Letters From the Viscomte (Christmas Greetings)

Your Most Penny Pinching and Perverse
The Count Brian of Witekstein

Reindeers and pompodours I send you on this most frosty November nineteenth day of our Lord, Two-Thousand-Aught-Ten. May my words find you flush with "bytes" and besotted with "characters".

It is with great patience and restrained malevolence that I have finally been "re-enabled", as they say, with the ability to send you or anyone in our Duchy this missive. You see, my electronic messenger had been disabled by unknown and foreign viruses and have been unable to communicate anything dear cousin from our schloss for quite some time. Unitl just recently, I was completely and utterly unaware that this was the case. At least not until I had buried 8 maids-a-milking, 7 swans-a-swimming and 6 geese-a-laying. I must seriously consider an anger management soiree'.

You'll be pleased to hear that I ventured to the south of the realm to visit with Papa at his villa at Huntsvillentonburg. I traveled via my, now aged, Barouche replete with the usual entourage of valet, footmen, maids, personal silver and china, hat, shoe, clothing and toiletry carriages. I was however never more annoyed with the antics of the staring and slack-jawed rabble along the highway, obviously unaccustomed to our smart and rather minimal traveling assemblage. My handlers were approached on more than one occassion by a dreary constable of the law in hopes that we would either take a rural route, or simply pull our caravan into the right-hand lane. It was with much effort that I calmed the apparant indignation of my loyal household staff - ever unaccustomed to such insolence directed at their employer. I have however noted the name and rank of the constable and shall make arrangements for a good and proper public flogging.

Nevertheless, Papa was in rare form ! He has taken a rather well-fed and comely wench as his mistress now that he has divorced himself from "Mata-Hari". He has promised me repeatedly that he will never again take a bride and although they may indeed couple, they shall retain separate residences. It was a short but delightful visit with Papa and although I am sure he hates to see me go, I must have a word with the gate attendant as, inevitably, he always smashes the rear of my carriage as I depart. Intolerable !

I am experiencing a lull in my business ventures given the time of year but await the sale of a cottage in the village. It is a delightful little hovel dear cousin, and ther must be scores of Oafs and Olga's straining at the bit for which such accomodations would be suitable. Typical upgraded inclusions are:

- mud-packed wells
- frrreshly thatched roofing
- chicken pecked flooring
- piss-pot plumbing
AND
-mice-free siding

Of course I shall tax them to their teeth but they will be blissfully content. Spank me !

Pray your palette is no longer cleft and your children still recognize you I bid you a fond adieu.

-Viscomte Lary von Stael
Landgrave of This & That