Y) Still Fighting With Mum

It was my Thirtieth birthday today, but of course there was no card
from you. Have you any idea what that feels like, not getting a card
from your mum on your Thirtieth birthday? I should be used to it by
now, but a little part of each day is often given to thinking about
what went wrong, thinking about you.

My children are growing up nicely. Do you know that? Do you know that
Jason is the north-west kick boxing freestyle champion this year? I
wonder if you approve, you never did like violence and doubt you would
be able to make the distinction between fighting and the art of
kickboxing. He's got a girlfriend you know? They are getting engaged at
Christmas. I think you'd like her once you got over the purple
hair.

Martin's funny, he's got such a quick-witted way about him, always
laughing and making jokes. He's got your eyes, and your intelligence.
He doesn't have Jason's confidence though, I think the youngest child
often feels a bit left out. He needs you too. You see it wasn't just me
you abandoned all those years ago.

I needed you Mum; I needed you so much. How could you not be there for
me? You should have been there. I want to tell you things, want to talk
to you, but I just don't know what to say. I don't know you. I never
did.

My wedding day was lovely, you should have seen how the sun shone just
for us. I had honeysuckle intertwined with the roses in my bouquet.
Honeysuckle is your favourite isn't it? I thought of you as I walked up
the aisle and the scent of my flowers gently floated up. I hated you
that day. You damn well should have been at my wedding. You should have
worn a big blue hat and shoes that were too new and rubbed your heel so
that you could moan all day that your feet were killing you. That's
what mother's do you see, at their daughter's wedding. You should have
disapproved of Jim a little bit, thought that he wasn't good enough for
your special daughter. He would have won you over. He never got the
chance.

We've got a dog, not a poodle like your little Pepe; Dixon is a German
shepherd, they were called Alsations then, but people don't call them
that much anymore. You would disapprove of all the dog hairs that get
on the furniture.

I was so scared when Jason was born, although Jim was wonderful I felt
alone. I wanted my mum. So many years you've been gone, so much to be
angry with you for.

But you know what hurts the most, what really pisses me off?

The fact that you left me when I was five years old. I was only a
little girl Mum. A little girl who needed her mummy. I couldn't tie my
own shoelaces and nobody ever plaited my hair like you used to. Auntie
Jill used to sing to me but she wasn't as good as you were.

I can't forgive you for what you did.

You had no right to die.