered.
Mine wasn’t very exciting, I was always too scared to go for anything I really wanted.
‘One orange-coloured lipstick, a tiny bottle of eau de cologne, a packet of polo mints and three pence. What use is that?’ Susie was scornful.
‘It was too crowded,’ I offered in explanation.
‘Look at what I’ve got,’ she emptied out her shoulder bag revealing quite a treasure trove even by her standards.
I looked at the tortoiseshell hair comb and instantly I knew she had taken it for me. My hair was long and light brown with strands of gold in it.The comb would look gorgeous if I swept part of my hair back with it. There were two lipsticks. One was a shiny pink and the other a rich red. The pink would look good on me, the red would suit her dark looks. There was a block of cake mascara with a wand, the type my mother wore when she went out somewhere special. We sucked on the two packets of lovehearts she’d also lifted while counting out the money she’d managed to pilfer. The two shiny shillings laid on her upturned palm and I wondered whether they had been meant for a fish’n’chip supper or a pint of ale for a man just come off the morning shift at the colliery.
My heart jumped in my throat, but my tongue stayed silent.
‘Let’s go to C & A’s now,’ I said.

We took the elevator to the first floor, jumping the stairs in our usual fashion. The first part was old women clothes, but at the back were some of the very latest fashions for Spring and Summer, though it was still cold enough to wear our vests over our tiny budding breasts. The skirts were in plain colours, black, navy, brown and grey. There were a few coloured ones but they were way out of my price range. Looking at the black skirts I could imagine what they would look like with a colourful blouse or a tight ribbed jumper. The only problem was that I had no tits to put inside even my first training bra.
We wandered around the dress section looking at the swirling colours and the sleek, long lines of the best dresses. There were cheaper ones. These had high necks and ended just above the knees. I looked at the prices. Four pounds ten shillings, I could just about afford one.
‘Go one, try it on,’ Susie dared me.
I picked up two. One in a lively orange and blue print, the other in yellow with purple geometric designs. My hand strayed towards the plain black skirt but the assistant was hovering and rapped out sharply, ‘two garments only.’
It was my downfall. I looked at Susie and gave her the nod. That meant she would pick up a top and skirt to try on in a cubicle next to mine.
I stripped off and pushed my socks into my Bra. It was no use using tissues or old stockings as some girls did. It just looked and felt un-natural. I was pleased with the reflection in the small mirror. The dress fitted well, its long lines suiting my thin figure. My bust looked bigger and the high neckline looked good on my long neck.
‘Psst..Susie are you there?’
‘Yeah,’ she peeked around the curtain and looked me up and down. ‘That’s dead modern,’ she observed, ‘I like it.’
‘Pass me the skirt and blouse,’ I told her, knowing that they would be the better choice.
‘Give over, you don’t want these, they’re dead boring.’
I insisted though I knew full well what they would look like. The skirt hung off my bony hips and the blouse only emphasised my flat bosom. Money wise they might have been the better choice, but suddenly I rebelled, thinking of the smooth silkiness of the dress I’d just tried on.
I ended up buying the yellow and purple one…it was a yellow day after all.

We ate at a local café, two plates of chips with lashings of salt’n’vinegar and bread and butter.
‘What do you want to do now?’Susuie asked.
‘Dunno, too early to go home but late for the pictures.’ It was after 3.30 so we’d never make the film and the bus home.
‘Why don’t we hang around near Otton’s?’ she asked.
I couldn’t say why. It made a lot of sense, especially since the boys were around somewhere. My stomach went a bit fluttery, like it did when I heard some music or saw something good on TV. Like all the girls I had a crush on Evan, but he’d never notice me. My dress was in the bag beside me and suddenly I heard music in my ears. I could really see myself walking down a catwalk in my slinky dress.
‘Yeah, why not,’ I said. ‘But give me chance to change into my new dress.’
Susie didn’t mind. Her jeans were figure-hugging and she was far more of a “Mod” than me.
We ducked into the nearest Ladies toilet where I changed and then allowed Susie to put a bit of make-up on my face. ‘Did I look okay?’ I wasn’t sure, but I had to trust her.
‘You look fab, Carys,’ she said as she pulled some of my hair back and secured it with the comb she’d nicked.
She looked pretty good herself, her face looked older somehow and the way she wore her jumper was pretty sexy. We sauntered into the shopping centre and made a beeline for the record shop. We were in luck. It was crowded, even for a weekend, but Evan and his mates were crammed into one booth listening to the latest Donavon record. Sure enough it was “Mellow Yellow”. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven, especially when Evan winked at me. We hung around a while, hoping that something would happen and sure enough it finally did.
Mike’s dad came from behind the counter and said something to the boys. I wondered if he was telling them to move and let paying customers into the sound booth, but I was wrong.
Mike sort of sidled up to us and whispered something into my ear.
‘What?’ I was confused.
‘I asked if you wanted to come to the park with us. Dad said it’s your birthday, I thought you might enjoy the ride.’
Well what could I say? I was dead thrilled.
We followed Evan and Mike to where the car was parked. The other boys had vanished. A part of me wanted to stop and think. Was I ready for this? I couldn’t act like a baby though, not with my slinky dress and my new face.

