THE MERLIN AND THE SPARROW

By skinner_jennifer

Mon, 09 Aug 2010
  • 7184 reads
22 comments
 

I watched the birds from my kitchen window, as I
normally do.
The birds were eating and bathing in the bird bath.
When whoosh! from out of the trees, flew a Merlin.
There was a sparrow bathing, splashing around,
when shock, horror the Merlin swooped down and
picked the poor sparrow up, and was gone.
It was over so quickly.

Certificate PG
Story
Stories
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by Hourhouse on
Well done Jenny! Thanks for rising to the challenge. I had a similar experience a few years ago when a sparrowhawk took a bird that had come down to feed. I love feeding the birds, but that's taking things a bit far!

 

Submitted by Hourhouse on
If I was writing this, based on my bird feeding experience, I would probably have called it 'Feeding the Birds', leaving the attack as a surprise, then finished with something like 'That's not how I like to feed the birds.' Re-reading it, there seems to be a bit of padding with words like whoosh, splashing and shock, horror. I think the technique is to write a story longer than 60 words, then tighten the prose to make every word count. I hate being critical, but hopefully this is constructive! Tony x

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi Hourhouse, Thankyou so much for replying to my story. I always appreciate constructive advice. I wanted to put in those words, to relay to the reader the way I felt. It was quite difficult with only 60 words to write. Don't worry about being critical to me, but I know how you feel. I cannot seem to criticize other peoples work, I am a novice at this writing business. Having only been with ABC Tales since beginning of June. Thanks again for reading. Jenny.

 

Submitted by darkoe2lh2k on
nice read jen well done

Darko

Submitted by Highhat on
very atmospheric ;)

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Highhat, Thankyou so much for your comment, it was much appreciated. Jenny.

 

Submitted by Highhat on
I stopped submitting a story parted in chapters because I didn't get any comments. I found the story boring then. Funny ? ;D

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Highhat, I totally agree with you, people don't seem to comment on long stories, as much as short ones, or poems, which are my favourite. Poems were more my thing, before I came on ABC Tales. Also with stories, I find it hard to be authentic. There has been so many different subjects written about, so I end up writing about myself, and I suppose it gets boring to others. Do you agree? Jenny.

 

Submitted by Highhat on
It doesn't have to get boring for others but it is good to learn to write fiction. The whole thing about writing about something fictitious is the way you get wrapped up in your story and the process is so winning. A lot of dialogue is also a good thing. I am more for poems also and symbolisme. I have had a tendency to write about myself. I love reading others stories and poems- some are really fantastic and advert writers !!I haven't written anything for a while due to my language barrier. It is getting harder and harder.Getting old and grey ;) It'll come and in time I am sure I will find something to write- maybe come autumn and winter when the sun isn't so absorbing ;D

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Highhat, Thankyou for replying back. I only got my computer in June. I have books of written stories, I wrote them for myself. I do get absorbed in writing, but when I came on ABC Tales it was like another world. I have always been frightened of computers, up until now. I would much prefer to have a pen and paper, then you can write in the garden. But then again I suppose with lap tops available, you can type in the garden aswell. I suppose it's because I come from a time, when computers were only used in the work place. But then you sound like you come from that era, the sixties and seventies. Sorry I am raving on, so thanks again for writing back anyway. Jenny.

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi Darkoe2ih2k, Thanks for your nice comment, glad you enjoyed it. I had fun thinking up a story with only 60 words. Jenny.

 

Submitted by darkoe2lh2k on
your a great writer jen well done

Darko

Submitted by Highhat on
Oh yes Jenny ,I am absolutely to pen and paper as well but the computer comes in very handy. My son is an expert that is why I started off early with a laptop. Yes it is great that you can take it almost anywhere and write but if I am serious I will write with pen and paper first and then type it "down". Yes I am from 60'ies and 70'ies- great time methinks- sooo mellow ;D xxpia

Submitted by Highhat on
and yes Jenny I do like the splash and woosh in your poem- I can't remember what the technical term is (figurative??) but it brought out the dramatic effect!! pia xx

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Thanks pia, Yes those wonderful times in the sixties and seventies, like you said so mellow. Jenny.

 

Submitted by Hourhouse on
I'm feeling like I was too hard on you Jenny, but my comments were sincere and trying to help. I did enjoy the story and I'm intrigued to hear you have a lot of written stories too. Really hope you can find time to revisit them and type some into your pc. I'm from the same era, heading for 60, but after 30 years in IT, my computer is like my right hand. However, I still type with two fingers, looking at the keyboard, although I do it quite quickly by now!

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi Hourhouse, Please your comments were really helpful. I think that calling it "feeding the birds" would have given it that air of not knowing what was coming. I am always grateful for any comments on my work. Please don't feel you were to hard. I am heading for 60 aswell, Like I said to Highhat (Pia,) I have only recently got this computer, believe it or not I have never used one before, but like Pia said my son is teaching me. He is an expert, where as I haven't got a clue what I am doing half the time, well except on ABC Tales, but even with that I am not sure where I should go. My first poem that got a cherry, was great. except at the time I did not even know what a cherry was. I was a bit dumb struck, but I feel a bit silly about it now. Anyway again please don't worry about anything you say. Jenny.

 

Submitted by darkenwolf on
it was written like you experienced it flash and it was done! well done; i like it :)

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi darkenwolf, thanks for your comment, glad you liked it. Jenny.

 

Submitted by darkenwolf on
NP keep up the good work

Submitted by well-wisher on
I liked this. It was a bit like Flash Fiction. A very short and yet very poignant story.

Oh look, a link. I wonder where it leads.

JoHn

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on
Hi well-wisher, It was a story that had to be written in know more than 60 words, so it was a challenge. I am glad you liked it, Thankyou. Jenny.