The little god

By rjnewlyn

Wed, 16 Dec 2009

3757 reads

15 comments

Was it an accident that I found it? I’d taken a short cut through that patch of woodland behind the playing fields, rushing home as usual to look after the children. I was worrying about my wife’s appointment with the specialist and that’s probably why I tripped and fell into the bushes.

It was sitting there on the other side – a small squat statue beside a stone bowl filled with crystal-clear water. I knew right away that this was something very ancient and powerful, but long forgotten. How, it had remained undiscovered, I’ll never know.

When my wife’s cancer was confirmed, I guess I went a little crazy. I started leaving things at the shrine: money, food, drink. Once I crept out of the house, over to the wood, and spend most of the night at the little god’s feet weeping pleading tears into the mud.

The day after she died, I went to the shrine in fury, planning to tear the whole place apart. But I found that some archaeologists had got there first and it was all cordoned off. The statue is now in the local museum – but don’t get any ideas; it’s just a lump of stone.

Comments

I really liked this. Just

Permalink Submitted by Foster on Wed, 2009-12-16 02:41

I really liked this. Just about perfect, I'd say. My only suggestion would be the first sentence - jars a bit (perhaps only to me), maybe the word "it" showing up twice. Something like "Did I find it by accident?" seems more straightforward, and it saves you the two words you went over (that is, if you're going for exactly 200). Also, in the third paragraph, you wrote "spend" and I think you meant "spent". This is a great piece of micro. Good luck finding a home for it.

Thanks so much Foster. Yes,

Permalink Submitted by rjnewlyn on Sun, 2009-12-20 00:14

Thanks so much Foster. Yes, I agree. It was written and posted too fast and I can see the errors now. Usually I take longer to think things over but sometimes I find that they lose momentum. But I'm very grateful for the encouragement. Rob

Great piece of flash,

Permalink Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on Wed, 2009-12-16 09:14

Great piece of flash, although I agree entirely with Foster about the first sentence. Tina

Thanks Tina. I agree as well

Permalink Submitted by rjnewlyn on Sun, 2009-12-20 00:06

Thanks Tina. I agree as well ...! Rob

The two comments above are

Permalink Submitted by WillSimpson on Wed, 2009-12-16 15:03

The two comments above are far to critical, its creative writing, its not supposed to be perfect.

Until we feel our thoughts our thinking remains unfelt

Thanks Will - I'm actually

Permalink Submitted by rjnewlyn on Sun, 2009-12-20 00:09

Thanks Will - I'm actually happy with the criticism in question. So long as there's something positive as well. It's so hard generally to get objective opinions and that's the great thing about ABC. Rob

Fair enough, WS - if I ever

Permalink Submitted by Foster on Wed, 2009-12-16 15:25

Fair enough, WS - if I ever post a review of your work, I'll not be critical. We all want different things from this site. I use this site to prepare pieces for submission to journals for publication, so I need a very critical eye, and that's usually the eye with which I read, as I believe creative writing can be perfect. But like I said, we're all different and that's one of the great things about ABC.

I think most people do want

Permalink Submitted by tcook on Wed, 2009-12-16 15:30

I think most people do want creative and constructive criticism and my thanks to those who provide it, like foster and SSS above. This is our twitter of the day today - join us there @tcookabctales

If this was me (and it

Permalink Submitted by markbrown on Wed, 2009-12-16 19:31

If this was me (and it isn't) I'd cut the first few paragraphs and start with the laying of stuff at the shrine, then go to the fury. To me, that's where the story starts. I think you can just say that the narrator found the statue, as it isn't really that important to the story how it was found. The reader will just accept that it was found without an explanation. This would leave you more space to explore the laying of offerings and the fury at the narrator's death. I think it might also benefit from some sensory description, to move it from a narrated story to something that is 'feel-able'. At least, that's what I'd do! Cheers, Mark

Thanks Mark. Fair comment.

Permalink Submitted by rjnewlyn on Sun, 2009-12-20 00:14

Thanks Mark. Fair comment. It's not what I intended but I can see what you mean. I quite wanted the idea of the random and accidental discovery but there's obviously the danger in such short pieces of trying to fit in too many components. But I really appreciate the time you've taken to feed back - very helpful. Rob

A corrected version, for

Permalink Submitted by rjnewlyn on Sun, 2009-12-20 00:25

A corrected version, for what it's worth. Still comes to 200 words I think (in my computer's counting system anyway): Did I find it by accident? I’d taken a short cut through that patch of woodland behind the playing fields, rushing home as usual to look after the children. I was worrying about my wife’s appointment with the specialist and that’s probably why I tripped and fell into the bushes. The god was sitting there on the other side – a small squat statue beside a stone bowl filled with crystal-clear water. I knew right away that this was something very ancient and powerful, but long forgotten. How it had remained undiscovered, I’ll never know. When my wife’s cancer was confirmed, I guess I went a little crazy. I started leaving things at the shrine: money, food, drink. Once I crept out of the house, over to the wood, and spend most of the night at the little god’s feet weeping pleading tears into the mud. The day after she died, I went to the shrine in fury, planning to tear the whole place apart. But I found that some archaeologists had got there first and it was all cordoned off. The statue is now in the local museum – but don’t get any ideas; it’s just a lump of old stone.

I prefer the version just

Permalink Submitted by Ewan on Wed, 2009-12-23 12:36

I prefer the version just above too.

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