The drive was fun. Me and Susie hung out of the windows and let the wind undo our carefully set hair. Evan drove fast, not like our staid old parents.
‘Hey, where are we going?’ Susie asked as we headed for the outskirts of town.
‘Just to Jubilee park ladies, I thought you might like some ice-cream.’ Evan laughed.
We laughed as well, it was fun to be with older boys and as we sipped from the bottle of cider that Evan passed around, our fears soon turned to more laughter.
In no time at all we arrived and Evan pulled into a parking space.
Jubilee Park was a meeting place for teenagers and adults. Although it had swings and kiddie things, after about five pm it started to fill up with the new groups…the teens and the would-be cool boys and girls.
Both of us were determined to act cool. So we walked ahead trying to wiggle our hips a little.
Did we have any idea what we were doing? I don’t think we thought beyond the moment.
It was my birthday and I thought that naturally I would get off with Evan, but it seemed like he had other ideas.
By now we were near the bandstand where Summer concerts were still held. Evan sat down and put his feet up on the bench. From a pocket in his leather jacket he drew out a slim bottle of clear liquid. Then he offered it to Mike who took a small sip and to Susie who did the same, until it passed to me. I had never tasted Vodka before, but one small sip was enough to put me off. I just knew that it spelt trouble and I didn’t want my day spoilt.
‘Susie, I think we should go now,’ I said.
‘What? We have ages to go yet,’ she replied, taking a seat next to Evan.
So, that’s the way the wind blows, I thought to myself.
‘Would you like to go and get an ice-cream?’ Mike said.
I looked at my friend and wished I was old enough to know what to do. I think Mike did as he hooked my arm in his and we walked off.
We ate our ice-creams on a park bench in full view of anyone else.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was your birthday,’ Mike said.
Well why should he? He was three years older than me. I wondered why he hung around with Evan who was older again, and had dropped out of school the minute he was sixteen.
We talked about a lot of things. He was good company and I found it easy to open up to him. I think he understood some of how I felt about life then, perched as I was on the edge of becoming a young adult.
Maybe that’s why he bothered with Evan, he didn’t say. Just,’ he’s a mate.’
That’s how things were back then when you didn’t know if you would make it through school or bum out and end up on the scrap heap. Not much going on in the Valleys and London beckoning with its false hope and bitter dreams turned to dust.
‘I like your dress, Carys, but don’t you feel a bit cold?’
I did. The evenings were still chilly and I only had a thin jacket.
‘Here,’ he put his jacket around my shoulders and then it happened. Our faces were so close and as I looked up he bent and kissed me very gently, but full on my lips.
I didn’t draw back, but neither did I move forward. The kiss had been gentle and my lips were still tingling. I thought about growing up and all that entailed. Though I knew I wasn’t ready for all that, I still wanted that tingling sensation again.
There are moments that occur in your life when something is just so right that you can’t do anything else. I remember the trepidation as I put my hands up to cup his face. I still don’t know who kissed who, but the sweetness and the wonder of that kiss will be with me until the day I die.

Summer would come and events would change many things. But that kiss and the feelings behind it would help me cope with the inevitable losses of growing up. I wish I could say that we became a couple. It would have been so right. But life isn’t fair and other things intrude on what should have been a perfect relationship. Since then I have kissed, snogged, swapped spit and tongues, panted with sexual desire…but never, ever, felt the same way again.

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